Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[tpaschal]

S9's letter to his father (with my opening and closing remarks):

H,

This is S9's "letter" to you that I referred to in my letter.


It is a kind of stream of consciousness monologue from S9 on the evening of Thursday, April 3, 2008. I'm not sure if you remember, but you did come over from 3:30 til 5pm and spent the time working in the yard. The yardwork was very needed and much appreciated, but the kids did miss spending time with you.


You left a little before 5pm to take a load of yard waste to the recycling center. S9 was sad about not getting to be with you, and asked if you were taking him to soccer practice that night. I told him I didn't know, but he could call you if he wanted. He called and you told him you couldn't do it and said Mommy would have to take him. He was pretty disappointed.


A little while later I was sitting on the couch proofreading a report for D14 on the laptop. S9 was sitting with me watching TV. He started asking me why Daddy didn't hang out with him that afternoon, and why Daddy wouldn't take him to soccer. I told him we should really be thankful for your help in the yard and said I wasn't sure about soccer because I hadn't talked to you about it. I asked S9 what he was thinking. He was quiet for a minute and then started talking.


His first comment surprised me and really made an impression on me, and I immediately typed it on the bottom of the page I was proofing for D14. When S9 kept talking, I just started typing everything he said without him knowing it.


It didn't come out in one long flow. S9 thinks about things very deeply, and it sometimes takes him a little while to put words to his thoughts so that they come out like he wants them to. His comments started out slowly with him saying just a few sentences at a time. I didn't want to interrupt his thought process, so I didn't say too much. Sometimes I would nod or say "mm hmm" to acknowledge that I was listening, or would occasionally ask, "what do you mean?" S9 would be quiet for a few seconds, or sometimes as long as a couple of minutes so that I thought he was finished and had gone back to concentrating on his tv show, but then he would start talking again. After a little while it started coming out more and more quickly.


After several minutes he asked if I was typing what he was saying. I said yes, and then he started addressing his comments directly to you instead of talking about you in the third person.

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It's like Star Wars, you know, where Anakin was "light" and then he turned to "dark." It's just like Daddy. You know, when he was with us he was in the light and now he's in the dark. You know, just like the Chancellor turned Anakin to the dark side, it's like the girl turned Daddy to the dark side.
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Anakin was tricked to going to the dark side just like the girl tricked Daddy to going with her.
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I said, wow. Those are big thoughts. I said I understand what you are saying, but it isn't fair to blame everything that's happened on her. I said that Daddy and I had made mistakes, too. And that just like Anakin, we were all grown-ups who could have made better choices.
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Yeah, but don't you want to fix it? Don't you want Daddy to come back so you can both fix it?
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I said yes.
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So why doesn't Daddy want to fix it? Why did he just leave instead?
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I said I didn't know. I said it was that whole thing about choices.
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That's why it's like Anakin cause if the Chancellor had left Anakin alone and not tried to turn him to the dark side, Anakin wouldn't have made the bad choice. He would have stayed in the light and not turned bad.
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It's like a bad spirit and a good spirit are at war and the bad spirit is telling Daddy to do bad things and is winning and the good spirit is losing and surrendering.
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Daddy probably doesn't realize it, but a lot of people he knows like his friends from before and all are sad, and, you know. Sad that he's turning to be a bad person.
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It makes me feel really really bad that he might have some more kids. It's like he doesn't want to be our real dad anymore. That's what makes me the saddest.
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It's really important that Daddy isn't doing what God wanted for him. I think maybe God's disappointed with him. We pray every night to say thanks about all the good stuff that's happened and all the other good stuff we want to happen, and we pray for Daddy and I even pray by myself for the girl to remember that he already has kids and a wife and she shouldn't separate him from them. Good people would not do that to a family but bad people would. Bad people might think divorce is okay, but it's not.
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And I'm really sad that we are going to have to move away from our house and our friends and maybe even our school. It's like when we moved away from (friend's name). I don't want to go through that again.
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I just, well, can't live like this. I don't want to move to another house. I'm worried that we won't have enough money to pay for a house or car or other things. You say we'll all be okay, but we need our Dad, not just our Mom. There should be a big connection with a dad and his kids, and now it feels like the connection has been cut in half and he connected with the girl instead. And now he'll probably have kids with her and have a big connection with those kids instead. That's what happened to some of my friends at school.
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It's so sad because Daddy already has three kids and he probably thinks now that we can take care of ourselves. He probably doesn't care that much if we even live or get injured or anything.
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At this point I told him that Daddy still loved him and no matter what else happened, Daddy would always love him.
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Yeah, I love him a lot, too, but that's what makes it sadder because Daddy even betrayed his own parents and they're really sad and disappointed in him and I wouldn't want that to happen to you Mommy and I would never want to turn into that kind of person.
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And when people get married the preacher asks if you promise to spend your whole life with that person, and Daddy said yes and now look what happened. It's like, why did he even get married or have kids if he didn't want to be with us for always?
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It's like we can't handle this and we turned into those people whose parents are gone. And it's like Daddy promised on his marriage that he wouldn't do that and now he's doing it anyway and it's really sad that this is my only life and this is how it's turned out and this is how it's going to be.
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This is when S9 asked me if I was typing what he was saying, and I said yes, so he started addressing his remarks directly to you.
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We're really disappointed and it makes me sad and it makes me cry. D14 and D5 are pretty mad at you, but really they miss you a lot. Mommy still loves you and misses you a lot, too. And it makes me sad to see Mommy sad. And now you didn't see us at Easter and you probably won't see us at the Banquet and now I don't even know if you'll see us at Christmas or New Year's Eve anymore. And even when we go see you it seems like you don't really, you know, want to be with us too much. It just seems like you're always too busy with other things or other people instead of your kids.
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We just hope you come back because we really miss you. When I see shooting stars most of the times I wish you would come back home. We really miss you a lot.
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But it makes me sad cause it's like you are being mean a lot and telling us you're going to sell our games and our horse and D14's cell phone whenever you get mad at us. And it's like you're lying all the time and hiding stuff but we know the truth so why do you keep doing it? Like about the girl living with you at your apartment because all her clothes and shoes and stuff are there. And it really bothers me because I know you're lying and you know it but you do it anyway. You can still stay in the light but it's like the girl is luring you to the dark side like the Chancellor lured Anakin to be Darth Vader but you don't have to go there.
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And there's a lot of other things I think about, like you betrayed all your promises and your family and even your own brother and a lot of other people. It's like the girl is like tricking you and making you think she's a good person but a good person wouldn't take you away from us and she's really confusing you and it's like you're in a box but you can still fight back and escape.
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She could have gotten someone else who didn't have any kids, so can't you come back? Because there are a lot of other people she could find who aren't married and don't have kids and I think she just wants us to go away.
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She just wants us to disappear so she can have you to herself but you don't realize what we're going through and what we have to do.
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I asked S9 why he thought some of these things, especially about the girl not wanting them.
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Cause that's what happened to all the divorced kids I know at school. As soon as the dad gets a new girlfriend or a new wife, he doesn't see his kids much anymore. It's like even if the new girl acts nice at first, pretty soon she gets tired of the kids coming over or the dad being gone to see his kids cause they're not even really her kids. And my friend's dad had a new baby with the new girl and he almost never gets to see his dad anymore. The dad is too busy with the new family and it's like he forgot all about his first kids, even though he promised that wouldn't happen.
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I asked S9 if he would like to talk about some of these things with Daddy, instead of just to me.
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I kind of just don't have the energy to say it to Daddy and it's just that sometimes I can't even remember all the stuff I want to say but I can say it now and maybe we could make this a letter and I can say it in the letter.
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And if he reads this and he cares maybe he will want to come back and it would be the best miracle ever. Maybe he'll realize that we all still love him and he still has a chance to come home. The girl could find someone else. I hope that will happen right away for her. She could find somebody her age who maybe just finished college and would be good for her and that's what everybody wants even Daddy's friends and all his relatives.
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I gave S9 a big hug and thanked him for sharing his thoughts and feelings with me. He asked when we would give you his letter, and I said I didn't know. I said we would pray about knowing when would be the right time.
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The following remarks from S9 were made at bedtime on Thursday, April 17, 2008.

