Craig..in my entire 2 plus years of being here....I will say for the first time that I strongly disagree with you. Although the tidbits I posted here were some of the more dramatic and , to you, 'hogwash', the thoughts and theories presented in the entire pdf are just too credible to ignore.
If you ignore some of the author's 'issues' and look at the meat of what she is saying, there is a lot of truth to it. In fact, I would highly recommend it to other men here whose 'sitch's' fall into the same category.
It is sobering.
It is intimidating to men.
It makes sense.
For me, it explains my W EXACTLY AND DOWN TO THE EXACT LINES SHE USED...EVEN DOWN TO THE TIMELINE.
No..it was empowering to read, because, it gives another perspective to men who are the victims...a woman's. After going thru this, why would ANY MAN ignore anything from the 'other vantage point' if it broadens understanding or even thought processes, even if they are not healthy ones.
This is NOT: -a scientific study -a description of the average woman -a diagnosis -written by a scientist
It IS: -a pattern of behavior by SOME WOMEN -a theory which is the sum and substance of what THESE WOMEN told her -information that would enlighten a man who has been thru this -something that provides ME with CLOSURE -something that supports DB PRINCIPLES: it is not about you.
You can throw the baby out with the bath wather Craig. Not me....information is power.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks FIB. I am not in a position to use the LRT. I have many positives in my situation, I just have to be patient.
I don't blame myself for my M crumbling, but I do take responsibility for my lack of communication. I do realize that my h and I have a serious communication gap. Almost the whole time we have been M I feel we have struggled. This is what we are trying to overcome in mc. Not easy though!
I have a tendancy to get under his skin and it triggers some deep emotions within my h. I am working on how best to communicate with my h. I do realize that it takes 2, but right now my h is not a whole person and I could not expect him to react the way a whole person would.
Dealing with a person that is severely depressed is way different than having a conversation with you or I.
Don't read to much into the PDF go with what your heart is telling you.
FIB you are on your way to making a better life for you and the kids. Glad you are at peace.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
And I've allowed the paraphrasing to post because it is therapeutic for you to do it.
That said.....I don't buy a good deal of what she said, and I'm not going line by line with it.
YOUR HEART is all that matters, and if you're wore out, you're wore out.
In all that she has written, she CANNOT predict the future for you or your wife.
I believe in miracles. I believe in baby steps.
And I believe there's a miracle waiting for your, probably in spite of the two of you.
You are an amazing man. You make whatever decision you need to make. I hope you make it with your own heart. I believe your miracle will happen regardless of your choice, because you are a wonderful man.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thanks sg and glam. I read, register and understand what you are both saying. This PDF doesn't tell me 'per se' to dump my wife, give the boot ..divorce her...etc. It describes to the 't' her behavior over the last several years...almost PERFECTLY.
It does describe how to deal with them and it is NOT too far off the mark from DB principles. It simply tells you how to break the cycle of their 'limbo'.
Finally...my friend frank_d reminded me about my book...The New Earth...and how 'wallowing' in this book is 'egoic' and not living 'in the moment'. He is right. So..Idone sg..no more quotes. I'll finish it myself.
Two threads back or so I chronicled the real time events of the demise of my M. As I said, this PDF has given me tremendous relief with regards to closure. I'll 'epilogue' again with how I see how the demise of my M played out with regards to 'theory'.
It just makes sense now..it just makes sense. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
the pdf isn't going to change the world, it's not going to invalidate a person who chooses to stand. what it is though describes a certain portion of the female human race that cheats.
we can't freak out every time something hits close to home and call it blasphemous.
it's info, thats all. it can be a tool to avoid that type of person again.
I was talking to fib and I mentioned I had dinner with a divorced woman. she felt the need to let me know she cheated on her ex, and found some humor in the poor guys suffering. I got up and left. she was incredibly attractive on the outside, but that quick look at her inside told me she was as train wreck and should be avoided.
Jeff...ford....thanks. I agree. Indulge me if you will...one last time....to 'close out' they why's.....no more after this. There really isn't much to publish here except the day to day goings on in the life of a dead marriage (yawn)...and the Perry Mason action that occurs every month and a half or so.
Intersections with 'theory' will be highlighted.
The Demise of My Marriage
I married my W in 1999. Like many of us, she had issues growing up (don't we all?). We had the same meeting as all here...romantic, intimate and my W pursued the marriage and commitment. "I'm not moving in unless I have a ring on my finger" My W DID give a lot.....she converted her religion and gave up celebrating Xmas in our house. She gave me two children and she was very sick during the first and went thru it a second time for our daughter. They say that women who 'give-more-than-they-receive' have a tendency to cheat and divorce their H's.
About 4 years into our M, my W began to withdraw. I noticed this but didn't see it as a signal. She had to give even more to work in my office to help keep overhead down. There began to be an imbalance in the marriage. She had to help keep things afloat. As my profession began to go downhill and income plummeted, we were not able to do things we always thought we could....decorate the house, go on vacations. In fact, my W at one point blamed me for losing time in my office and missing D5 grow up. Like some women in this group, I shattered her dreams. Marriage was NOT what she thought it would be and probably, the sacrifice of her fidelity and independence were becoming, to her, not worth being shackled to her H and M.
