Honestly, there had been some and he'd been on the meds. Then for a long time he didn't need them. He'd thought he'd gotten over the problem. It could be stress, or guilt, or just leaky valves. I don't know.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Tight black pants? I am so getting this movie now. You guys have me intrigued.
So a bit of journaling. Last night the H made it home before me since he got out of work first. We hung out in the garage and just talked a bit at first. I leaned over and gave him a kiss and then he told me he had a patch on.
The Doc thinks he may have decreased testosterone and gave him a patch to help. In addition to the meds and the patch, he'd like to wait a bit before we try again. I tried to be understanding and tell him that it was ok. That just being with him and cuddling and kissing were good.
He would prefer we don't even do that for a week or so, to see if the patch helps him. I tried so hard to just not climb on his lap because that is what he needed, a little distance. It was really hard, but I sat at the kitchen table doing homework most of the night. So hard to focus, but I did actually get some of my work done.
After he went to bed I read for a while and then felt a little sad. I was worried that maybe his problems with the M were what is affecting him. Specifically, his problems with me. I had a good cry for about 45 minutes. It was actually a good cry because I felt cleansed afterwards.
See, if he was worried about this for a while, it has a lot to do with feeling his age. I understand he is questioning a lot of parts of his life, but he isn't questioning whether I love him. He knows I love him. Now I need to be laid back about all of this.
I realize I can't get insecure about this because that will make it harder on him. He told me it isn't that he doesn't want me. He just seems to have a decreased drive. When he was a teenager he didn't have that problem. I should be thankful that he is willing to treat it. Maybe the testosterone will help and maybe just not pressuring him will help.
In any case I'm ok this morning. I have my math class tonight and I'm scrambling to finish my homework before 6. With any luck he'll be awake when I get home.
It is so hard to sleep alone after 21 years of sleeping in the same bed. I just do not sleep as well. My eyes seem to pop open around 4 am no matter if I stay up late or go to bed early.
One really positive thing this morning. I waited a bit before I got in the shower with him and he asked where I'd been. I asked if he missed me and he said he had. Wow, talk about making my head spin. I'd just gone to put a post-it on his rear-view mirror in his car. It said, I love you just the way you are.
Nice kiss and hug before he left. I treasure those!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
there you go....take the small positives that yo uare experiencing and build them...write them down for when you get down and reread them all the time...
give him space. as difficult as it is....it's embarassing when things don't work they way they're supposed to...IMO anyways...Give it some time.
you are doing so well...keep it up!
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
It is so hard to sleep alone after 21 years of sleeping in the same bed. I just do not sleep as well. My eyes seem to pop open around 4 am no matter if I stay up late or go to bed early.
That's the DB alarm clock going off. It's kinda like a dog whistle, only we can hear it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
