Mulesqb - Still alive and Kickin'

[mulesqb]

Journal - She has been very emotional the last few days and continues to cycle. She has had a few talks with me about her feelings. She really focuses on her issues with the kids. She said she is trying but she can only do so much and then needs her space. She then accuses me of doing too much with them and not being strict enough with them. She has accused me of trying to make her look bad.

She told me that she is going to go to my parents 50th anniversary party for me. She said she does not feel comfortable going and being around my family but will do it for me.

She also said that she appreciates me going to Lake George. She said she knows that I don't want to go but is appreciative that I will do it for her.

She has cried a lot. Every time she cries I have been hugging her. I think that has been positive - she even hugged me back once. First time she has touched me in months.

I have also told her that I love her a few times. I don't know - I just feel like she wanted to hear it. One time I thought she was going to say it back to me but fought herself. She is very conscious of saying something that might lead me on. The reason I have said it is because she talks about not feeling connected at home with us and feeling left out. Anytime I bring up the that the boys are suffering she gets very upset. She said it hurts her because it is her fault. She keeps trying to say they are fine I don't want to argue with her, but they are not fine.

She made plans with the neighbors all weekend. I told her I was not happy with that and will not do it again. I told her if she wants to have them as friends that's fine, but please stop forcing the friendship on me and the boys. I had to pick S14 up from my brother's house on Sunday. When I came home the neighbor's nephew was in my house with my S7. There was a BB Gun on the floor. S7 told me that they were outside killing birds and shooting at rabbits. I was very upset. I confronted my W. She said I wasn't it to it - so that doesn't mean our boys shouldn't experience it. I told her that having a 7 year old running around unsupervised with a BB gun is not very responsible and I am very upset that i wasn't consulted. I told her that he is too young for any of that. She didn't agree with me and dropped it.

She told me that she is very afraid that I am going to "pull the chain" out from under her feet. I didn't know what the hell that meant. She seemed to indicate that she thought I was getting ready to leave her and try to take the kids. That's one of the times that I told her that I loved her and had no intention of doing anything but trying to save my marriage and my family. I told her that I have no agenda like that whatsoever and reiterated my vows to her and asked to really try and remember who I am and that would explain everything.

She has been getting close to the neighbor again. She asked me to try and understand. She said there are no romantic feelings there on her part whatsoever. I am having a hard time with that.

I agree with Bill that mine is not a traditional DB case, so I struggle heavily at times with what to do.