H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

Excuse me while I scream and beat my head against the wall:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

BLOODY )&&^%^%$#^%$#^*&)(*&)(*&)*&!#!@#$^%#@$%&^ !!!

All right, that's a little better now.

H initiated a R talk tonight for the first time in a couple of months (I never initiate, although my DB coach suggested in my last session that it might be time, but I've been swamped with work ever since). I had some warning, so I was able to do a quick run-through of my notes from my sessions with my DB coach, say a little prayer, and take a couple of deep breaths. We had a nice calm little discussion that went in circles so much I got dizzy.

H said he wasn't going to ask me any questions, and then kept doing it and then catching himself. He talked once again about how unhappy he was and some about my failures in our relationship, and defended himself even when I wasn't saying anything (verbally or nonverbally). Major goalpost-moving and history revision occurred. Claimed to want to talk with me but didn't like anything I had to say, even though I bent myself into a pretzel trying to avoid blaming him. Told me he hasn't made much progress in the decision he's been struggling with for 9 months (whether to try to work things out with me or give up on our M), but at the moment he is firmly of the belief that it won't work out. Claims one of the reasons he is still here is his fear that if he leaves, I will kill myself, although that seems less likely now. Told him he is absolved of responsibility for my mental health (DB coach's suggestion). H's response was "What makes you think you can absolve me of that?" Said I seemed to be mostly pretty happy now, and the depression seemed not to be an issue any more as I am on meds that are working (which is true). I told him I now figured I would have to be on meds for the rest of my life, and he grunted, "Glad you finally figured that out."

H talked about how OW is not issue (GAG ME! PLEASE!!), because we were having similar conversations a year ago before she came on scene, and nothing changed then so he doesn't figure that taking her out of picture will change anything now; our communication is still going to be terrible. And even if it did, what kind of marriage can you have when it takes going to the absolute brink before you do things you should have been doing all along anyway? Claimed he ended up with OW because he was as lonely as he had ever been in his life, wasn't looking for someone, blah blah blah, said I hadn't been meeting his needs. H continues to be unable, despite my having asked him *repeatedly* before OW/bomb, and during R talks since, to explain to me *specifically* what he wants/wanted me to be doing differently to meet his needs. Okay, I know, cheeseless tunnel. But I'm not sure what else to do!

I did my best to DB, and I only slipped up a bit, mostly in talking a little about what was going on with me (which he said he wanted to know anyway, but it didn't make him happy, of course). The response I got to everything I said was in the "yes, but" category, except for questions, which were almost universally answered with "I don't know" or some other slippery statement. What does he want from me? What does he think he needs to make him happy? Are his sessions with his IC helping him work through things? Based on his answers to those questions, he doesn't know much.

I really wished I had gotten better in debate so that I would have some more effective way to deal with his illogic. For example, when H was complaining about me not contributing to paying off the household debt:
Me: Last fall, when we were having a similar conversation, I asked how much extra I would need to be putting toward the household in order for you to feel financially more comfortable. You said $1000/month. Well, I haven't actually added it up, but I'm pretty sure that the amount I'm covering for household expenses out of my own account--and have been since around the time of that discussion--is more than that.
H: [disdainfully] What are you spending on for the household that comes to that much? Groceries?
Me: All the groceries, all of the cats' expenses, all the toiletries and such, all of my medical expenses except dental, which are significant--I had $4000.00 worth of tests this spring, and I paid for everything insurance doesn't cover....[I didn't tell him that some of those tests were for STDs, since I can't trust him to have been telling me the truth that his first A was an EA only.]
H: And how much of that wasn't covered? $1000.00?
Me: No, less than that. [Refraining from pointing out that that was on top of all of the "regular" expenses I covered.}
H: Well, your spending on the household comes out of your account, which I have no access to.
Me: [Refraining from pointing out that he DOES have access if he wants it--he is on the account and even has a card for it.] Do you know why that is?
H: No.
Me: [Calmly] I'm not interested in working to fund your affair.
H: [Sneering slightly] Well, all of my pay goes into our joint account, and you're free to spend out of that whenever you want.
Me: And do I spend out of that account?
H: I don't know.
Me: [Refraining from pointing out that I haven't spent anything out of the joint account in nine months, except by prior specific instruction by H, unless I replaced it right away out of my personal account.] Well, I am contributing at least $1000 per month to the household. That's what you asked for.
H: Well, I make about $4000 per month, and most of it goes to household expenses.
Me: [Biting tongue to avoid pointing out the $500.00 or so that goes to fund H's adventures with OW, or saying "I didn't know it was a contest."] Well, that's a significant amount. (I know, weak, but that's the least negative thing I could come up with at the time.)

And on and on. I am just so @#$#$% SICK of his MLC BS!! I don't even like him any more. I certainly don't want to have sex with someone who has not only cheated on me and betrayed me, but could be exposing me to all kinds of nasty diseases. I feel like he is physically contaminated now. There's a reason we both stayed virgins until our wedding night.

Okay, I hear him getting ready for bed, so I'm going to do my 180 and go to bed too. I will have to continue this rant later. But I've been really ticked, and not at all sure I want him back, for several months now. How do you EVER get past this stuff??! And do these insane MLCers EVER wake up??

Insights, please!

Peace,
Dawn