problems.....don't amount to a hill of beans......

[faithisbelieving]

Agree cire....I do this ...to wash the beach clean.

Over the summer/fall '06, I discovered the letter she wrote to her dead friend, asking her 'what to do about John'. She became angry...unrelenting anger...completely withdrew. The times we had intimacy were one sided and clearly, it seemed to be a chore for her. I stopped asking. She became secretive. In November, '06 she confessed to me that she had a one night stand. She made many statements varying from sexual..."she may have been in it for the moment physically but not emotionally" to anger, "you pushed me into the backseat of that car." She came back to me and then slowly began to withdraw, becoming cold and angry again. She would go on and on to me that she was "a good person", having to reinforce that conflict between what society tells us about what women she is and what she desired inside.

Over New Years, we had an R talk and heard "I don't want to crush you but something is missing. It feels platonic. There is no physical chemistry." Then, anger and depression throughout spring '07. She then wanted a separation in '07. If important signs of lack of desire or interest in another man are separation, secrecy, shaving...then she exhibited it all. In the fall, when I suggested that we go away together to try and reconnect, she told me that she was "closed".

Over the summer, things were stable in the house until Aug'07 when I discovered 'Zack', her third indiscretion. I told my W I wanted a divorce since I had previously told her that a third man was a dealbreaker. She begged me not to. In front of my son, she put my ring back on my finger, gave me two cards, one requesting forgiveness and one professing her love and redirected the R/M back to a holding pattern.....limbo. She continued to see Zack, after work, in parks..and was unable to stop the behavior as if it were an addiction.. I filed in December '06.

Until recently, it was hard to comprehend why my W had such little remorse for her behavior and TOTAL inability..or should I say...lack of desire to repair the marriage. Did you ever break up with someone that you didn't like? Is there a food that you don't eat because you don't like the taste? Think about it. When asked to give me the number of this man, she defended him..as if the loss would be terrible. I made the unrecommended move of calling this dude, and, on the phone, he told me that my W had told him that she was separated. Single men many times will avoid married women, and, lying to them can open the door for the A.

Since filing, my W has told me several times that she doesn't want a D, only to be followed up with inaction. Actions DO speak louder than words. Frequently, she would tell me that 'we would always be family' or 'I'll always cut your hair', obviously unaware of the horrible pain she's caused. She doesn't see this as loss of family as I do.

By the time, we, as men, hear from our W's all the issues of why this is happening, frequently, their decision is irreversible. This can be strongly reinforced if tney are infidelitous with a single man. They develop terrible guilt and we become a constant reminder of it. Frequently, they must 'wipe the slate clean' to leave that guilt behind. In MOST cases, even if a man reconciles with their W, they will frequently throw the A back at them...or live with insecurity.

"I love you but I want the romance back." How powerful a statement. I initially thought that it meant that I wasn't romantic enough for her. I also believed that I wasn't a good husband. I believed that the failure of my M was all my fault.

I'ts not MLC at all.

It's not depression...the depression resulted BECAUSE OF the terrible realization that she was going to leave her H.

They are not aliens..although it seems that way to us.

Some of our W's do this....for whatever reason, be it hormonal, sexual, etc...because they lose the desire and passion for us and are then torn with that discovery.

It's not 100% our fault. They leave good husbands with beautiful children and lovely homes.

And that's that.

I'm done.

FIB