Regretful and losing hope

[onedge]

Hi guys, I need some advise,
My wife separated 3 weeks ago because she has feelings for someone else, and i got the ILYBINILWY thing. I hurt her last night, one of our kids, not mine, she was from a previous relationship, told me that she was sad and told me that she felt lonely. In my infinite wisdom, i sent an email to my wife and I was quite nasty, i didn't mean to be but i made her very angry. She doesn't want to be with me anymore and will not take a chance with me after this. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I want her to believe in me again, and be proud of me, but right now I can't even think. I'm not sure what to say here because I don't really know what i'm doing. Any advise on anything would help.

[Dom R]

Continued contact with her, is only messing things up for you right now. You need to take a breather.


So... try to forget about finding that "magic, overnight fix", and instead, focus on YOU.


Then, start posting about what has happened in your marriage.
you havent said ANYTHING about your relationship over the last 3 years.

that kind of hints at a person who is of the mindset, "I dont need to change, there's nothing wrong with our marriage... I just want a quick fix to 'get her back'. What's the magic bullet that always works, to get a woman back?"

There is no magic bullet that works for everyone. Every marriage, has its own challenges. If you share more about your own, unique marriage, then perhaps people can suggest things that might help you. In the LONG TERM.
If she moved out, then you are looking at a long effort; first, a long effort, to maybe convince her you are worth another shot... and then a much, much longer effort, to show her she was right to try you again. "long", as in, "the rest of your life".

Are you ready to look at that?

[yenko69]

Don't beat yourself up about mistakes that you make. We all make them from time to time. Just work on yourself and be the man you want to be. Read the book, post and look at other stories. It does suck because I am in kind of the same situation. Just a month or so ahead of you. It is a bumpy ride.

You can't control her or her actions, just your own. Try avoid having your emotions playing off of what she does. Find out what you need to fix about yourself and work on it.

[LolaL]

Hi Onedge: We all do that. It is our initial instinct to lash out because we are hurt. Put it in the past. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future.

It is hard, but you can pull through. Read DR and post. We have a great board here with alot of support if you want to vent, whine, and be angry. One of the greatest things I have found is the ability to post a potential email here and get really great feedback on what to send and what not to send!!!

[ms ladybug]

This is a great place to post potential emails. You'll get good feedback when it's looked at from different eyes. Sometimes, you'll feel better just typing it out that you won't need to send it.

[pisces9]

yes- come here and vent!
read DR many times- i read it over and over. this requires huge amounts of patience and learning how to love yourself. you can do it!

[onedge]

She just told me that she hates me I am prepared for a long hard road to get back what I have lost, she is worth it, and I wont give up.
Honestly the last 3 years well, for year or so, has been hard, we'd been living with my W's parents which was really stressful, and then we moved out late last year. She had feeling for other guys and I don't know why, she would get upset everytime I brought it up. She wanted me to understand the depression more, everytime i found out things about it, i would talk to her about it, and she would either say "i already know about depression you don't need to tell me" or "everyones depression is different, what helped other people might not help me", without actually listening to me or trying to get better. She is very hard to talk to a lot of the time because she has a way of making me believe that either I'm wrong, or at fault or she would just get upset, and I would stop trying. I haven't been the perfect guy, I admit it, I was guilty of not communicating, but when i tried to tell her that, she denied the problem and said there is no issue in our communication.
I needed to put more focus on her and the kids, and I needed to help more around the house. I know that I have a lot to change and although a "magic bullet" would be great, I know its not going to happen. My wife currently hates me, and she might forgive me sometime, but she wont believe anything that I say. I am not one to ever pretend that there is nothing that I need to change. I need to change me almost completely. . The book wont be here for another 6 weeks, so for now I'm almost on my own. Right now I am at my worst and I don't even know where to start.

By the way, I am 22 years old, and yeah, i am prepared to do this for as long as it takes, or until it tears me apart, whichever comes first

[onedge]

She told me that we need to separate right? but we never set a date to look at it again, and now she says that we will never get back together, but i'm not sure what she wants , and i don't know if she even knows that, how do i stop myself from asking?

[Dom R]

Hi OneEdge,

sounds like a rough position to be in.

also sounds like you have the right attitude, of "help her and the kids when you can".

From her reaction, to what you were saying to her
["stop telling me about depression"]... sounds like the best thing for you to do, as far as conversation goes... is to listen.
Just listen. Dont try to tell her anything. Just ask her, about how she feels, right now. and listen, and try to empathise, instead of fix?

plus... dont bug her all the time about talking to you, either find a balance between "showing interest in her", vs smothering her.

The balance is different for everyone. Hopefully, you know what is the best amount for more wife, more than anyone

good luck, and hang in there.

PS: I suggest updating your signature to show your ages.
it makes a huge difference, knowing you are both just barely 20
A large chunk of what's going through her mind, is probably, "gee, I missed out on dating around, in high school and college!"

[onedge]

It's hard to find a balance now, we aren't in the same house anymore, I'm with my parents, and W is in the place we were renting. She's talking to me, sort of, and I found out that she hates me less today than she did yesterday, which is ok, but she still says that we will never get back together.
We both joined facebook the day that we separated so we talk on that sometimes.
I told her after what happened I knew it was hard for her to talk to me, so I said that "I would always be there to talk to when she needs me, I wasn't going to push her or pressure her, when she is ready to talk I will be there to talk to her". Now she starts conversations at random, then stops mid conversation and I don't understand why. I hurts me when she does it, and i don't know if she would realize it or not.
She says that she wants me to move on, and that by the time she can trust me, and believe me, and believe in me, it will be too late for us, but it wont me too late for me too find someone. Yay me, I get to be a better person, and find someone else, I don't want someone else though.
(yes i realize that i'm very winy at the moment, but this whole feeling is pretty new to me)
Thanks for the well wishes