Intimacy Amongst Imperfection

[goldeylox]

CL, thanks for stopping by my thread. I've been lurking in Piecing for a week or so. What first caught my attention was the length of time you've been in this state "5 years with the same approach ain't working."-tmite
I've been fantasizing about D for several years, scared to make a move for many reasons. I think we have a few things in common. Plus, everyone loves a dancer! I hope this month goes well for you and your W. Peace.

[Concerned_Listener]

Jak, Lanzo, and Piecing Friends,
I finished a busy weekend.

I was invited to my W's private dance lesson, and ended-up having it turn into my lesson. I will take three lessons, and then join my W for the Beginner 2 West Coast Swing class in September.

My W was impressed by the comments the teacher made about me. She seems to think that he's impressed with me. I wouldn't know. I'm focusing on developing new skills.

We attended a different dance venue that focused on the new dance we're trying to learn. I was intimidated and danced very little. My W was so concerned, she recruited a lady friend to dance with me. How embarrassing!

I have a good feeling about the WCS community. It's closer to our age. The people want to get good, but there seems to be less ego involved than the salsa community. The people seem more down-to-earth, even the advanced dancers. I know people aren't perfect, but I have a good first impression. I think there's going to be more opportunity for connection for my W and I.

We went out again last night, and I got back on-track. I just need to practice this new dance and master the basic skills. I will be fine.

I got an email this morning about this weekend. My W is thrilled to have a dance partner, and is proud of my progress and efforts. She signed the email , with love.

We met with the financial planner last week. We put together a plan to pay down debt. Other than that, we're on target for retirement. My W invested her windfall, which is wise. It feels good to have someone help us with this part of our lives.

CL

[Aud31]

Three cheers for you CL! \o/\o/\o/

I'm glad things seem to be coming around...keep pushing the envelope as far as you feel you can.

[Concerned_Listener]

Piecing Friends,
My marital stock has been like the price of oil this past week--up and down daily.

I was up after the private dance lesson. I was down when I threatened to leave the dance due to intimidation. I was up when I stayed for the dance. I was up when we went dancing the following night. I was down on Monday due to dissatisfaction by our cooking customer (my W's sister and BIL).

I've been doing about 80% of the cooking lately (shopping, cooking, pureeing, smoothies, and drop-off). This is a PT job that my W accepted about a year ago. I've been her assistant with increasing responsibility these past several months.

My W and I partnered on the rice pilaf, which didn't turn-out well this time. She warned her sister, but we sent it on anyway (mistake).

I had a lapse with the quality of my smoothies. I might have been in a hurry, as we wanted to attend a dance venue that evening, and it was already 7PM.

My W was on the phone with her sister throughout the day. I've received about five angry emails from my W. She is disappointed in me. Her sister wants her to be more involved in the cooking, and to keep an eye on me. She doesn't trust the quallity of the other food now.

I sent an email and apologized for the smoothie lapse. There were some pieces of fruit left in the drink. I have to take the consequences for that lapse.

My W is upset because she had to field the complaints, and her sister can go on and on. She also is upset, because she now (per her sister's instructions) has to be more involved doing the part of the job she dislikes.

I will take my lumps, accept my piece (smoothies), and try to learn from the feedback that's being provided.

I will also need to problem-solve, as I think partly what happened is we recently have been wanting to attend the Sunday night dance venue, and this has created a deadline.

I slept in the guest room, last night. My W said not to talk to her, as she was very angry, and had been crying all day.

CL

[Concerned_Listener]

Piecing Friends,
I am officially "in the doghouse" today.

My failure to completely puree the smoothie has created quite a reaction from my W's sister. It was a lapse. There's no excuse. The job was going on seven hours on a Sunday, and I was tired, and was eager to make it to the dance venue. There is no excuse.

My W has been ordered to supervise me more closely. I fear they may fire us.

I continue to get angry emails from my W. She's using this opportunity to "kitchen-sink" me. I'm getting a long list of complaints about various issues.

I listened to her rant on the phone to allow her to vent.

It's frustrating because I've worked so hard on this job, and have helped to prepare a consistent product week after week, and now one lapse results in this.

