Yes, FIB. Life after is not the fairy tale, ride into the sunset I (we?) all thought it would be if we could just get to this point. We spend so much time and energy DBing and in crisis mode that, when the crisis is over, we're left dealing with our own feelings about what's happened. The trust that was just smashed.
I know that snooping isn't productive, and in the end, it not only hurts me, it hurts our intimacy. I know this, yet I do it. I do it knowing full well that it doesn't change or prevent anything.
Why?
One of the big things that happens as a result of these bombs is that our peace and trust are shattered. I think most of us knew the M wasn't that great...I mean, I know I thought about leaving more than once. I also had my own issues to work on that probably wouldn't have been worked on unless a bomb like this happened. And I AM grateful for that aspect of it.
But...well, I didn't bomb, I didn't leave, I wasn't writing love letters to LW and I stayed in the game even though I was pretty miserable myself.
Before this happened, I would have told everyone (and I probably told a lot of people) that my H wasn't the type to even THINK about cheating. But he did...in every sense but following through. He really felt something for this woman, and for me that feels worse than a physical attraction or even sex.
I don't have that blind faith in H anymore. I believe it could happen again. I'm doing my best, but, after all, I *am* human, right?
You guys have "known" me for a long time now (two-plus years!), so you know my actions, thoughts, feelings as accurately as anyone is able to report. I just keep wondering how to really get over this, and I come up empty.
Do I think LW is a threat anymore? Not really...there's still that 1% worry since she's practically the next Buddha (sarcasm there)...but it's more that feeling of betrayal that just clings to me.
Mostly I wonder, If I am not a very good girl and act the way my H thinks I should act, will it happen again? I'm not talking about bad behavior here, folks, I'm talking about who I am. I am direct, I tend toward shyness with people I don't know, I truly do love quiet time by myself to read or make art or just veg, with the right people I can tell some of the dirtiest jokes you've ever heard, I'm not overly ambitious or money-chasing...I am a teacher because I love to do it and really have no intention of pushing past there, I am smart, I am opinionated, I am kind...I am a real human being who, through DBing, found MYSELF and love for MYSELF. I worry that I have to soften some of those aspects of who I am to fit into someone else's mold or idea of what's acceptable. And I just can't do it.
So, I worry that it'll happen again, and I never all that comfortable in the R. Some days and weeks are wonderful, and others are just...disconnected.
Not sure how to go about feeling differently about all this...more than anything, I'd like to trust my H again. As good as he is, as hard as he's working, I just don't.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
