Real Life part 6

[Starshyne]

Thanks Jeff, I appreciate all you have to say. My Xh said how he had the worst birthday ever (Aug 1) and I told him that was okay because I had the worst Christmas ever.

I don't know why I am taking this so hard. I knew (and even told him so) that he would go back to her. He is so scared of being alone. So scared that so he is willing to be brainwashed by this monster who is so obviously using him (for what I am not totally sure....his good credit I think). As someone who cares about him....take away for a moment that I was married to him for 5 years....just as someone who cares about him....she is NOT good for him. I would rather see him with a different woman than her. And I know that I should be mad at him because he made the choice to listen to her and do what she says about not talking to me at all. However, right now I am feeling anger towards her....so that is how it will be.

I wish I knew how long it is going to take me to get over all this. I just feel so lonely. And to be honest with you all here, I get jealous of those of you who have kids. I know that by not having kids, it made everything "easier" on me with the divorce. But I wanted kids so badly and if I had them now, maybe doing things with them would take my focus off the pain and anger. Everyone tells each other to "do it for the kids." Pull yourself together and be strong "for the kids." What if you dont have kids?

Reall...why am I taking this so hard? I am sitting here crying like I did the day I found out about the affair in the first place. Is everything that has happened the past month suddenly hit me? Was this annoucement about not being my friend the final straw that broke me?

Got my hair done today. Red and blonde highlights which look cute. Been working in my classroom more today. Things are starting to look back to normal in there. I am also going to Chicago with my mom to Beatlefest (the Beatles convention I go to every year). That is always so much fun and this year is set to be great. So I am trying to be normal and strong, but it is such hard work.

[JeffSTL]

Sara: I just feel so lonely. And to be honest with you all here, I get jealous of those of you who have kids. I know that by not having kids, it made everything "easier" on me with the divorce.

I'm lonley also, Sara, Its not that it makes it easier on you with kids, its the way if effects the kids. I worry about them always, how are they feeling, I know they miss their mom on the weekends and it just adds another layer of sadness to this whole thing. It doesn't take your focus off the pain it adds to it, becasue you have little ones to worry about. They no longer see mom and dad show love for each other, what example is that for kids.

Be happy you didn't have to see your kids wonder where their Mom or Dad was at. What made me cry was when I was working downstairs and my S5 was calling out dad, dad, where are you dad, when he found me, I asked him what he wanted, he looked up at me and said I just wanted to know where you were at I could see he was worried, its just so sad.

Your lucky Sara, no little ones to watch as their heart breaks and see them confused about whats going on.

I'm lonley also Sara, we talked about this before, how friends begin to go their own way becasue everyone is busy with their own lives, having the kids doesn't give you a lot of adult conversation. So you can be lonley with kids. I do believe it will get better. I have faith in God, he has a better life waiting for me, (hopefully soon)

M45
W41
M10.75 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08
W files for D 07/18/08
Date I'll forgive W for A = never

[karen43]

Sara: I just feel so lonely. And to be honest with you all here, I get jealous of those of you who have kids.

Well, I feel the same way about OW as you and can you imagine if you had your H take your precious kids out on a date with OW? And then your kids tell you the next day how nice & pretty Daddy's "friend" is? Barf!!! And if I didn't have the kids I would be in another state by now believe it, but I feel like I can't move b/c of my sleazoid H. Anyway, sorry for the rant--but dern, our H's or XH's are messed up aren't they? I do think your H is seriously messed up--the OW is physically abusive and obviously very controlling. I assume the R will be short-lived or at the very least, your H is going to be very unhappy when he fully realizes what he's done!!! Yeah, you just have to keep on living life and detach from him at least until he is not so messed up. Karen

[Starshyne]

I know you both are right. I am better off not having kids because I would have to deal with xH and the OW with them. I do seriously know that. But just to be honest, from time to time this selfish part of wishes I had the kids so that I could have something else to focus on at night. Someone to play with, watch cartoons with, someone to eat diner with...I don't know. It really isn't a rational thought, but it is honest. Not that I am saying by any means that those if you with children have it easier, because I do know that you have it much harder than I do. I admire you all for that. Just something that sneaks into my mind now and then.

The OW is extremely controling and I hate her for it. I tried so much NOT to be a controling wife. She has to know that I need to still contact xH at least now and then for another 6 months because I am still working on changing the title to his car, the house AND...all his crap is still in the garage.

I sent him a nasty tm in my anger that said this
"I thought you valued our friendship. I see I was wrong. Please get you things out of my garage ASAP because I was allowing my friend to keep his things there for free. I will be charging you $25 a month to keep them there."

He will NOT take advantage of me ever again. He doesn't want to be my friend, that is fine. Then I will get very serious and business like. He can't use my garage as his free personal storage unit. He can no longer have things both ways. The cake eating stops here.

Sara