Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[Dawn of Hope]

T,
Thanks for stopping in and posting on my thread! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one that has trouble making herself stop typing!

You are right; except for the kids aspect, our sitches are similar, right down to the college-age OW with issues, born around the time we started dating our H's. I think you are a little further down the road than I am, though.

I haven't written my H any letters since this mess started, whether given to him or not. I did, however, do an ENORMOUS amount of journaling, especially in the beginning. I was writing at least five pages a day, longhand. In the R conversation I had with my H tonight, every time I slipped up and said something about my thoughts or feelings, even though I was pretty calm the whole time, it came back to bite me on the butt.

H doesn't understand why I won't talk to him about anything but trivia...I explained that probably he doesn't talk to me for the same reason I don't talk to him: he doesn't trust me with his thoughts and feelings. He says talking to me is like playing a chess game (despite the fact that I just about perjure myself to avoid placing blame on him--not because I don't blame him, but because I don't think it would get me anywhere good to say so). I really wanted to tell him that I feel certain that anything I say to him can and will be used against me...but I bit my tongue.

Anyway, enough about me...I'm so sorry about what your kids are having to go through. That's about the only thing I'm glad of in my sitch--no kids to be put through the wringer through no fault of their own. My father died suddenly when I was seven and my brother was two, and my mother raised us alone. I have scars from the experience, because my mother has some issues, but she tried very hard not to let them affect us, and my brother and I turned out okay. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if my father had lived. I might have actually wanted kids if I hadn't been concerned about being the third generation in a row in my family to raise kids as a single parent. I'd probably still have scars, just a different set. Raising kids alone can be done, although it's really hard. I do hear, though, that it's hard even with both parents fully involved. I don't know if it's worse to have a parent who is touch-and-go, or have one completely missing. Neither sitch is ideal, but I suspect that it's always the ones left behind, who didn't have a choice, who suffer most...at least for a while.

Okay, I apologize, I've done a really poor job of making this about you rather than about me. Need to work on that. Very sorry! All I can do right now is to wish you strength and courage, and tell you that prayer helps.

It's 5 a.m. here and I really need to toddle off to bed now. I am adding you to my watched threads, and I hope you will come visit mine again soon. Take care of yourself, and know that you are strong enough to be the rock your children need while you wait for this, too, to pass.

Peace,
Dawn