The Longest Journey, 2

[SDFoundGirl]

Both of you are dead on about trust. When I was about 11 or 12 (we're talking 26ish years ago :o) my uncle cheated on my aunt. They actually separated for months while my uncle was having his fling.

They're happily married now, but when I was going through all of this with H, my aunt said that she still thinks about it and that my uncle will call even if he's going to be 5-minutes late. They have complete transparency because of that event...26-odd years ago. My uncle STILL gets choked up when he thinks of what he did then. They've worked hard and really enjoy each other now...but it's still there.

This changed how I look at my H, and I can't just unchange. I guess if, every time I snooped I found nothing at all and he was honoring what I'd asked for (which is no non-work contact at all), it might be a little different. Maybe not. Or if he'd admitted he stepped outside the bounds of our M...but then he doesn't know I know about the letters or about a whole lot of other stuff I know because I really am a good snooper.

This:

Looks like you just came off of a great trip. Process it and enjoy those moments. A New Earth says that true happiness comes from 'being in life at the moment'.

Be in the moment.

works most of the time. I'm busy with friends and (now) with preparing for the new school year. I have a full life. I don't really sit and dwell on all of this, but it's there nonetheless. It comes to the surface when I find something while I'm snooping or when I feel guilty because my H is working overtime to please me with any number of acts of service and I just feel wary or disconnected, or when I'm really not all that interested in sex because I'm NOT connected.

Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't confess all that I know and see what happens. But then I worry that all my ways of checking up on him will be closed to me...he is not good at hiding things, but he's gotten better at it. I know for sure he's deleted phone calls to her in the past after I confessed I'd listened to his voicemail (where she was laughing at and making fun of me). That ticked him off...and about a month after I confessed that, suddenly calls that I'd seen on his incoming or outgoing already were deleted.

I keep telling myself this is a decision, not a feeling. I either need to be all in or all out, not hovering here on this imaginary line. It's not bad, it's just not...not sure what the right word is here.

Thanks for checking in on me. I'm really okay, I just want more than this.

SD