Ken's situation - Live-in WAW

[Distressed67]

Ken,

You worried about moving out and thet worked out well. Now your worried about moving back in. Your worried about what she is saying and what it means. Stop worring, reread what you have posted the last couple of days. Look at all the good things that you and her have done together. Listen to what your W is saying. She loves you, she misses you, she wants you to come back. Relax go with the flow and stop worring so much. You need to have confidence in yourself. You deserve her and she wants you.

Now stop worring about all this or I'm going to slap you upside the head with a 2x4.

Just go to bed each night and remind yourself that you must always keep making yourself a better person and never take your W for granted. Also don't shelve those R books. I would suggest reading them once a year so you do not end up back here. But I know you won't end up here again.

[steady]

OK. So now I'm back in the house. (Goal met)

We had MC on Monday night and that went good. The C asked my wife if she wanted to still be married and she said yes. The C got my W to talk about some of her anger and resentment over things that happened in our past. She explained that our lack of communication and my not being there for my wife compounded over time and created a big rift between us.

She also talked to us about how the bipolar was a big factor in what happened to us. And she asked my wife if she felt I was really the kind of person that would purposely neglect his wife and she said no.

The C also reassured my wife that my getting upset with her talking about how neglected and alone she felt was a real positive sign. She explained that some men just sit there with a "tough crap" attitude and that I was genuinely remorseful and empathetic for what she went through.

She also explained to me later that my wife getting upset was a good thing. She said that if she was sitting there with no emotion it would mean she was completely emotional unattached to the situation.

We talked about alot of different things. I also said that if I could go back in time I would change 90 percent of what happened between us. I explained I can't go back and all I can do is work on myself now and in the future - to become a better husband and a better father.

My wife said she wanted me back home but she also wanted to make sure I was balanced on my meds. The C assured her that it seemed like I was well balanced and no where near the position I was in 2 weeks ago. She gave my wife plenty of opportunities to not have me come back into the house right now, but the end result was she said she wanted me back home.

Somewhere in the session my wife went into a litany of compliments about me and kind of caught me off guard. She told the C that I was the kind of guy that could see the small nuances in life and she was very attracted to that. She said, "He goes into a room and everyone loves him. Women love him. He can talk to anyone about anything." She also said I was extremely attractive. It was nice to hear those compliments.

My wife talked about how her IC told her we could phase me back into the house instead of jumping right in. I said, I was thinking that I could come back home one night the week, then I was leaving for my family reunion in Florida, and then when I got back home from that I would spend 2 nights at home before my W leaves for her brothers lakehouse. My W and the MC said that would be good.

In the car ride home my W told me to just bring all my stuff home on Tuesday and move back in. So that's what I did. I spent last night at my house and spent the day today with my W and kids.

It all went well. No negatives. I was a bit anxious about returning home for a few reasons. I was worried that I would come back home and then I would get anxious and my wife would pick that up and it would cause pressure and stress. I was also worried that I wouldn't meet the standard that was floating out there.

So I spent the day Tuesday at work with some anxiety. I called our MC and she said that's normal and if I wasn't a bit nervous she would think there was something wrong. She said my W and I are both anxious about the same thing. My W is worried about stressing me (and causing a bipolar cycle) and I'm worried about stressing her.

So I packed up my things after work and my SIL talked to me about my anxiousness. She said, "You're a catch. You're a good man. You know what to do and you have been doing really well. Everytime you've gone over there to visit it's always been positive and you've been relaxed. So just go over there like it's just an overnight visit and you'll be fine."

On my way out I saw my brother and talked to him a bit. And he said, "You're a good man. That's your house and your family. You have every right to be there. Just be yourself and you'll be fine. Remember, it wasn't all you that caused the problems."

They both really helped me alot. They've always been there for me and I'm very thankful I have them.

So when I pulled up to the house I was in full PMA mode and had no nervousness. It was surprising. I felt a bit strange around my wife but I played with the kids when I got there and my wife was reading the paper. I put my daughter to bed and my W put my son to bed. We were both downstairs and my W asked if I wanted to watch a couple of shows we had on the Tivo so I said yes. So we hung out on the couch and watched Psych. I was getting so tired that I needed to go to sleep. I got up and kissed my wife goodnight and went up to sleep.

