W called this morning to talk to the kids. I talked to her for a bit very nicely. She complained about one of her friends flaking out on her. I ended the call with a 'its been nice talking to you'...she finally reciprocated with a 'its nice to talk to you too'..
I'll try to focus on me and the kids best I can. Mediation date in Oct coming fast. If we get to that point, I think were toast, hence Tostada.
got some more action from W.....she leaves the house and I'm supposed to check in? If she wants to know whats going on around here, quitting on her family isnt the best method of finding out. what about if I go to the grocery store with the kids, do I check in? I think most car accidents happen within 10 minutes of home. I have no idea how to DB her.
here's the banter. she sounds like she's feeling left out.
W; I hear you are leaving for the weekend. It would be nice for you to tell me these things...I am pretty sure you have had this planned for a while. When are you leaving? Should I not tell you what I am doing with the kids? This is not a competition you know..
Me; I'm just trying to live my life with my kids the best that I can.
W; Great...and you should. I just wish you would tell me what you are doing with them. I do like to know when they are traveling...
I have to take your W's side in regards to informing each other on itinerary for travel. Our parenting plan even has it such that a written itinerary is to be given to the other parent for vacations (dates, method of travel flight numbers, addresses and contact phone numbers).
I think you may have blown it some in the interaction with your W. She just wants to know where her kids are going for the weekend.
I have the kids try to talk with their mom every day when I have them and am thankful that she does the reverse for me.
I guess I should have provided some more info. The past couple weekends when she had the kids, she took them out of town without notifying me. I'm not trying to get even, but I think she has made it clear she doesn't want to be a family anymore, and with that goes a certain level of communication. I don't believe I should have to check in with her everytime we do something.
Right or wrong, how do I reply to make it a bit better?
I think you and your W do need to talk about the kids and what each of your expectations are in regards to being made aware what the kids are doing when they are with the other parent.
Hi Tostada, I tried to keep in contact with my W regarding the kids but she prefers to be secretive or hostile or hurtful so she feels more in control. It's best not to get sucked into her drama by expecting rational or friendly behavior from her.
For example I asked W at the start of Summer her plans for the kids. She said "none of your business, you do your thing, I'll do mine" and hung up on me. She was much more hostile but I won't go into that. So I quietly sent her my plans by e-mail cc to D12 and did "my thing". One week she took the kids on vacation and fully intended to use some of my days with the kids without my consent tho' I had made advance plans and told her so. She left me nasty v-mails. For a couple of days I was worried about the kids and felt annoyed with her behavior. But she got absolutely no response from me and at the end of the day she brought the kids back on time.
I agree with Kerry that his way is the way it "should" be. But that is rarely the case.
I am thinking about replying to her that we decided to go out of town for the weekend and left today. We didnt decide to do this until Monday, so it's not like we had long term plans to do this. I will go into some other details too on why we decided to do this, but it has nothing to do with our R, or competing with her in any way. I dont get that at all.
I also want to tell her that I am trying to be as busy as I can and enjoy my time with my kids as much as possible. We certainly wish you were a part of this, but you have chosen a different route. Because of this choice, I dont think you can expect me to be checking in with every detail of my time with the kids. I'm not trying to hide anything, but I think when you left the house, you also left a certain level of knowledge of our family life behind. You know how I feel and I wish you could see the effort I'm putting into my kids is also possible with you.
Perhaps there's too much persuing in there, but I'm a DB failure for sure...that's why I need guidance.
Hey T, when she said "I do like to know when they are traveling.", you can use that as a springboard to discuss that you also would like to know when they are traveling and then give her a very concise summary of where you are going and approximately when you expect to be home.
You would have to hunt through my thread, but, I had a friend from Australia in town and I got my Mom to come and watch the kids. W was up in the mountains and a guy she knows paid. I don't know anything more than that Friday night, she talked to the kids. Saturday night Mom had the kids at her brother's house and W didn't get to talk to them. Sunday night, no one heard the phone and I was ignoring W's phone calls. Into this along with a little alcohol, she decided that I was vindictively withholding the kids from her. In reality I thinking that it was more from her guilt. I didn't tell her I was going to be out on Sunday night too because I didn't want to listen to her complaining about how often I go out.
The point of this story is to point out how easily we can let our fears run away.
this is what I replied back to W on my time with my kids...
"I decided to take the kids down to my parents at the xx. They are not here and went back to xx for a week. I decided to do this on Monday, so it's not something I have had planned for awhile. We will be home on time on Sunday. I felt like doing this because none of the kids friends are around and they really enjoy it at the beach. There is much to do here and we can stay busy.
I dont understand where the 'competition' idea comes from. Your comments make me feel like your looking into me or dont trust me. I'm just trying to be busy with them and enjoy my time with them as much as possible.
Our kids are fabulous and I wish we were raising them together. We wish you were part of our experiences. You know how I feel and I wish you could see the effort I'm putting into my kids is also possible with you. If thats competition, then yes, I'm willing to work hard for this. I'd like to write a million things, but I'll leave it at that."
she responded with this...It's clear to me she doesnt want to engage in any sort of R talk. She certainly doesnt reinforce that she trusts me either. It's a cold reply I think. She just wont even come near the 'work on it' mode at all.
"I'm sorry I made the competition comment. And glad that you are doing fun things with the kids. That is important.
I am not checking up on you....just want to know where the kids will be. That is all.
Friday night, she talked to the kids. Saturday night Mom had the kids at her brother's house and W didn't get to talk to them. Sunday night, no one heard the phone and I was ignoring W's phone calls. Into this along with a little alcohol, she decided that I was vindictively withholding the kids from her. In reality I thinking that it was more from her guilt. I didn't tell her I was going to be out on Sunday night too because I didn't want to listen to her complaining about how often I go out.