OK giving the answers--but just one thing on the MC and IC first. H actually asked me to set up the IC sessions without even a mention from me about the idea(he felt he really needed them), and has said he wants to do joint sessions too. The only thing that is pressuring him now in regards to counseling is me trying to set up the Boulder session--but I really really want to do this!!!
OK so my own part in the marriage crisis I feel is huge, and really the reason for the whole crisis. I did not give H enough space at all. He would go out late and I would text him multiple times. He wanted to do something, and I would suggest another activity. I always want to be active, so I wore him out with things I wanted us to do, without really noticing that they were often things he didn't like to do. I pressured him about where I want to live when we go back to the US, even though I knew he didn't want to live where I did, I somehow still thought it could make him happy. I always thought I was doing the right things to make him happy, e.g. cooking very elaborate meals, planning elaborate trips, sending nice emails and texts, bringing home little presents, when in reality these were not the things that made him happy.
I like the fact that I am able to plan and organize things so well, and usually my friends appreciate this quality during trip planning, BUT I don't like the fact that I am not good at giving up some form of control and letting others have input. This is something I really need to work on. I don't need to plan and orchestrate every single event...
In my mind there is always a start and end date/time for everything, and this is how I was about things like H going out, about things like making a decision about trips etc. This sort of goes back to my first point, but I probably need to work on dealing with ambiguity a bit better (sounds like something from the corporate world). I don't like the fact that I can't just have a day without plans, and I can't bear "I'll call you" from someone--would rather hear "I will call you at 130 PM to make specific plans".
What I had let go/given up was working out. I used to be really fit, and exercise all of the time. This slid when we moved to Dublin, for various reasons. In fact I think that both H and I got a bit depressed here. I am already working on this though, and have worked out at least an hour per day nearly every day since the separation started. In fact as I mentioned before I'm somehow back into my size 2 wedding year clothes!
I'd also given up having female friends here. I'd blamed this on Dublin, but now I realize that I wasn't trying at all. This past week I've realized how truly wonderful and supportive my coworkers all are, and it's too bad that I didn't realize I had this support network before. This is something I never want to be without again, and I will always make the effort to cultivate friendships--regardless of what happens with M.
Hope this answers your questions and thanks as always for the great support and knocking some sense into me!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
