CAKE-EATING

[butterflymom]

I still stand by what I say. Yes, you can trigger people to act differently, but you can't MAKE them act differently if they don't really want to.

I liken it to a toddler learning to potty train. The toddler has to WANT to use the potty and not their diapers or the "training" is never going to work. You can show them the potty, give them treats for using the potty and make it an attractive option for them, but if that child wants to use diapers then they are going to use diapers and you can't control that. They are in control of themselves and their own actions. not you, not anybody else.

The only person that you can control (or change) is yourself. You can make yourself an attractive option and your marriage a safe haven, but I think it damages self esteem if we think we can change our spouse by using these methods and then they still don't change. It makes us feel like failures. Like we didn't do ENOUGH. We may have done all we could, but unless the other person wants the same thing that we do then we will never be successful.

I'm one of the "success" stories on this board, but I still subscribed to the belief that I couldn't change my H, I could only change myself and that regardless of the outcome I would be OK. I think the focus should be more on how we can change ourselves to be better people (in my case, more Christ-like) rather than on how we can change our spouses. It's just a healthier approach to the situation.

BFM