It also does not mean throw your weight around and bark out orders.
But I would honestly love to hear from any of the women out here as to whether or not they would have respect for a man who allowed a wandering female spouse to do whatever they chose to do and just accepted it.
To me man up means to be honest about who you are and what you think is appropriate from a spouse.
And yes, sometimes that means boundaries. But as J3B is quick to remind us, boundaries mean nothing unless we are ready and willing to enforce them. And that means consequences.
Consequences are not punishments.
We are not dealing with children here.
Our spouse, regardless of their wacked out emotional condition, knows dog goned well what is right and what is not. They might have become like an alien, but they have not left the planet. They know full well when they are crossing lines.
It's my belief that reasonably applied and enforced boundaries for behavior, with consequences that are for OUR protection and care, are not things that close the door or seal the deal for our wives.
And if you are a man who is tolerating a cheating, cake eating spouse, and encouraging that behavior by condoning it implicitly through your neediness, I think you're much more likely to be treading down the path of "sealing the deal."
A woman who does not respect you is not going to want to return to you.
There is room for manning up. In fact there is a strong need for it with some of the guys who come to this board. We just need to be good about making it clear just what that means and doesn't mean.
Blessings,
Bill
This post of Bill's pretty much sums up my view as well. As many of you know, I'm as "tough love" as anyone around here, but "tough love" needs to include both elements -- the "tough" AND the "love."
Too many approaches emphasize one at the expense of the other.
I also think the tough approach works best when it represents a sort of "180" for the person, especially if that person is a man. If they have been overly enabling, overly passive, allowing cake-eating, etc., in the past marriage history, then it can be extremely effective. However, if they've been overly controlling, then it may be a counterproductive approach (CAVEAT: if the person was TRULY controlling in the past. NOT if a spouse actively involved in an affair CLAIMS "controlling" behavior on the part of the betrayed spouse, because that is classic affair script and usually so much b.s.!)
I also believe that there are a whole different set of dynamics when infidelity is involved, that require different, often tougher, approaches.
To me, "man up" means that you set and enforce boundaries, WHILE DBing (GALing, etc.) and shining a path back to the marriage.
