Stop thinking about what it supposed to be, Remember how it was when you first started dating? You didn't think! You enjoyed the moments, enjoyed the ride it took you on you didn't think about it
Enjoy the moments not the whole time, live in the minutes you are with your husband & don't think past that minute unless it's to the next one!
WAW 32 ME 38 D11, S9 & D2 Together 10/96 Married 4/2000 Bomb 4/2006 PA1 9/2006 PA2 11/2006 I now know I want out, With my Kids!!!
H and I attended our first MC session today. Overall, it went pretty well. The counselor seemed to be very patient and non-judgmental. I thought it was rather refreshing to hear her say that, even though she fully believes in repairing the marriage, her main goal was to see that she helps us resolve the situation in a manner that satisfied both of us - whether that meant we decide to save the marriage or at least find some peace and closure with ending the marriage. I know that some people may say that we should find a counselor who is adamant about saving the marriage and allowing us no other options, but I think that her approach works for us because H and I are both very skittish right now about our life together.
After talking with the counselor, we both realize that our problems go much deeper than me being dissatisfied with him being a workaholic and the resulting OM/affair. It was difficult re-hashing all the things that we had thought we were finished discussing, and I know that it will get harder as we progress.
On a side note, I thought it was rather amusing that, after discussing how H's work has interfered with our M for all these years, H had to tell the counselor that he didn't know when he could meet with her/us again because he is going out of town for work for the next 1 - 3 weeks. At least we were able to laugh about it this time...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Two things that were helpful...a mediator who is a Christian and was willing to explore if D was the best option for everyone involved and the Retrovaille program. Glad to hear MC went well. Drop by my thread when you have a moment...http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1543102&page=0&fpart=1 Peace.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
H and I attended our first MC session today. Overall, it went pretty well.
I happy to hear you feel that way!!
Originally Posted By: lost3031
I know that some people may say that we should find a counselor who is adamant about saving the marriage and allowing us no other options, but I think that her approach works for us because H and I are both very skittish right now about our life together.
You & he need to be comfortable with whomever you are seeing.
Originally Posted By: lost3031
After talking with the counselor, we both realize that our problems go much deeper than me being dissatisfied with him being a workaholic and the resulting OM/affair. It was difficult re-hashing all the things that we had thought we were finished discussing, and I know that it will get harder as we progress.
More than likely it will..... no one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard. You have support here when you need it.
Originally Posted By: lost3031
On a side note, I thought it was rather amusing that, after discussing how H's work has interfered with our M for all these years, H had to tell the counselor that he didn't know when he could meet with her/us again because he is going out of town for work for the next 1 - 3 weeks.
yeah.. my H couldn't come for almost a month (although he just canceled the appointments) because of his choice to prioritize his job over the counseling) Our counselor finally called him on it and he told her she just didn't get what it was like to HAVE to get thingsdone in a timely manner for his job. She just looked at him and affirmed his feelings. We did not go back.
Hope you have better luck with your H committing to it.
How are you feeling about those 'deeper issues'? Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I just started DBing on Friday. I have only been married for four months and my W told me three weeks ago, the I still love you, but...comment. After speaking with the Coach, I realized that there were several things I did to make her walk away. I never showed her the respect/love I truly had for her.
However, I told her that "I understood why this happended and want to be her friend" which is what she wanted when she told me she's not in love with me. I have not spoke to her in over a day now. How long should I give her? I am trying to be strong but this is killing me. What should I do next?
HELP!
H (Me)-29 W-32 M- 4 months T- 5 years
M-29 W-32 T-5y M-4mths No kids, just the best dog in the world.
((GPD)) Welcome. Sorry you're here. A few thoughts: 1) Relax. Rome wasn't built in a day. 2) Start a new thread for yourself in Newcomers. Post, post, and post some more. It will help. 3) GAL a little today. Don't sit in front of this site for too long. 4) Set one goal for the week that has nothing to do with W. my sitch - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1544101
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
I can't believe that one session of MC could have me thinking about so many things in a new way. One thing the counselor told me is that people get into relationships to meet needs and that we get out of relationships when our needs are no longer met. So in essence, I became a WAW because I had unmet needs. Okay, no new revelation there. However, we did discuss OM a bit during the first session and for the first time I forced myself to admit aloud (even though I already knew this) that I got involved with him because he met the needs that H wasn't. So now I have been thinking, "Do I really feel as deeply about OM as I think I do, or do I hold onto him so tightly simply because he is meeting those unmet needs that H couldn't/wouldn't?"
I had an astounding thought last night. If I could combine both men into one person, I would probably be 100% happy with that new creation. But as things are now, I can't be 100% happy with either one of them for different reasons. So now I'm thinking, if this is the case, maybe I shouldn't be with either one of them...
Maybe this counseling thing is not such a good idea... ?
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Nice to meet you. I'm a relative newcomer myself (approximately 2 weeks on the board) with a WAH.
While I don't know a lot yet, I do know that one day is nothing in DB terms. This doesn't mean that it isn't painful or significant (yesterday was the first full day on which H hadn't contacted me in about 7 years and I cried for much of the day), but if you are in this to try and save the marriage, chances are very slim that you will be able to measure results in terms of days. I am inclined to think in months or maybe, if you are very lucky, in weeks.
Other wise DBers have said not to put a timeline on things. This is something I myself am struggling with too. We have a separation that will technically end in late October, but this does not mean that the troubles will be over, or that another separation won't ensue. Is your W still at home? If she is, you might be in a better position to see quicker results. What did your coach suggest?
Is your W willing to go to counseling? Would she consider a session with a coach whether individual or joint? Is there someone else in the picture or is this not an issue?
Peaceful thoughts to you, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
To answer your questions, she is not considering any type of counseling. There may be someone on the side but she says they are just friends (BS). I apologize for the sound of dispair earlier. I was just expecting immediate results.
You can check out my thread in the Newcomers section titled: Looking for assistance.
M-29 W-32 T-5y M-4mths No kids, just the best dog in the world.
Your thread caught my attention. I just wanted to stop by and offer some support. I have read several of your posts, not all, but I felt like I was looking in the mirror. It is all to similar to the feelings I experienced when I walked away. I do think that, if you haven't already, you should seek out some advice outside of MC such as retrovaille, some of Michele's other books and tapes, or even meeting with her that will offer some real changes and will help you see your marriage as salvagable.
I felt hopeless and wanted my husband to admit that we were just to broken to fix. It wasn't until he finally did give up that I realized that our marriage was worth saving and I was devastated. I wish I had found this site when he still wanted to work it out. It changed my whole outlook on him and our marriage. Best of luck.
Last edited by HOPEFULinCALI; 08/05/0809:35 PM.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
