WOW!!! That was like the 2x4 I needed to hear from someone else that has gone through what I am facing. Dont let this go to your head or anything, but I am so happy you write what you really feel with out sugar-coating things.
In this past year, I have read all sorts of ROMANTIC stories of marriages that have been reconciled. I need to hear more of the FACTS - is how I feel. You certainly gave me a few to think about.
I (amazingly) did get a nice apology from my H this last spring. I should be more happy about that, since many piecers I see dont really ever get one at all.
I am trying really hard to be patient, and so far I have done good in my actions (its my thoughts and fears that make me think I am stupid for taking another stab at this). I think I understand that you are saying it is o.k. to have these fears since he did hurt me so much in our past.
I can relate to so much of what you said. Like the hurricane and rainstrom analogy : its perfect for describing where my H is at also. He is still in his crisis, I can tell in so many ways. I just dont always know how to react to his moods, but I think I am learning how to weather this storm. Unfortunately it means to let so many of my thoughts/feelings to just wash away. I know that he doesnt always mean what he says(when he is in a mood), so I try not to react to it.
What you said about needing "tact" when wanting to speak my mind, is so exactley it. I have a tendency to be a doormat, and I put up with things I dont always agree with just becuase I was raised that way. I am a people pleaser - never wanting to make ripples, ya know? It certainly will be a challenge to learn how to speak my mind effectively enough without pushing him away.
I need to work on my self esteem. I guess this is my big fear is that I will end up resenting him if I dont start to voice my opinions. I just havent figured out how to tell him yet, that I think its not fair and rediculous that he hates everyone from our old life together (all of our friends have been close to us since H.S., and my family) - he avoids all of them. It makes me so torn. I go do things with our past friends alone - a lot, just so that I feel like I am not compromising my life for his desires. But it is no where near as fun as it used to be. And due to his MLC, there is a lot of drama when I do hang out.
What did you mean by "birds" helping you to not go crazy? or is that just an analogy since they fly - (letting go)? I definetly felt like I let him go. He even said so himself when he came back to me that he actually felt like he was the LBS in the long run. He also thanked me for my unconditional love and for giving him the time and space he needed. However, I have heard this all before when He first came back to me after the first bomb. Hense, my fears.
I have so many fears when I give him space that he will go out and find another OW. I have fears that he will never want to live with me again, as he has giving me no such hope. He is talking about moving to a new apartment alone, and buying a camp alone as soon as he gets enough money. I never say anything like " well what about us living together or when". I just listen and validate. But it hurts to think that he doesnt want to create a future with me, and thats how it feels right now. He is still in ME-MODE.
I am so glad to hear that you did say that you do trust your wife again in so many ways. Right now, I obviously dont trust that my H wont do this again. It will take time & some proof before I feel like he is commited to me. Especially because he was just saying to a buddy the other day, that he "really wants a boat cuz thats a sure fire way to get some a$$".
Its like I just feel like I am never enough for my H, like he is always seeking more, and desiring what he doesent have. Because of this, it will take a long time for me to really trust him again. I do really want to trust him, and I am willing to wait, and now I see clearer that I need to speak up more.
Thank you so much Jack! I hope you dont mind me picking your brain. I just feel so all alone sometimes. TIPPER
What did you mean by "birds" helping you to not go crazy? or is that just an analogy since they fly - (letting go)? I definetly felt like I let him go. He even said so himself when he came back to me that he actually felt like he was the LBS in the long run. He also thanked me for my unconditional love and for giving him the time and space he needed. However, I have heard this all before when He first came back to me after the first bomb. Hense, my fears.
I have so many fears when I give him space that he will go out and find another OW. I have fears that he will never want to live with me again, as he has giving me no such hope. He is talking about moving to a new apartment alone, and buying a camp alone as soon as he gets enough money. I never say anything like " well what about us living together or when". I just listen and validate. But it hurts to think that he doesnt want to create a future with me, and thats how it feels right now. He is still in ME-MODE.
Birds...
Let me be absolutely honest when I say that I didn't want my wife back. I didn't expect her to live up to her promise and within my boundaries, I trusted her to fail.
I was actually quite upset with her for several months for proving me wrong.
Your fear, I don't know but to me, I'm not sure that you really let him go. I am not afraid of her leaving even as I write this. Not because I don't think she would. (I don't) but because I know it woul dnot be the end of me. The end of 'us', yes. But I am NOT doing this again.
People pleaser, yes I am too. So I get that, but please yourself.
If you are afraid he is going to leave, then you have a leash around your neck and the other end is in his hands. Don't be afraid, Tipper. Him coming back, shouldn't be at cost to yourself, he should be working on your marriage with you, it SHOULD be conditional.
