Memories keep sneaking in....I still miss him!

[Treese]

Naej....thank you.....every time I tell this story to my good friend she just can't believe it.....H and I spent 30 years together....we did everything together....I loved him so much...still do....put him on that pedistal....basically catered to him....just because that was the type of person I was....not because I had to but because my family was top priority....this past year has been so devastating to me and my children....I do sometimes feel as though I live in a black hole....I cry....ALOT! although it is getting better.....I guess what I do most and shouldn't is try to understand it....I gave him everything he needed...why would he do this...not only go have the affair but have a child.....and NOT tell me....then go into his own hole and let someone else tell me of the child....he wasn't even man enough to tell me himself....

my D16 says that her dad had it all and he couldn't handle it so he had to go find someone equally as low as he is...that he didn't deserve me, that I was gaining something...cause I realized who was true in my life and he lost everything....now that came from a 16 year old....who H says doesn't understand relationships...that he would talk to her about them when she is older....sorry but she understands more than he ever will.....

She is very smart....and my D21 says she has nothing to say to him....we were such a loving, happy family....jokes, and laughing all the time....I just don't understand.....I wish I could get some real answers but most of the time we don't...

Unfortunately....it will take a long time for me to trust what anyone has to say to me....and I hate that...I have so much love to give and I want to give it....I think my kids are sick of me loving on them and kissing them...LOL!!!

I did tell my D16 that dad may seem happy but he is definately paying the price.....his children are not speaking to him and that in itself is trying....he loved his kids so much and he and my D16 were the closest....she is taking it the hardest....she said she feels like he stole 8 years of her life....but he's the one who had to put up that front and live with it and now it's even worse....in my heart I know he is not happy....even though he comes over with the smiles and acts like all is well....

He just can't be....he lives in his sister's basement....or stays at OW's house...has nothing of his own..except his car...sleeps in their beds...OW's and her X's....

However....he does still take care of us financially....gives me his whole check...it's direct deposited....the only thing now though is that he gets a bonus check every month and I will not know how much that truly is....he could lie to me, which he probably will.....it will hurt me in the end...I just know it...

sorry for the long post....I got off on the subject...