Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[istherehope]

Hi BH,

Thanks for your response. I was staying in our house for 3 nights while H was out of town on a biz trip (great for me to spend time with the pets!). So this morning, as he's coming home today, I left a note, very generic with bullet points about what time I fed the pets etc. (don't worry-no ILY, or miss you or anything scary like that!), and then signed off with "see you at counseling tomorrow morning unless you decide you would rather just stick with our phone sessions instead of getting all of these counselors in the mix--anyway completely up to you--your call." Now I wonder if I should have done that, but once he did say that maybe it would be better not to go between different counselors. This way it is his call still, and he can ignore my note completely, or ask me my opinion later, maybe will wonder why I would want to cancel counseling when he knows how much saving the marriage means to me...might not be such a bad thing.

OK so I can't stress about that note anymore...

What I do stress about now:

*What it will be like when I get back from Poland in October--it can't go back to normal immediately, but I don't think I can stomach the thought of another 3 months apart
*Whether we are going on the birthday trip in September
*The advice that H is getting from his mom and coworkers--he really, really listens to his mom
*What I will do here in Ireland if things don't work out, what is my escape plan
*How long do I wait around?
*Will H go to Boulder with me?
*When can I be more productive at work again?


So of these things, I guess the ones in my control are: being more productive at work (though I don't feel mentally capable right now), how long do I choose to wait around--no cut and dry answer, but still this is my choice, escape plan--somewhat in my control if things don't work out there will be massive financial concerns.

If only I could see a little bit of progress somewhere, I feel like I might lighten up a bit!

One thing I didn't mention though, and not sure if it's worth anything or just me being obsessive is that H had his call with a DB coach last night. Immediately afterwards he got on im and started chatting with me, wondering how soon he could get another session. He asked me to call him if the im disconnected, so I called him. He made a little bit of small talk about what were the dogs were doing etc., then said he was going to bed. IM came back on, and in this he called me by my pet name and said bye. OK, me being obsessive, but at least the session with the DB coach seems to have done something for his mood...

ITH