"What you have to remember is they are not capable of all the contact with the kids. I feel they stay away because they are ashamed and not worthy of fatherhood."
Treese, I believe this 100%. My H doesn't see or talk to our girls rarely. I used to get angry. I would call him out on it. He would get mad at me. Try to blame me. Then see them a day or two. Then back to rarely again. I don't say anything anymore. This is his bed. It's his job to clean it up or keep it a mess. I can't fix it for him.
Treese you have to let it go, for you and for your kids. All I do now is talk to my girls. Make sure they know that he does still love them he just has his priorities messed up. That I am sorry and that I love them.
Hang in there Treese. If anyone understands your anger it is I. And I know very well by experience what kind of trouble that anger can cause if YOU let it. TRUST ME! It's NOT worth it. LEt it go! Let him go! Loose any and all control you thought you had or want to have of your lost H. Put them in Gods hands and pray.
(((TREESE))) luv, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Last night D15 asked me if I would get her some make-up to leave at H's house............I thought for a minute and said yes, but that I wanted them all to know (all three were there) that I still hope that this situation is not "forever." I told them that I very much wanted H to move back home, that it would be best for all of us-----------and then I threw in a "unless you like the way things are now..........." No response.
Later D15 called and said they had just gone bowling and were on their way "home." I wanted to scream----it's not YOUR HOME, but I didn't. S9 got on the phone and said he missed me----really, really missed me. I'm pretty sure that was for H's benefit, so that was nice to hear.
Treese - in a way you're luck that your H is avoiding your kids, because I feel like I'm competing for mine. AND it shouldn't be this way! He's the one that wants to be alone, so why do I have to let him "have" them...............I guess I keep hoping that the father/family part of him will win out. He has always been a very good father----unfortunately he is now in the role of Disney Dad, and I fully believe they need both of us.........just not like this.
I'm fighting off the urge to send him an e-mail saying, here I tell you I know about OW, and you just go on like nothing has changed???????????? I want to ask, do you love her?? Do you want to marry her??? I know it's wrong, but ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Di....I asked those questions.....about the OW....don't do it...it will tear you apart..unless you're ready to hear the answers....and you're probably not....I still hate some of the answers H gives me....although I have really learned not to ask...because I can read him now and I know what he will say... And my H does the same things...he takes son bowling, and to play baseball....to the movies, etc....all of it....he knows I don't have the time to take son to all these places so sometimes I think he uses it against me....but then I think....that's all H has....my girls don't speak to him at ALL.....not even hello anymore....how sad is that...
Ok, now all you longtimers.....here it goes....as you all know my H has a "love child" that I just found out about in March...he is going to be 7 or 8...I don't even know....his birthday is next Tues...mine is Wed...isn't that nice....I will be gone with my mom for 3 days because I just didn't want to be here on that day...at least not now...my emotions will just be a mess....anyway....then my H wants to take my son to some gathering next Saturday...which is fine but his other son's mother works with my H (that's how they got together)...she will be there too...I'm sure with her son...I think my H is taking my son to "accidently" run in to them....to introduce my son to him...I absolutely DO NOT want that to happen unless I am there with my son....I don't think it would be right to throw that in my sons face....he's only 11 and he will not know how to handle that....I will be so angry if that happens...what can I say to H to let him know that this can't happen....not until we can discuss it as a family....you can't throw a child whom we did not know about for 8 years in our face and expect us to open our loving arms....it will take time...heck it's only been a few months since I found out....my life is so very complicated....sometimes I think I'm really going crazy.... so there you have it....please give me some advice on this....
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, forgive me but I can't remember IF your children know about their "step" brother-is that the right word? but either way I do think this should be talked about before hand rather than an accidently meeting. Surely H wouldn't just sort of bump into them and say to your son oh by the way this is my other son! NO I can't even think he would do that.
Don't torture yourself with wild guess's talk to him about the possibility.
