I have realized this finally through our last arguement this past weekend. When my H hurts my feelings and I verbally get mad at him, it sends him into a defensive attack mode back at me and vice versa. There begins the blame game.
I really need to figure out a way to stop this from happening again. I am starting to discover patterns to the fights. Its usualy when we are drinking, and if not its because he does something that is just wrong that hurts me (like flirting). Then when I get mad - our whole arguement turns into all of our past hurts being brought up again.
It is such an immature way to handle things and it will never get either of us anywhere but Divorced. I have listened to the KLA CD's and it talks about this very thing (agrueing in circles - blame game). It is so destructive and I dont know how to stop it.
I know that I need to do something different. I know that when my H hurts my feelings I need to tell him in a nicer way with out blowing up. And I know that if my H starts bringing up our past years issues(that we are trying to forgive each other for)- that I should not do the same. I need to listen and move the conversation in a different direction.
The entire works of DBing are like finally coming clearer to me. At first I was so clueless even after reading the books several times and setting many goals - I was so off base. I am finally realizing that its not just me, but both of us that need to change the way we react to each other - however I need to be the one to initiate this change.
It is very daunting to me (especially as a female) to feel like I may have to shut my trap when all I want to do is tell him I am hurt and have him console me - chase me type thing. I love to get my feelings off my chest, especially when they feel walked on, but there are more constuctive ways of doing so and I desperately need to learn them and start applying them.
I did o.k. tonight. My H plays in a band at a local bar on mondays. After his show, I was outside talking with one of the female bar tenders I have known since H.S., My H came up to us when he was done playing and says a great big hello to her with his arm around her shoulder and kissing her on her cheek. Then he says to me, this is my girlfriend when your not around, she's the best. The bar tender says to me, "dont worry - I dont put out" becuase even she seemed a bit awkward by his actions. I just smiled. It kills inside me every time he does this type of crap. And tonight I think he was even testing me due to our last arguement. I think I passed, but it still doesnt make me feel a whole lot better.
Thank you again for this advice, I hope I am on the right track! TIPPER
