Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[tpaschal]

TPaschal's letter to H:

Dear H,

First, let me say thank you for our three bright, beautiful, loving children. They are something wonderful we share that no amount of anger, disappointment, or hurt will ever be able to erase. They are proof that the majority of the life we shared together was loving and happy and beautiful, even if you've forgotten that or convinced yourself otherwise. They have taught me a lot this past year and a half---a lot about myself, about the joys of being a parent, and about unconditional love.


I've come to realize that I do have unconditional love for you. I know all the wonderful parts of you, and all the dark parts of you, and I love all of you. I'm sorry I didn't figure out sooner how to show you the depth of my love. Loving you unconditionally doesn't mean I will be a doormat, or that I won't be hurt or get angry at you, or even that I will sit around waiting and pining for you. I am moving forward with my own life. But it DOES mean that my love for you isn't based on whether or not you love me anymore, or whether or not we stay married. My love for you just IS.


However, my love for you doesn't blind me to the fact that our kids are hurting. I don't think you realize how much.


D5 is starting to forget you. Not forget who you are, but forget the importance you once had in her life. When you first left, she cried for you, wanting her Daddy, and asked all the time when you were coming home to her. She still talks about missing you but it's becoming less real to her, almost like you living here with her is only a vaguely remembered dream. She was hardly more than a toddler when you left, so in another year or two she won't have any clear memories left of that time in her life, of you being an everyday Dad to her. That is heartbreaking (because what 5 year old child doesn't deserve to have both parents together loving, taking care of, and living with them on a daily basis?), but in some ways it's less painful than what D14 and S9 are going through. They're too old to forget. They'll always know what they're missing.


D14 is at a difficult stage of life right now, and she would be butting heads with both of us even if you lived at home, but she and I have also had some real bonding times over the past several months. She has had some very mature conversations with me about her thoughts and feelings. D14 adored you and had you on a pedestal, even if she didn't often show it. Even though she whined about us being too strict, and moaned about S9 and D5 being pests, and persistently and stubbornly questioned and chafed against the rules, she felt completely secure in the knowledge that her parents loved her and each other, and felt completely secure and supported by her stable home life.


Now D14 feels like her entire world, her entire foundation, her entire belief system, has been yanked out from under her. She (and S9, as well) still cannot comprehend how you could suddenly say that you didn't love Mommy anymore when everything she saw and knew for the first 12 years and 8 months of her life completely contradicted that. Now D14 truly believes that you do not love her anymore, either. Yes, she can be a difficult, melodramatic, hormonal teenager, but she still believes this even when she isn't being dramatic. I reassure her that of course you love her, but sometimes she crawls in my lap and cries like a baby because she doesn't think so and because she misses her Daddy.


But S9........he is the one who truly breaks my heart. And he is in an impossible situation. Maybe you think that S9 loves you more or accepts the changes more than the girls do, but the truth is, he is just as hurt and confused and even angry as they are. But he has a totally different personality than the girls do and doesn't approach things the same way. As you know, he has always been the sensitive, thoughtful, empathetic one. He wants to win your approval and your love and wants to make you happy. He also sees how upset you get at D14 when she makes waves, so he just doesn't voice all that he's really feeling.


The kids love you and want to spend time with you, even D14, who often acts as though she doesn't, and they tell me they do have some good times with you, but they say they miss the Daddy they knew from before. They can sense a difference in you and in how you feel about them and relate to them. They ask me why that is. They ask me why you are choosing being with someone else over being with them, why you don't see them very much anymore, and why you sometimes act like you don't really want them around when they do spend time with you.


I don't have answers for those questions. How could I? I don't understand it myself. Even if you demonize me and blame me for every single argument or hurt feeling or misunderstanding or miscommunication that ocurred in our entire 20 years together, that does not explain how you can treat your three bright, beautiful children this way. It does not explain how or why you could physically leave them and emotionally distance yourself from them. It does not explain how you could make D14 think that she is even partially at fault for you leaving, or why you think it is okay to tell your young kids that the grandmother they love and depend on tried to kill herself many years ago. I can't begin to tell you how disturbed they are at this. I know how much that incident traumatized you when you were a teenager, and it obviously still affects you deeply, so why would you think a 14 year old, a 9 year old or a 5 year old could cope with this knowledge? Where is your common sense as a grown man and a supposedly responsible physician? I don't ask these things in anger, but in bewilderment.


I've shared similar feelings and asked similar questions several times over the past year and a half, but I've also held my tongue on several occasions because I didn't want to anger you further. I still had hope that we could restore our marriage and I didn't want to cause any more rifts between us, but I am done with thinking that way.


I still believe absolutely, 100 percent, that we could still restore our marriage, and have a new relationship that is better, stronger, and more loving than the the old one ever was, but I have realized that for right now, at least, you aren't able to see that, and in fact may never be able to see it. You would be our hero and the most loved man in the world if you came home, but I know that there is nothing I can say that will convince you of that and nothing I can do to force you to give me, our marriage, and our family another chance. I stll pray that you will come to that decision on your own, but that is up to you. For now, at least, you no longer seem to value the same things you used to, so I have turned my feelings for you over to God and am moving forward with life, both for my own health and happiness and for the kids'.


You may look at this letter and the following one from S9 as emotional blackmail, or as an attempt by me to convince you to come back. If that is what you think, then I will feel sad for you, because that is not the case. Giving you this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with your children. I will not stay quiet anymore when it comes to the kids just because I'm afraid to anger you. You need to know the pain to the kids your actions are causing, and if you react in anger instead of with care, concern, and contemplation, then that is your choice.


S9 has been wanting to give you his "letter" for a while, but I held back because I wasn't sure how you would react to it, and I didn't want it to negatively impact your relationship with him. I've been praying about when would be the right time to give it to you, and when I asked him a couple of nights ago how he felt about it, he said, "Yeah, I think it's about time. Maybe we should have even given it to him a long time ago."


Maybe S9 was right to want to give it to you earlier. He is sometimes a very wise little boy. From the way he normally talks and acts, you might never know that these things are percolating in his mind, but I swear to you that I did not put these words into his mouth. These are all his own thoughts, words, and feelings.


I don't know if you are at a place emotionally or spiritually where you will be able to read this letter or S9's and take something real from them, or if you will reject them totally. I hope you can see that both S9's letter and mine were borne out of love for you.


Sincerely,
TPaschal