As described in DB and the pdf, my W began to emotionally subtract herself from the marriage and probably knew, long ago, that she was going to punch out of the marriage. She decided to go back to school to prepare for living in the real world. At school, she met John, pre-bomb, who was able to push the right buttons and reawaken what she thought was dead. According to her story, she gave him her number, he never called...our close friend died of cancer at age 36 and then my W 'broke'.
My W once told me, that, the fact that she developed feelings for this man "told me that there was something wrong with our M. It shouldn't have happened." She put tremendous emphasis and meaning into this.
Finally, I was bombed in May '06. Little did I know that, my W, gave me the ENTIRE ANSWER TO WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH HER AND OUR MARRIAGE WHEN SHE SAID THE FOLLOWING:
Quote:
I love you but I want the romance back
In essence, my W had told me on that day: FIB, I love you as a man and as a father....you're a good person..but I lost my sexual desire for you and I want to have that feeling..that high...back.
It's so clear now. It's not MLC. It's not disease. It's not depression. It's so clear. Will continue. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB...if we could all go back in the past and correct whatever things we know NOW were wrong or if we did a little differently, the course of our lives would be different.
i have a friend that played the lottery once a week
for real
she played the same numbers everytime
important event dates for her
so anyone...the jackpot was like 124 million and she went to buy her ticket
and she got to the gas station and it was raining and she decided not to go in, the line was long, she would get wet etc. So she just went home
her sister called her crying the next day and screaming about what was she going to do with all the winnings
they picked her numbers
she would have won the powerball if only she had gotten out of the car and went inside
but
if she won the lottery she would never have met me and her son wouldn't have met my boys (not that we are worth the powerball)
but there are many other things that wouldn't have come to pass in her life
we are where we are today we can learn from the past but we can't regret it it brought us to today and the knowledge we have and the love we have nurtured
and if we look at yesterday we won't have time to enjoy today
Agree cire....I do this ...to wash the beach clean.
Over the summer/fall '06, I discovered the letter she wrote to her dead friend, asking her 'what to do about John'. She became angry...unrelenting anger...completely withdrew. The times we had intimacy were one sided and clearly, it seemed to be a chore for her. I stopped asking. She became secretive. In November, '06 she confessed to me that she had a one night stand. She made many statements varying from sexual..."she may have been in it for the moment physically but not emotionally" to anger, "you pushed me into the backseat of that car." She came back to me and then slowly began to withdraw, becoming cold and angry again. She would go on and on to me that she was "a good person", having to reinforce that conflict between what society tells us about what women she is and what she desired inside.
Over New Years, we had an R talk and heard "I don't want to crush you but something is missing. It feels platonic. There is no physical chemistry." Then, anger and depression throughout spring '07. She then wanted a separation in '07. If important signs of lack of desire or interest in another man are separation, secrecy, shaving...then she exhibited it all. In the fall, when I suggested that we go away together to try and reconnect, she told me that she was "closed".
Over the summer, things were stable in the house until Aug'07 when I discovered 'Zack', her third indiscretion. I told my W I wanted a divorce since I had previously told her that a third man was a dealbreaker. She begged me not to. In front of my son, she put my ring back on my finger, gave me two cards, one requesting forgiveness and one professing her love and redirected the R/M back to a holding pattern.....limbo. She continued to see Zack, after work, in parks..and was unable to stop the behavior as if it were an addiction.. I filed in December '06.
Until recently, it was hard to comprehend why my W had such little remorse for her behavior and TOTAL inability..or should I say...lack of desire to repair the marriage. Did you ever break up with someone that you didn't like? Is there a food that you don't eat because you don't like the taste? Think about it. When asked to give me the number of this man, she defended him..as if the loss would be terrible. I made the unrecommended move of calling this dude, and, on the phone, he told me that my W had told him that she was separated. Single men many times will avoid married women, and, lying to them can open the door for the A.
Since filing, my W has told me several times that she doesn't want a D, only to be followed up with inaction. Actions DO speak louder than words. Frequently, she would tell me that 'we would always be family' or 'I'll always cut your hair', obviously unaware of the horrible pain she's caused. She doesn't see this as loss of family as I do.
By the time, we, as men, hear from our W's all the issues of why this is happening, frequently, their decision is irreversible. This can be strongly reinforced if tney are infidelitous with a single man. They develop terrible guilt and we become a constant reminder of it. Frequently, they must 'wipe the slate clean' to leave that guilt behind. In MOST cases, even if a man reconciles with their W, they will frequently throw the A back at them...or live with insecurity.
"I love you but I want the romance back." How powerful a statement. I initially thought that it meant that I wasn't romantic enough for her. I also believed that I wasn't a good husband. I believed that the failure of my M was all my fault.
I'ts not MLC at all.
It's not depression...the depression resulted BECAUSE OF the terrible realization that she was going to leave her H.
They are not aliens..although it seems that way to us.
Some of our W's do this....for whatever reason, be it hormonal, sexual, etc...because they lose the desire and passion for us and are then torn with that discovery.
It's not 100% our fault. They leave good husbands with beautiful children and lovely homes.
And that's that.
I'm done.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