I am glad he is back, you should be too, but not without conditions or boundaries. You shouldn't be bowing and scraping in front of his triumphant return, thankfully grovelling in front of him.
You know?
You shouldn't be afraid to lose him, or you will lose yourself.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 08/04/0805:10 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ok, wow I almost screwed up everything I have worked so hard for this last weekend. My h and I went out drinking together on Sat. night and it started off fine. But I am seeing clearer now that it is where alot of our problems get started. I often get emotions off my chest easier when I have been drinking, and that is exactely what happened.
We were talking about an uncomfortable topic and he all of a sudden snapped and acted like it was my fault we talked about it out in public. It hurt, that he just disrespected my thoughts and opinions. So we stopped the conversation all together & I apologized that we talked about it in public. Then a bunch of his new friends came in and he was just soooo nice to them all, it made me sick that he could be so mean to me but so nice to all these others that dont know the true him. I got jealous, and I said that I wish that I could light up his life like all these new friends of his. Then world war III started.
I ended up leaving, and he followed me back to his apartment where I parked my jeep. He told me to come up. We fought the entire night. All of our past issues came up again. Him leaving, me getting more money out of the sep. agreement, me getting the dog, him hating my brother, the stripper, ect.....
I cried and tried to let him know that sometimes I need to be able to let him know how I feel with out him always trying to leave me. He was telling me he didnt like how unhealthy our Rel. is and that he is ready to wipe his hands clean of it. He kept saying that I didnt love him or support him, and that I am just fooling myself by saying I want to be with him. He thinks that I just dont want to be alone. He said many very mean things as I cryed and begged him not to give up on us.
I stayed there that night, and dreamt that we would work things out for the better. When I woke up, he was willing to talk and I started with an apology for always letting my emotions get the best of me on nights that I have had too much to drink. I told him, I understood why he didnt want to continue the conv. that night before since it was unappropriate for the bar. I told him that I think I am just jealous of his new friends and the way he is building futures with them - but not much with me. I told him that I think that I should go back to counseling to get help with my hurt and pain so that I dont take it out in the wrong ways.
He listened and said to me "now your making me feel bad". I said I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am trying to tell you I understand that I was irrational last night & I am sorry.
Then he said he is willing to work on things still. THANK THE LORD!!! He said he doesnt want to give up, but it is all just so hard. I went home to give us each some time alone. He called about two hours later and said he would like to come over that night around 5. I said great & I will have dinner ready. He came over and we had a great dinner, watched movies, and ML. Things really seem o.k. now but I know there is just so much underlying tension.
I learned a lot from this experience: -I need to control my emotions when I drink. -I need to stop blaming my H for this past year, it makes him resent me. -I need to go back to C. -I need to stop labeling my H (alcoholic, MLC, Depressed, ect..) -I need to stop thinking of all of this as a MLC - He explained to me that he left because he really didnt think He wanted to ever be with me again since He thought that I didnt love him when I didnt buy the houses he wanted to buy (he bought them w/out me) -My H is changed and still changing into a new person. The old H will never be back. Nor will the type of life that we had together ever be the same. We used to do everything with a large group of both of our friends - this will not happen anymore unless if we make a new group of friends together. -I need to be so much more patient, even when I allready feel like that is my greatest virtue. Our M will not be fixed quickly like some, this will take a long time if we even get through it. -H thinks I think so poorly of him, so I need to start showing him my appreciation in words better. I do it in actions fairly well - but every bad word I ever have said remains in his head for amunition against me later. -H hates my family and I should just give up any hope of him ever wanting to do things with them ever again because he doesnt want to be around my brother.
Some how, I am seeing things differently today. I feel like for a year or more I have just seen this as all my H's fault and a MLC. However, I think it is much more than just that. It has a lot to do with him not feeling like I supported him the way a wife should. I feel like this is all been my fault now, even though I know I had my reasons at the time to not buy those houses with him. I think he realizes now that monetary things are not any reason to throw away a marriage.
Unfortunately my H has gone bankrupt and is really unhappy with his career and this will take a long time before he feels better about himself. I think that we will continue to struggle through this until he does start feeling better. Also, I need to make some changes in terms of how I talk to him and how I express my emotions. Man this is not gonna be easy. TIPPER
I hear you, about not truely letting him go. I did in my actions and to his face, but never in my heart. I tried, but I dont really think my heart ever did in the long run.
I guess now, that I need to find a way to forgive him better than what I have. He is still willing to work on us right now and I need to take the neccessary steps as to not push him away again. I think that if we keep having stupid arguements about my hurt and pain - it will soon be over. I need to not bring certain topics up any more (at least not to him) and find other ways of dealing with that pain - because he is certainly not going to try and ease it - instead he feels blamed and gets defensive.
How do I forgive, I thought I was. But then I realize when my emotions get going that I still take it out on him. TIPPER