Today was good also. I got up with the kids so my wife could sleep in. She's been taking care of the kids by herself for the two weeks I was out of the house and figured she could use some rest. I played with the kids in the morning and fed them. I did the morning stuff like emptying the dishwasher - things I used to not take the initiative to do.

My wife got up around 9 and we got the kids dressed and went over to her work so she could get some things done to get ready for the school year. I played with the kids in her room while she did her work - also something I wouldn't have enjoyed in the past. But I had a great time playing with my kids. And it was helpful to her so she could get stuff done.

We then went out to lunch and ran a few errands. When we got back I played with the kids outside while she made dinner. This is big because I used to be busy with other stuff and she would have to help watch the kids and cook dinner at the same time. So this is one area where I've made alot of changes. I realized I had to help her alot more with the kids than I did in the past. So I'm doing it and enjoying it.

One thing I can say about the meds is that they help me stay focused on the activity that I'm doing. I spent my whole life doing stuff and in my mind I was always thinking that I needed to be doing something else. This made it really hard to really connect with my kids while playing with them - I would always be distracted by something else running through my mind. But today I was playing with my kids and I was right ther in the moment with them. It's been like that every time I've gone over to see them since I've been out of the house. It's nice. Very positive for me.

No pressure on my wife. No R or M talks. (I brought up at MC that I wanted to save the R talks for MC and that I didn't think my W and I could actually navigate R talks in a positive way at this point. Both my W and MC agreed)

I actually felt very confident and relaxed so that was a big positive for me because I was worried I would be anxious and that would be pressure on my wife.

So it was all good.

After the kids went to bed I was packing my suitcase and my wife came into the bedroom and said, "What movie do you want to watch while you're packing?" I thought this was nice because she was asking me to help pick the movie and not just putting on a movie she wanted to watch. So we watched Reality Bites while I packed.

After I finished packing I layed down in the bed next to her and watched the movie. As it got around 11 I said, "Are you going to finish this movie because I have to go." She said, "No. It's late and I need some sleep too.

So she got up too and gave me a kiss and a really long hug. She said ILY and have a good trip. I left and came over to my brothers house - because we have to leave at 5 am and I thought it would be better that I'm here rather than waking her up that early in the morning.

So I'd say everything looks good at this point. I have four days in Daytona Beach with my family and this gives my W some days for herself. (Well at least as much time as she can have with the two kids)

I feel good. I feel positive. No anxiety. No feelings of any internal pressure for the R to be any place other than where it is right now. And that's a big one for me.

I'm focusing on just being myself, staying positive, not projecting negatively, being confident, and being the best I can be.

I know it's a long post but I had a bit of ground to cover. I'll try to update from Florida but I'm not sure if I have any internet down there at the hotel.

Like MfT told me earlier in this thread - slow and steady.

Ken

[ernest88]

Damn right..

awesome Ken, just frinkin awesome..Lots of positives.

Nothing from me on the above. Good on the MC..you've made liots of changes, you should be proud. Looks like your W is working a little also. Big positive.

I'm proud of you man..big strides in a short time.

[Distressed67]

Ditto what Mike said. You are well on your way.

Relax and have a great time in Daytona. Remember to call your W and kids atleast once a day if not more. Its a great feeling when your eyes are opened and you can see the bigger picture of how your life should have been all along and now is getting there. Bask in it but remember you can never allow yourself to take it for granted.

Tim

[ernest88]

Remember to call your W and kids atleast once a day if not more

I agree with Tim here..make sure you call your W and your kids..in that order. But I would call no more than twice a day and try to figure out when a good time to call would be.

[The Wifey]

Ken,

You are amazing. Honestly in just such a short time you've shown her the man she loves. Keep the GAL and the PMA. Keep focusing on the true giving, even when you eventually move back.

KJ

[KenF]

Ken
So happy for you, great job. with all the hard work you've done, this is fantastic. the schedule even works great for you, a day there, some time apart, then together and apart.

Keep up the good work, stay focused, love those kids.

and dont worry if things get a little rough again, just re-apply what you've done here. dont fret over it.

As one of the Kens i'm really proud of you, and a bit jealous.