Our MC told my H and I that she has a large % of clients who come to her for counseling because they got divorced and now they regret it and are coping with the loss after the fact.
So if you know you still love your XH, give it TIME. Be his friend, if you want to. Take it slow. Find that nice guy you used to know inside of him. I am not saying to rush back into anything. I am just saying I wouldn't say "never", either...
You are right BobbiJo, I have not closed the door on him forever. But he would have to get help for himself for whatever reason he had for cheating on me in the first place. I have to keep in mind that he first cheated in August 2006 with a prostitute and then again recently with the ongoing OW. So he has issues that need to be resolved. Maybe once he has worked through those issues in his life and can understand the reasons why he had the desire to cheat, then I can give him another chance. It might be many years from now or it might not ever happen. Even though I question if I moved too quickly, I still know that I did what I needed to do for myself. If Illinois had legal seperation laws then maybe things would have been different right now. Who knows?
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Hi Sara, You have nailed it exactly. He needs to get his life straightened out before anything else. Look at it this way - imagine that you didn't have your history with him, but he was just a guy you knew who was recently divorced as a result of his A's. Would you want to have anything to do with that guy? I don't think so!
But suppose that same guy took several months to really look at his life, seriously deal with his own problems, and become a happy and strong person on his own. Then, who knows, that guy... might even resemble the guy you loved and married in the first place? I agree, never say "Never" - but certainly do say "Not so fast, buster!"
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
It's so funny how so many WASs seem to figure it out too late. I'm not sure you waiting would have slowed anything down, I think the D being final was the kick in the a$$ he actually needed.
Glad to hear you are doing well. You sound strong. Do not really let him back into your life until he deals with his issues (I know you know that).
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thanks Michelle and Rob, There is no way for me to know if moving so fast changed things or not. I think if I could have gotten him out of the house any other way but by divorce, that would have been the best choice. But there really wasn't any other way to get him out. I can't believe I am divorced and we were never seperated. That just seems so strange. I also can't believe it was exactly 7 months from him telling me that the OW's friendship means as much to him as our marriage to the day the D was final. I really feel like I moved in super speed, but as I mentioned before the story really started in August 2006 when he was with that prostitute.
I will not take H back any time soon. He has to deal with his issues. I have long believed that he was a sex addict and I think that needs to be faced. The fact that he was molested as a child and never got counseling and it obviously is still something that is haunting him needs to be worked out. I believe all of those things lead to him cheating on me in one way or another.
Besides....why would I want H when I am having fun with cutie? At least with cutie there is no drama and I can actually relax and be myself around him....
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Sara, you sound good. I am glad you know better than to even consider taking him back until he has dealt with his problems. We can't know what would have happened if we had made other decisions, but I think you would still be going through the same cycle with him if you hadn't filed.
Your H needs help. With his previous cheating I do think if it wasn't this OW, it would have been another.
I think my friendship with H was what broke him and OW#1 up. I guess I never thought about her being jealous that he was talking to me, but apparently she was. I get some kind of sick comfort out of that.
Drama free life is great isn't it??? So, where did you meet this cutie that you are hanging out with?
I will not take H back any time soon. He has to deal with his issues. I have long believed that he was a sex addict and I think that needs to be faced. The fact that he was molested as a child and never got counseling and it obviously is still something that is haunting him needs to be worked out. I believe all of those things lead to him cheating on me in one way or another.
Sara
Sara, so glad your H (guess i should say ex-H) is finally waking up (it looks like)! NoCode, on his thread the other day was mentioning that his W had a difficult childhood and my H did as well-seems to be pretty common for the WAS. Yeah, more and more I realize it's not about the LBS, it's about the WAS and they are messed-up and at least a little crazy I think seriously.
I think that is great he is realizing some of that, but just like if an alcoholic realizes he's an addict you can't just say Great and forgive them and start trusting them right away. He really needs to work on his problems, I think you are right about them, if you don't deal with them then it comes out in those kind of ways. Is he going to do IC for a while? If he does that for a while and really works on himself then you can always decide later if you want to give him a chance or not. But I agree with lodo and Rob and others, he has to work for you and regain your trust and everything. I think you should keep on living your life, spending time with cutie, and enjoying yourself and worry about that down the road if you want to then. Karen
I hate the OW. I just hate her. How can she have so much control and power over My xH? Why does he listen to her? I called him to see if the Allstate guy got ahold of him. Because they have been calling for him. He says in that robot voice again that he would rather I don't call him anymore because he is back together with the OW. We can't be friends because the OW doesn't want us to be. What ever happened to him ending it with her because she is bad news? What about all of that? What about how she physically abuses him?
I liked where things were between XH and I. We were friends. This is what I wanted. Now even that is taken from me. I don't know why I am so upset and crying over this. But I am. I guess it was because for the first time in this mess I was finally in control and I feel like once again SHE has made the choices for me. She says XH and I can't be friends and so that is that. We can't be friends. I hate her. I have never hated anyone in my life. But I sure hate her.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
I'm still watching your post Sara, I thought things were getting better for you, I know you are a strong person, working to at least be friends with your X-H. I don't think I could ever do that, time will tell - I'm to stubborn I doubt it.
Your X-H isn't strong like you, and you are right, you don't have any control over what he does.
I'm sorry Sara, the pain never seems to end. We both have been at this for almost the same amount of time, I found out about OM 12/22 and you found out about OW 12/24 - Christmas wasn't like it should have been this year for both of us.
I'm looking forward to moving on with my life, I know how hard you tried and I did the same, but I feel something inside, I cannot explain, something like life will be so much better, that I'll find my true love a love that will last the rest of my life. I'm excited and I really cannot wait. I know I have to becasue I have so much work to do, thats what I'm working on right now, my schedule through October, I have a number of projects to complete around the house, for my neighbor (elderly lady that cannot do things for herself), We use to have a Octoberfest party at my house this will be the 5th year and I'm still going to throw the party, friends, family, people from work and no W this year.
I still think about W everyday and I hope that ends sometime. I still think of you everyday and how you are doing and I hope that never ends, you are such a good person, God must have better plans for you.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
