My feelings toward her remained basically the same for the first 3 years of my illness. I loved her, talked with her, although I was so sick that sex was rarely on my mind. Occasionally, but I was one sick pup. Her attitude shifted once the kids were born also, but after I went down, she basically acted like a care giver. And after three years of being treated like a 2 year old, when I became sick I also became an idiot, I had an EA. It lasted about 5 weeks, and my wife was aware of it. I ended it, because it was not what I wanted, I wanted and needed her. But she has never been able to come back into the R without having real issues. Emascualting type behaviors. And that just angers me.
Church became difficult for her, while scripture and church became much more important to me. In fact, she blames that on a lot of it. I went to marriage counelsing for 7 mos alone, she went twice. The marriage counselor told me she said she was not going to participate. She basically told him she wasn't meeting me half way, she was done. So when I told her that I likewise was done, I began to prepare in my mind for a divorce. To move out. Started thinking about where to live, how to do this thing. I didn't/don't want to, but it may yet be neccesary. I was basically doing a 180, and didn't know it. I was preparing to move on with life. She then said she wanted to fix this, but it's been status quo mostly since then.
My self confidence is shot, because I'm always at fault, she's always mad, and I've finally realized that short of a miracle, this thing appears to be over. I am here because somewhere, deep down, I believe that we could be good again. Somehow.
