problems.....don't amount to a hill of beans......

[faithisbelieving]

Rick: Why did you have to come to Casablanca? There are other places.
Ilsa: I wouldn't have come if I'd known that you were here. Believe me Rick, it's true I didn't know...
Rick: It's funny about your voice, how it hasn't changed. I can still hear it. "Richard, dear, I'll go with you anyplace. We'll get on a train together and never stop - "
Ilsa: Don't, Rick! I can understand how you feel.
Rick: [scoffs] You understand how I feel. How long was it we had, honey?
Ilsa: [on the verge of tears] I didn't count the days.
Rick: Well, I did. Every one of 'em. Mostly I remember the last one. The wild finish. A guy standing on a station platform in the rain with a comical look in his face because his insides have been kicked out.

Many of you know that I am a movie fan. I love old black and white films...especially Casablanca. Anyone who has seen this film appreciates the above scene...and the similarities between here and that film.

Will wrap things up.
FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Back to the PDF:

When a man realizes that his wife wants to end the relationship, a window of opportunity exists in which to develop the type of relationship that the woman claims to want. But that opportunity doesn't last forever; it lasts only as long as the husband is scared, hurting and confused. So, the real task for the man in this situation is to find out if his wife wants a deeper relationship, or, if she wants a new relationship. From my research, it's the latter.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

After the bomb, I lost interest in working outdoors and my house's'beauty waned...paralelling my marriage. Since cancelling my landscaper, I've worked outside every weekend. It's'starting to come alivw again! Tonite, I type this on my Blackberry...in front of a roaring fire in the chimnea...tiki torches lit...and for a moment...I am at peace with myself. I will miss my home whether it is sold, foreclosed on, or, more likely, am ordered out.

No glamgirl...I am not a poor communicator...nor do I have to work on myself anymore than anyone else here. I recommend that you go back to DR and look up 'last resort technique'. It DOES sound like you are still victimizing yourself and taking the blame. You should look into that.
FIB

[sgctxok]

Sounds pretty.



Don't base ANYTHING on that PDF.

Only your life and experience and YOUR HEART, which we all trust, because you are the best.


be careful with those hands!

[Jeff223]

It DOES sound like you are still victimizing yourself and taking the blame.

That is the value of the pdf FIB is reading. Too often when we get here we tend to shoulder 100% of the blame and refuse to see our spouses as less than perfect.

What we need is to see them for what they are. And that is not easy b/c once we see their "faults" we tend to tear ourselves down even more - how was I so foolish to have married in the first place.

Over time we move to see that it was a 50-50 thing. It is not all about us nor is it all about them.

That is what the pdf is doing - moving FIB off the 100-0 (all his fault) to the 50-50 point.

No, the pdf does not apply to all but it does mirror what FIB is going through - so if it helps move FIB to 50-50 that is okay.

The trick is to settle at 50-50 so we don't forget what we learned. It is way too easy to conclude it was 'all about her' and forget what we learned about ourselves on this journey.

No one wants to land here again in the future. Plus what we learn in DB makes so much sense in other areas of our lives.

[faithisbelieving]

Thank you Jeff.

Not much here today. My W went up to CT to help her sister. She left me a note on how to get the kids ready for camp and signed it 'L', XXX. Then...crossed out the 'L' and put a smiley face. FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Nearly finishing up the PDF. It is over 200 pages (so, sg, you can see that I didn't put the whole thing and that the quotes are brief). Pretty soon, I can wrap this up.

Some painful thoughts and comments from the PDF:

...having extramarital sex doesn't mean that you don't love your spouse. Pretending that it does is just another lie intended to keep married couples from cheating.

...if you split up, your family won't be lost. Your children will always be your children. Don't minimize your role in their lives and don't allow anyone else to either.....you can choose to believe that what is happening to you is a tragedy, or, you can see it for what it is--an opportunity to grow and experience something much grander. And that's not just some happy horse$hiL I'm feeding you in order to make you feel better. It's the truth.

She then goes on to say that if you ask someone who's been cheated on, in retrospect if they are glad that they've been cheated on and left for another man/woman, most will respond, "it's the best thing that ever happened to me".[/quote]

The worst thing that you are dealing with is the fact/possibility that your W's vagina has come into contact with another man's penis

She basically goes on to say that the person who committed the infidelity has tremendous guilt and that they withdraw from us..and we are a constant reminder of that guilt. The woman feels that she no longer deserves your love. Being with us makes them feel terrible about themselves. Women are instructed in our society that cheating is an unforgiveable offense. They give their infidelity tremendous meaning...otherwise they would have to consider themselves 'bad'.

Fascinating comments about guilt...again...differentiating about whether our W's have the affair with a single guy or married guy. Less quilt with the latter, more with the former. Much of the guilt, she goes on to say, is because they would choose the SINGLE AFFAIR PARTNER over us....that much of the guilt in doing this is that they must come face to face with their apparent lack of commitment.

Irony....some women are committed to obtaining their men...committed to their families..but there is an upspoken tendency of being NONCOMMITTED to their men.

Men who marry women who used giving-without receiving as a means to get the men to commit can expect to be cheated on or divorced by those women

The similarities are frightening.
FIB

[faithisbelieving]

Almost done:

More goes on that these women are inherent scorekeepers...that women don't like the imbalance....and that the erosion causes 'irrevocable damage'. When queried as to why their decision is irreversible (Jeff...still following?)..it's because they are 100% done with us by the time we find out what their needs were that were not met/how we 'screwed up'. By the time they explain why..it is like the teacher correcting the failed test. Done. Their feelings are gone. They punch out.

Many men are playing a game of "Russian roulette" in their relationships with women. They're just one mutual attraction away from being replaced

If you want to know the truth, a lot of women find that marriage doesn't offer a payoff commensurate with giving up their freedom and making a promise of fidelity

OK guys....swallow that.
FIB

[TNP]

What pdf is this? Sounds interesting.

[craig54]

FIB, sorry but that is a bunch of hogwash. that is the worlds perspective, certainly not biblical. this is why the world we live in is such a mess. this one person's perspective. it puts all kinds of thoughts in peoples heads, who already have enough to deal with.