Calmly I suggest writing it down and practise saying it first-helps to keep the emotion out of it. Have a few ideas of what your reaction will be IF he says yes and then you can voice your disapproval/displeasure. Also have another option IF he says this will not happen. I am also sure the boy's mother would not want this to hapen,she will be anxious to protect her son as well. Deep breaths and write down what you want to say--can this be face to face or over the phone chat or email?. Hope that helps. You can do this Treese and you will get through this. Women are so much stronger than we think. Take care.
Naej......My H would so "accidently" run into them...seriously that's how looney he is right now....and this would be a blood brother to my children....not a step...
And the mother of the child who my H claims to be a good person...is the one who called my H and told him their son was asking questions.....I swear she trapped him and she is so not a good person....she slept with a married man and got pregnant....need I say more.....
So somehow I have to make sure he knows how I feel about it before he throws my son into that....my kids do know they have a brother....that is why my girls don't speak to my H....he slept with a woman...got her pregnant...suppressed that for 8 years & then is sleeping with another one right now....who knows how many more in between...my girls want to know if there are any more kids out there that they don't know about....my life is so screwed up....
and to top it all off....D16 was cut from the volleyball team...one disappointment after another....and H called and was trying to tell me what to tell her...I had to get stern and tell him I took care of her....he hasn't been around much and she hasn't spoken to him but he thinks he can call to put his 2 cents in......he knew I meant business.....I'm doing fine without his 2 cents....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, I am so sorry that your daughter was cut from the team. Life can be so hard at 16yrs. I remember all those highs and lows with nothing inbetween.
I find it so hard to believe that any man would do that but I do believe you. Was the mother a one night stand do you think because she seems to have kept her "secret" for the past 8 years? I know it is really hard to think any good of OW, but when you consider how much he lies maybe it is possible she just didn't know. I guess 8 is about the age whenthey would start asking questions about their Dad. Did your H know of his existance all the time.
Anyway if you are sure he could do this accidental meeting you must let him know how you feel. You haven't much time to arrange a meeting with him so not much time to ponder.
As he is now with another woman he can't have felt much for the other.Does that make a difference I don't know.I think the blame lies more with your H than the ow. Does make you wonder how many othe women there might have been.
So have you considered what you will say? Take care.
Naej.....H had an affair with the mother of his child for "a while" as he puts it....I would come home from work and she would be washing her car in my driveway....I even drove her home from places...I believed him when he told me they were just friends...how stupid was I....and she was not attractive at all....the one he's with now is but the other one wasn't....
H has known about him since she was pregnant...and the funny thing is is that after she had the baby....I looked at him and asked him if it was his...he denied it....he went 3 years without even seeing him...wasn't there for the birth....and now all of a sudden hes dad....and she never wanted support....makes you wonder....I will have paternity done if we get divorced... I want to know for sure....I'm just afraid of what I will do when I see her....I understand it took both of them but she was always after my H and I fully believe she trapped him...she knew he was married with 3 kids....and she still did it....these are not good people....
and the OW he is with now was a friend of mine from years back...he just slaps me in the face with everything...and I found out everything all at once...well within a short period of time.. I believe that after he found out she was pregnant he went in to a depression and suppressed it all....out of his mind....who does that...who denies their own flesh and blood? He is not the person I once knew...and he knew if he had come to me we could have worked something out but he chose to confide in the OW he is with now.....before he told me.....tells you how little he thought of me.....It truly makes me ill.....and I still love him...why?
Last edited by Treese; 08/06/0810:49 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I think you have it all settled now. You said it in your post. Let your h know how you feel about the gathering. I would feel the same as you do. I would want to be there too. My S is an adult and it still made me mad that my h took him over to her house and they met. My S hated her and called her a crack addict. It still bothered me that my h would do that.
Anyway, you have to do what you and your S feel comfortable with.
YR....I want to tell H but I'm afraid he will blow....that he will say it's his son too and he can do anything he wants too...this is the hard part...my girls....no problem but my son is only 11 and I think it will affect him....and if my girls found out H did that they would be soooooo angry at H...more so than they already are...
I hate MLC......or whatever it is.....
Last edited by Treese; 08/07/0812:49 AM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
