JUST USED LRT-WHAT DO I DO NOW???

[BarbieDoll]

Sanderika:

I have felt what you are feeling. The hurt, the anger, the disbelief. And the LYING! But I have to tell you. Even after 7 years and 3 years divorced, my ex STILL lies to the kids and I. He is not proud of who he is or what he has done. So he lies about it. I think he just got used to lying about everything and I think sometimes he even believes himself.

Just remember that you should only do what you want to do. You can get advice from the lawyer but only you can make the decisions. A divorce is only a piece of paper. It won't change the emotions of the situation. But it does free your H up to marry OW. And there's not much chance he will come back to you if you divorce him.

Only you can say when you've had enough. Hang in there.

Barb

[Sanderika]

Thank you Barb,

Are there other reasons why a WAS would continue to lie to their LBS???

I have been thinking about this a lot because of the Lawyers comment.

I plan to ask the Lawyer why he said that.

Someone who is cheating and being wrong in their actions, or who has done something wrong, immoral and without values, also those who are guilty of their choices and actions are the only people who would feel they have to lie.

If my H feels this way, why doesn't he stop it? Is H addicted to his now lifestyle???

I have been reading on this BB night and day. I believe my position will be to keep standing. I am not going to cancel the appt. though. I need to know more of my rights.

Afterall, it is not only H I have to work with, H has OW and her BFF filling his head with BS about me and this sitch everyday, I am sure.

Thanks again, Barb.

Sanderika

[KarenMarieS]

Are there other reasons why a WAS would continue to lie to their LBS???

Sanderika
I agree w/ Barb, my ex too, 6 yrs gone and over 2 yrs D and I catch him in lies even with the small contact we have! Its more like he lies by emission so he dosnt have to admit certain things, ashamed perhaphs, guilt? Who knows.

It will come back to haunt them , I am sure you cant keep that up forever.
(( Sanderika))
Its ok, It will get better

[naej]

Hi Sandeika, I agree with the girls, mine has been gone 8 yrs virtually no contact but he is still caught out with his lies. I actually think he doesn't know he does it and the sad thing is he has no reason to.

[Sanderika]

Thanks girls,

I was hoping someone would come back and say....

"He lies because he doesn't want to hurt you. He lies because he is still on the fence."

If they are guilty and ashamed, why keep up the behavior??

I knew H was going to go on vacation and I said things like:

I wish you all the best.

Happy Birthday.

Happy 3rd anniversary. (3 yrs w/ OW)

It's always been on your bucket list to go to Sturgis, so you should go and have the time of your life. Enjoy yourself. You might never get the chance so go and have fun.

SURE......

I told him I would file while he was gone, but I am a chicken I suppose. AND I don't want to when it comes right down to it. Someone here said "let them be the one to file if and when that is what they want. Don't make it easy for them."

Maybe it's time to cash in on my 2nd DB Coaching Session w/ Jody.

Maybe I should wait until H returns and see what surprise that may hold for me.

10 days to go to the 36 month mark in my separation.

I am not GAL right now as good as I was at the beginning of the summer. My S12 has been at camp 2 weeks now and one more to go. It's mighty lonely here right now. Last night I was in bed at 8:00pm, night before it was 7:30pm I know, not good.

Thank you all......I am greatful for new friends.

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Sanderika,

When you are not sure about what you should be doing, do NOTHING!!

BE STILL!!!!

Don't make decisions based on emotions.

This is a very crucial time for you and inorder to be able to make rational and wise choices you have to try and detach from the BS and take time away.

I don't think the LRT was the right thing in your situation but I do think it is time to go dark....pitch black!

This is my opinion, so don't take it literally.

Try to step back from the situation and learn how to breathe through the pain you are feeling.

(((((((((hugs))))))))

[Sanderika]

Brandnewday,

I will take your advice and do nothing.

Going dark is easy for me....I am extremely passive.

Thanks for the hugs....I needed some.

If I do nothing, can you suppose what my H will do????