As I was putting him to bed he realized that it was Thursday but Daddy hadn't come to see them. I explained that you had called and you had a big test to study for and weren't going to be able to come that day. I had decided to wait to say anything, because if they didn't realize you were MIA, I wasn't going to disappoint them by reminding them.

S9 was sad and I talked with him a little about how he was feeling. I encouraged him to call you if he wanted to, but he didn't want to. I told him it was okay to tell you when he's sad, but he said he didn't have the courage. We talked a little about courage and what it meant. I asked him why he didn't
have the courage.

S9 said, "It's kind of like......when Daddy was here there was a big wall around us. You know, kind of like Daddy was a big wall of protection around the house, and you know, around all of us. Daddy was a wall of protection around the family. But now that Daddy is gone, the wall is gone, and I just don't feel.........."

"Safe?"

"Yeah, like I don't feel as safe anymore."

I told him I understood how he felt, and said that sometimes I felt that way, too, especially in the beginning when you were first gone. I reassured him that we were going to be okay, that I was there to take care of him and keep him safe, and I wouldn't let anything happen to him or our family.

S9 said, "Yeah, but we're not a real family anymore."

I told him we were, that he and D14 and D5 and I were a family, and that was a real family, and that you still loved him and were part of his family even if you weren't living with us.

He said, "Yeah, but we're not a whole family anymore. We're broken."

Then S9 said, "You know, it's kind of like a big body. Like a big robot body or just a big body kind of thing. Daddy was the head of the body, and me and you and D14 and D5 and Grandma and Grandpa were the hands and legs and arms and other parts of the body. But when Daddy left it was like he took the head off of the body. And now the rest of the body is falling apart, like the other parts of the body don't know what to do anymore without the head, so it doesn't work anymore and it's just falling apart."

Of course, by this time I had tears but tried not to show it. I told S9 that I knew how sad and scary it was, but that we would be okay.
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These are just a couple of the things that S9 has shared with me over the past year and a half. He wants to talk to you about how he's feeling, but for whatever reason he hasn't been able to. He talks about not having enough courage, or enough energy. D14 is acting out her anger in unhealthy ways, and S9 is keeping his feelings bottled up too much of the time and then it spills out in bouts of crying or angry temper tantrums.

I would like to ask you to please think about seeing Dr. Whatshisname again (on your own, not with me.) You and I need to find a way to co-parent peacefully and work together to help the kids get through all their hurt and anger and confusion. Dr. Whatshisname has been doing this for a long time, and I think he would have some good, workable ideas about how to help make that happen.


You were a wonderful father for 12 years, so please don't be the kind of selfish person who puts himself and his own needs above those of his children for the rest of his life. The kids are the ones who suffer for it over and over and over again, even as adults, and your children don't deserve to suffer through that. No child does. I've seen that happen too often, and I'm sure you have, too. I'm afraid that if you don't find some way to rebuild a real relationship with your children soon, it will be too late to repair some of the damage, and you (and they) will end up regretting it for the rest of your life.


Sincerely,
TPaschal