..... "So, remember, whether you do it effectively or ineffectively, when you ask your partner to do things differently, you are trying to change him........Furthermore, if you spend a lot of time trying to change him with ineffective methods, you will start resenting him because he's not bending and he doesn't exactly appreciate you either. In fact, he gets downright mad. So, if you are going to reform your partner in any way, big or small, why not use a method that's sure to minimize resistance and feelings of indignation and hostility?"
have to disagree with the overall view of this paragraph in that you can change someone else. By any method. Whether it be through DB or some method you choose yourself.
Many times we fall into a trap thinking we can change our partners by acting a certain way and I think that is very destructive to us. The only person that you can change is YOURSELF. You cannot change your spouse. Your spouse is the only person that can change themselves.
That being said we can act in certain ways that make them want to behave differently than they did before. It's harder to spew at someone that's being nice to you (some it do though, granted), but as for changing your spouse, like the old saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"
If you do all that you can and your spouse is still not coming around, don't blame yourself. You can't change him. He has to be willing to do the work on himself or reconciliation will never happen or work if attempted. It's definitely a two way street.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
