Completely and utterly devastated--how to cope

[BigHands]

Good start! I'd consider going one step farther. Plan your own thing as a fallback. If he doesn't get back to you or doesn't want to go, you should have something spectacular planned for yourself that doesn't involve him. He needs to see that you are strong enough to live and embrace your life!

[istherehope]

Hi BH,

I think I will plan something as a fallback. Only problem is that I'm flying into Dublin that weekend regardless. I think he's only excited so I can stay and watch the pets while he goes on a business trip. Well at least I'll get to see the pets! I sent him my ticket today--just so he can see that I am serious about this (in counseling he said he keeps thinking I am going to try and change his mind). He actually said--don't buy your ticket back yet as I might have a business trip around that time. Ugh--I reminded him that we had this trip booked, and while it was entirely up to him, he should bear those dates in mind when planning his business trip.

What if I went on the trip by myself if he didn't go? It would be sad, maybe heartbreaking, but would be a show of confidence!

ITH

[istherehope]

Hi,

Not sure if people are still using the goals thread, but I set a few yesterday, and wanted to see if people had any feedback. I tried to make them as actionable as possible:

1) H will show cautious optimism as evidenced by either a specific mention that he wants the M to work OR specifically mentioning longer-term (3+months out) plans; I will help enable this by continuing to think positively about the M while empathizing with his POV
2) H telling me he misses me might be too much to expect in the next 2 weeks--instead I want H to make some reference to my absence from the house and the fact that it's noticed, even if it's just saying that the cats miss me; I will not pursue him at all during this time, and this will give him the space to think about my absence
3) Given that I am leaving in 2 weeks, physical affection might not be a possibility--however even a lingering hug when we say goodbye before I leave for Poland would count for me, as long as he initiates
4) We have a trip planned in just 1 month--a weekend trip for H's bday; he is not currently committing to go, but I am leaving it in his hands--by missing me, and me being low pressure, I want him to decide it is worth going ahead with it
5) I have asked H about a session in Boulder--he has said only let's see--I want, through very low pressure interactions, to get him interested in the idea and agree to give it a try
6)I have been exercising nearly daily for the past 10 days and will continue to do so
7) I will quit focusing so much time on the boards while at work, and will dedicate additional time to catching up on tasks I am behind on
8) When I go to Poland in 2 weeks, I will start language lessons in order to get more immersed in my new locale
9) I will train for either a marathon or another endurance event as it helps me to have a tough goal outside of the R

FYI today at work I set a goal to only look at the boards once per hour. I stuck to this. Maybe I can start making it more like 90 minutes until I get to the point where it's only lunchtime and before/after work. It's becoming an obsession! Also today I bought my tickets to Poland. This was the first step in making my new situation a reality. I really hope H is having mixed feelings about this (beyond needing someone to care for the pets!).

ITH

[One Day]

Hi ITH,

I like all the goals, except number 5; what you might consider 'low pressure', H might see as a high pressure interaction. Don't even go there! Instead focus on the other goals. If he misses you and you make progress there, then move on to a next set of goals, of which Boulder could be one. JMHO.

Well done on not looking at the boards during work time. I'm down to a quick look once a day, but it's taken me a year to get here- I was a total addict at first; it's a board addiction rollercoaster!!

[istherehope]

Hi OD,

You're right about goal 5 of course. Maybe I am seeing this Boulder session as so much of a panacea that I feel some pressure around it won't hurt anything. I just know the dates we need will get booked soon if I don't book them first!

OK, so I will focus on seeing progress in either goal 1 or goal 2 first. If it is clear that H is at all optimistic about the future, then I could build on that optimism by suggesting another logical step--an intensive counseling session. I guess also if he says that he is finding counseling useful, in general, that I can then somehow work it into conversation. OK this is going to kill me, but no mention of it for at least 2 weeks unless it becomes obvious that it's the right thing to do...

Thanks so much for pointing this out!

ITH

[BigHands]

I think you got some great advice there. Low pressure, any pressure, is high pressure to him right now.

An important thing, with the exercising you're doing, don't stop eating and drinking. Most of us lost weight on the D diet (45 lbs here). It happens. But, with the stress you're under, your body still needs nourishment.

[istherehope]

Thanks BH for the reminder. At least I love to cook, so once I have my own place in Poland for awhile, I intend to force myself to do it, and to eat, by trying to have dinner parties on the weekends...

Hope you're well,

ITH

[BigHands]

I'm stressed, but fantastic!!!

Cooking was a joy I discovered during my situation too. My daughter sure is glad for it, as are a few other people.

[pisces9]

i have learned through my DB coach that therapy may happen too soon within a separation...it needs to happen much closer to the point of reconciliation when you have a much happier, more positive history together..otherwise all you will dicsuss is problems...i would be very cautious right now to reccomend this anymore. let him come to you. it may not be needed if you DB. im leanring that one!

also- you can go for you- that is always good- but be careful who you pick..i just let my therapist go- and now i just talk to a DB coach every few weeks...

[daisy282]

Hello IST

I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the post on my thread. I have caught up on your story and again just wanted to say that I'm truly sorry that you are going through all of this. Don't some days just feel like a nightmare? Like "shouldn't I wake up now"?

I am fairly new to this whole thing and see that you have been getting a lot of good advice here. I think we have very similar stories, I am very organized and detail oriented person which often translates as "control freak" to my husband and others in my life. I am still trying to figure out how to let go of things and let my husband lead our relationship and the changes taking place. I was recommended a good book through another poster here called The Surrendered Wife. I totally agree that relationship books in this stage can be toxic but this book really helped me understand the way my husband sees things and has helped me to take responsibility for the things I have done wrong that have led my marriage astray. One thing that it talks about that reminded me of your situation is this:

"Helping in wife language translates as controlling in husband langugae."

I totally got that because I always try to help my husband and did not realize it could be seen as controlling but when I read that something clicked in my brain and I got it.

I don't know, it might help you. I do not agree with everything 100% but it sure helped me.

I can only say hang in there. It's so hard. Especially when baby steps happen. Because then your mind flips and thinks "oh he loves me and wants me back now!" when maybe he is just having a good time being friends. It's hard not to read too much into things. I liked what you said awhile ago about how you felt like you were in high school all over again. Amen to that! Hehe.

Well that's all I got for now! Hope it helps!