I think this is consistent for her sister, though, so it's not personal. She holds people to high standards, and can change on a dime her opinion about you, feelings she's been holding in for some time.

I'll have to ride-out the storm, try to learn from the feedback, and hope we don't get fired.

I'm not looking forward to going home tonight.

CL

[naej]

I am sorry(((()))). I confess to smiling whist I read but I know it isn't funny.
Hang on in there.

[Concerned_Listener]

Naej,
Thanks for laughing actually. I need some perspective.

Her sister's reaction seems out of proportion to the lapse.

I'm thinking, knock some money off the fee. My W offered everything on the house for that day (overly generous IMO).

I'll go home and take my W out to dinner, and see if I can calm her down. Maybe we'll practice some dancing. I feel badly for her having to take the brunt of her sister's venting.

CL

[goldeylox]

Would it be the worst thing if you did lose the job? I mean really, was this an isolated incident or an ongoing problem? Sounds like someone was embarassed and you were an easy scapegoat. You showed tremendous restraint not trying to make excuses, but you are not a doormat! Peace.

[Concerned_Listener]

Goldey,
The most significant part of yesterday's events, is that my W and I went out to dinner, and dancing and then practiced afterwards. She was not pleasant company the entire evening, but when we practiced together at home late at night, she calmed down and smiled. She asked me where I was sleeping, and was happy that I chose to sleep with her.

Her sister has been a bundle of anxiety, and is apparently worried about the next cooking job. My W is the liaison is worn-out from trying to explain what happened, and reassure that she will be more involved. She had fallen back into a minimal direct role, and as liaison with her sister. I think we are at-risk of losing the job.

If there have been serious concerns I've not been aware of them. Last week, we had two items below quality (smoothies, rice pilaf). This has never happened before. There have been isolated complaints about various things over the past year.

My W said that if she can dance, than she can feel she has something constant and positive in her life, and can better weather financial and other stressors. The good news is that I've cultivated this aspect of our M, and have achieved a dance partnership status with my W.

I think you are astute about me being the scapegoat, and about the basic dynamic going on behind the scenes.

I wrote a poem this morning about being a robot and maintaining consistency and quality with our responsibilities. However, the siren of play, connection, and joy want to enter our lives and we have lapses with our robotic, habitual routines.

I had a lapse with the smoothies. I work five days a week. I cook on Sundays to earn extra money. I've taken on most of the role, as my W was hoping to get another PT job. We've been dancing more frequently and often. We've started going to a Sunday venue, and I was eager to finish so I could join my W. I had a lapse with my robotic ways. I had a human lapse.

CL

[Concerned_Listener]

I'm noticing some positive pattern changes with my W as we recover from our PT job crisis.

As she was venting to me in the car on the way home, two nights ago, she told me that I had the power to change the mood (meaning her mood). She said that if I felt so powerless, that I didn't think so, that that is a shame. It provided me an opening for a positive topic, and it did work, temporarily.

She left a voice message saying that when she gets frustrated, she feels like quitting everything. I'm not used to getting admissions of feelings with some insight. This is a break from the persistent pattern of acting-out with anger and blaming.

She's been sending me a flurry of emails, letting me know some of her stressors--financial, job, undone household chores.

She went and bought some landscaping tools this past week. I broke my procrastination with this, and started trimming some hedges and grass yesterday. She noticed and thanked me for it.

During one of her venting episodes, she mentioned our unresolved intimacy issues as a problem.

We have a dance class tonight, so should get back on track.

I'm going to try and loosen my emotional grip on the cooking job. It's really my W's job that I've been assisting with. Her sister prefers my W's meticulous ways, versus my more casual, yet consistent approach.

I think my W would quit the job, at the first opportunity. The salary is very generious, so it keeps her hooked. It pays for dance lessons and expenses like car repair. However, we are not dependent on it for monthly expenses. I don't even factor it into our budget. There wouldn't be as much disposable income.

I will follow my W's direction, assist as-needed, to the extent needed. I will accept if my W abruptly quits, or her sister decides her standards are not being met.

I may suggest to my W ways to make the job less stressful--occassional weeks off, varying the time of the drop to allow us to attend our dance venues. Otherwise, I will get back to being consistent, and let my W manage the administrative side of things with her sister.

CL