You know I have been thinking a lot about what happened and how I reacted and what I allow him to say to me. I have been doing this for years. Telling myself that I am not good enough. If the tape runs long enough you start to believe it. Every cell in your body thinks it to be true. I dunno the good in me but the bad and the sad. I am best friends with her. The part of me that tries so hard to do everything perfect and in the end I feel like I havent accomplished everything I wanted to. I am blind half the time to what I can be. Who I am and where I want to be. I am trying so hard to prove I am good enough and I fight hard enough. I hardly ever get to enjoy. I read lots of books and know I am supposed to stop and smell the flowers and yet uit feels like it is slipping thru my fingers. By the time I get it will I even know it? Will I be able to enjoy it? Will I be to old to have had fun with it? I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes it just hurts. It hurts that I dont always have the sens e or the answers for what I need to do and what I can say no to.
I know pain all too well and so when it feels good it is a little bit scary. I keep looking for the way to be better and my Husband says " BE BETTER TODAY THAN YOU WERE YESTERDAY"
I FEEL THIS PRESSURE. Can there be times where I am still and it is ok to just breathe and relax and enjoy where I am.
I realize in my FOO~ They made me feel ugly like I didnt matter. And to others? I am an attractive Woman. I am beautiful. I hate to admit , I dont like Mirrors very much. I don’t see what others see. If I have had a few drinks I can quiet the voice enough to feel good. I at times can feel good in my skin on my own and yet I see it is a struggle. I feel sad that I do not love myself the way I should.
So these boundaries I must know and I must set are not tangible. I cant out them in words yet. And to be honest that in itself makes me sad. I am 37 and I should have this down by now. I feel blessed to know that I am growing and moving forward. I know I cant erase the past. I just wish it didnt have so much impact on my today.
I vowed never to be that Woman who put up with [censored].
Then~
I became her and lost everything that was me. I lost myself and yet I was always here. If I try to remember just a few years back it is honestly a blur. Too much pain to have memories of it. And yet it haunts me still.
I think I saw he was happy and I could just brush all my leftover anger and hurt under the rug. I cant and I must not.
Amazing what someone elses words can do for you. Thanks XXXXXXXXXXX for being so honest and not sugarcoating anything in your words to me. { quote below}
Quote:
Quote: In a power struggle, both people are screaming to be heard and validated, and neither is doing that for the other. The first step is not necessarily to validate one another but stop the invalidation of each other. Invalidation can feel like control. Stopping this in itself can be a big thing. All it takes to do that is stay out of the pit. Let him have his say. Let him vent. Let him do what he thinks he needs to do to make himself feel better (within proper boundaries of course).
You won't be taken over, lose your identity, be made into a slave, be subjugated or anything else you may fear, not if you put proper boundaries in place. So the next thing for your to think about is whether you have a firm understanding of boundaries, what yours are, and why are they what they are?
It is just what I needed. I havent talked to my Father in over 3 years and even before that I was never close with him. My parents divorced when I was 11. My MOM? She never really talked to me. I cant just call him up and say he Dad , this happened how can I improve as a Human Being. Just yelling and so that is what I knew and what I became accustomed to. I am trying to live a new life and at the same time I see I am getting in my own way.