Just curious....Thank you,

Sanderika

[brandnewday]

Honey,

I don't know what your Husband will do, and in all honesty I don't think he knows what he wants either. According to what you have shared you have been riding this rollercoaster for 3 years. He has had ample time to file for a Divorce. Only he knows why he hasn't.

I remember a time when I finally told my Husband that I was emotionally ready for him to file for the Divorce. I was tired of the gun being held against my head and the threats of him filing every time he got mad at me. I took back my power. I was no longer afraid.

What you do need to understand though is that YOU have the control as to what YOU want in this relationship not him.

You can take all of your control back and IF you decide that you want to be done, after you have given it enough time then it will be up to you, not him.

After the bomb, I began seeing a wonderful therapist and she told me many times that one day the choice to take him back would be mine. I did not believe her, but it was true.

Once I learned how to detach and to get on with my life it got easier. Don't get me wrong, I missed my Husband, I missed the Marriage and I hated being a single Mom to so many children. But I also reached a point in my life where I knew I was going to be OK again.

You will get to that point and you will start to see things differently. Steppig back, going dark, and not focusing on him and his antics will help you more then you will ever know.

Setting boundaries, which only you can decide, will empower you and will help you to get stronger.

((((((hugs))))))

[Sanderika]

Hi Brandnewday,

THANK YOU


My sitch is similar to yours. My H MLC was triggered by his mother's death in Oct. 2004, we spent 6 months watching her die from cancer. Out of the 4 boys, my H took it the hardest. At her funeral he was a wreck, kept breaking down and sobbing. The other 3 were very collected. Everyone noticed.

I date my H MLC as of when H left me....8/16/05, it was probably bubbling away though from her death on. I know 2005 was not a good year for us at all. Our troubles started at Christmas in 2004. We had lots of ups and downs.

I was in my own funk....I am sure it was deep depression. That added insult to injury. Every day.... "I didn't want to play"

I had a very close Aunt who was dying of cancer at the same time and I lost her in June 2005.

The summer of 2005 we got along very well. I commented to several people that we are going to be just fine. We did a lot of things as a family and my H and S12 also had a lot of fun alone.

Needless to say I was broadsided by the bomb. At first I went right along with it and acted like a "big girl".

I immediately started to primp up and put on a different face and demeanor. I did a 360 in about 30 days.

In Sept. 2005 my H had gone to the county courthouse & had got own D papers, started to fill them out and to this day they sit the same way in the same place in a draw in his office.

It was my 360 that got H to stop and that was back in fall of 2005. I know since then H has watched me very carefully and that is why we rekindled our friendship and sex life in Jan 06.

The biggest problem we have is the OW...aka...GERM. Somewhere along the way he fell in love with her. In this he somehow has himself believing that he isn't in love with me.

I admit I spent a lot of time around the holidays in 2005 pleading, begging and crying for him to come home. I now know that did me absolutely no good.

I try very hard to not have R talks with H. Since March we have had only 2.

I think once your H let go of the OW he was able to see a clear path for home.

I honestly believe that if my H and the OW would break it off for good my H would come home too.

I hear thru the grapevine that they fight all the time and it is not greener grass. My H asks his best friend all the time "what should I do" Best friend tells H "go home guy, go home". Seems to me if H is constantly asking he must be filled with discontent with the OW.

I know patience, patience, patience....I really hate myself for the D talk I gave H last Wed. nite. The timing was horrible. Just before he and OW go on vaca together. OMG, what was I thinking????

I am afraid of what H will say when he gets back next week.

Sanderika

[Sanderika]

My FIL was just here and he said he told my H about a month ago that I was at my wits end with this sitch and that I had just about had enough.

FIL wanted to get together with my H to talk to him about the situation and my H refused to meet him to talk about it.

This has to be a bad sign.

I take it that H doesn't want to listen to ideas or advice about the situation. H respects his Dad's opinion so much. H also knows that his Dad and entire family wants to see us back together again.

IS THIS A BAD SIGN THAT H REFUSED TO TALK WITH HIS DAD????