I Guess I'm Still Piecing

[RedHeadWife]

I guess I'm still incredibly insecure about my M. H seemed very distant last night. I emailed him & asked him about it & he said he is just tired. I just get this bad feeling that it's the "I love you as the mother of my children, but I'm not in love w/ you anymore" deal again. He said that he almost asked for a raincheck when I initiated last night, but he didn't want to disappoint me.

I guess my background is needed since I haven't been here in awhile. H dropped the D bomb back in January '07. He had numerous A's beginning early in our M. He told me about 2 of them about 4 yrs ago & I decided to stay & forgive. Then during the D bomb sitch, he was having an EA. He finally decided to stay "because he loves me" in April, about a month before he was deployed for a year. Of course, while he was gone, he missed me & our 3 boys, but then when he got home, reality set in. The stress etc. of every day life w/ 3 little boys (8, 4 & 2).

I've been very open & able to talk to him about anything. I haven't been this insecure for quite awhile. I guess I need to get back into my DB boots or something. I have been doing things for myself -- going to the gym etc. We also have plenty of family time and have somewhat settled into a better and less stressful routine w/ the boys. I forget sometimes that we are all learning to live w/ each other again after H being gone for a year. He has only been home since May, and I need to keep that in mind I guess.

I just don't know why I am getting this "feeling," but maybe my radar is just up again for some reason. I have actually learned to completely trust him again, as we both know that I would not stay again if he cheated again. I honestly think he has chosen his family, but I just am getting the feeling in my gut that he's not necessarily happy w/ me; that he wants something or someone different.

It's just tough sometimes.