Soooo...so much for waiting for D to leave on her trip yesterday to have "the talk".
I am not even sure where to begin. I am too long winded as it is. We ended up talking on Friday night. NOT brought up by me, but by him. It was bad dbing on my end, but felt good to get a lot of crap off my chest.
H worked late, so instead of a matinee we ended up going to dinner. We had a good time, great conversation. We decided to go home and then go for a walk since it was actually pretty nice out. (meaning the wind wasn't blowing)
As we started out H brings up how now that softball is over, he'd like me to start helping with the mortgage. Inside I instantly saw red. My H walked away with 2 bills, the house pymt & a cc w/a low balance. He makes very good money to boot.
I on the other hand make 1/3 of what he does. I am paying all the utilities, cell phones (his too), car insurance (his car), car pymt, health insurance (he's covered) & a cc. (low balance) I also make 1/3 of what he makes. I pointed all of this out to him, in a very cold voice. I was trying really hard to hold back the tears. When I get angry, the tears flow. I hate this about me, but its what happens. He proceeds to tell me that its not just the house, but what he really means is he'd like to see us putting money aside. At this juncture of the conversation, I couldn't even tell you all that was said, but he seemed to feel better when we were done. I didn't. I was seething inside. I made a comment about how I hadn't wanted to have this conversation with him until later this week after D left and he agreed but haven't I noticed that these convos seem to take place when they are needed the most and we can't control when they happen? I disagreed with him and said I have purposely avoided continuing convos that were going to be deep R topics because I wanted to wait. His reply was Oh.
We kept walking and I just boiled over. I told him that I loved him with all my heart and hated him with every fiber of my being. I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to fully trust him again. I know it went up and down hill from there, I really don't remember much more of what was said while we were walking, he did keep putting his arm around me and pulling me close. I really let loose with both barrels on him and he took it and validated it.
When we got home, it was getting dark and we sat on the front porch to continue talking. I finally asked him point blank what it was we were doing. He asked for clarification (other than sitting on the porch) I said you and me...moving forward, hanging in limbo what? He said he's really been thinking about coming home, but he wants to wait to see what happens with S21. That floored me and ticked me off. I basically said, so my life with you is on hold, because you think I would let him come home when he gets out? The S who hasn't lived at home in 3 yrs, since before we moved into this house? Seriously?? I haven't let him live with us since his last go around with drugs. I could count on one hand how many times he's even spent the night in our home; 2 for a holiday and 1 when the hospital asked me to keep him overnight last spring because they wouldn't have a bed for him until the morning. Even that was done as a last resort.
He admitted that maybe his thinking was clear here, and he really needs to think about it more. He does want to be home, he is enjoying being here with D and I and does hate to leave when he does. He does miss us when he's not here. I don't remember now how the convo ended, it did end on a good note. I did feel like a got a lot of things off my chest that I've held in for the last 4 months.
He spent the rest of the weekend with us. He did go back to his Uncle's Sunday night, but only because he needed clothes and D & I were getting her ready for her trip. I was actually glad he went home. I felt like I needed a breather.
He was at the house when I got home yesterday, spent the night, was going to work from our house this morning because the power was to be out for 1/2 hr at his uncles today. Had forgot his wireless router so left. Sent me an IM that he'd ordered the rest of the bark for the yard, would I please help him with that after work if he promised to have dinner ready at 5 when I got home. He is planning on staying tonight too.
A few weeks ago, I was actually looking forward to this week with D gone and us having time to ourselves. I wasn't counting on me feeling so unsettled about everything. He has been very attentive, saying ILY, using pet names that he hasn't used in months, being very affectionate, really being his normal self. The person I fell in love with. My problem is, I know there is a Mr. Hyde in there and it scares the hell out of me. I did mention that to him this weekend, and he "knows" this winter will be better, it won't be the same. Well, I don't believe he knows that either because he's said that the last few winters and it hasn't changed. So pardon a girl for being nervous.
He is leaving Saturday to go up to his dad's house for a week. That should give me the space I need, I hope.
