Sues, Living by yourself is really tough at first, but I promise it gets easier. Decorate your apartment for you and DD. Make it a chick place! Sending lots of love and hugs your way!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
It's such a comfort to come on and see that you've all posted and have checked on me.
The day was tough, of course. H called last night about 9:30. He was upset because he'd forgotten his license & the receipt for his reinstatement in my van. He gave me the....nevermind....this isn't your problem anymore deal. He told me that it didn't matter where he was staying. Turns out he stayed at a motel not far from work.
I talked to H today about 4 times. He wanted to meet to pick up his license. He said a few things when we met. He talked to me about how he hoped I was happy because I'd let go of a good thing. I told him that I wasn't happy and that this wasn't a great time for me. We're here and we're separated. How happy can that really be? He said that he didn't remember me asking to work on our M. He remembered me asking about Retro. I know some of you may wonder why I asked, but I said....so, is this done, are you completely done with me? He said pretty much, I mean, don't you think it's kind of late? I told him that with some work, it's never too late. D4 and I will see him on Sunday. I don't know if I'm reacting from the stress of this week/weekend or what. Only time will tell I guess.
I need to go get some sleep. Take care everyone.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Spew. Your H is feeling sorry for himself and he's trying to make you feel bad. YOU gave up a good thing? If it wasn't so sad, it'd be hilarious. He steadfastly refuses to see his part in this and accept any blame. Please let his words and opinions bounce off of you. Don't allow him to poison your life with them anymore.
It's gonna take time to adjust to being separated. Give yourself that time, but if talking to him makes it harder, limit your contact. Have you set up a visitation schedule? Have you seen a lawyer to make sure he's going to support D4? If you allow him to keep calling the shots and jerk you around now, you could end up with a sitch where he comes and goes as he pleases.. shows up at your new place... guilts you into letting him stay when he wants and then disappears again. Please don't allow him to set up a cycle like this now. I'm mentioning this because I allowed J to do this. I felt bad about being separated and he would come hang out when he wanted. It was worse than him living with us.. very very hard to set boundaries once it got going. Drop the rope sweetie... cut ties except where D4 is involved.
Huggggggs.. you can do it Sue. He still has a long way to go before it'd be safe to consider working on a M with him. Don't doubt that you've done the best thing for YOU and D4.. you have.
If you allow him to keep calling the shots and jerk you around now, you could end up with a sitch where he comes and goes as he pleases.. shows up at your new place... guilts you into letting him stay when he wants and then disappears again.
Oh my, how scary. This has become my world. Don't let it happen to you. Its harder to 'undo', I can soooo promise you that. Ask him to figure out what days he wants to see D4, and make a schedule. Did you see an atty about temporary custody agreement yet? That way you could get the daycare payment in writing.
If you allow him to keep calling the shots and jerk you around now, you could end up with a sitch where he comes and goes as he pleases.. shows up at your new place... guilts you into letting him stay when he wants and then disappears again.
Oh my, how scary. This has become my world. Don't let it happen to you. Its harder to 'undo', I can soooo promise you that. Ask him to figure out what days he wants to see D4, and make a schedule. Did you see an atty about temporary custody agreement yet? That way you could get the daycare payment in writing.
((((((Sue))))))
I totally agree with this. Without an order in place H can come and go when he pleases and see D whenever he wants. He also doesn't "have" to pay any child support. At least in this state. What really scared me was I was told without an visitation order H can take D somewhere and there would be nothing I could do about it.
I am in this boat right now. Newly separated and H is coming when he feels like it. I want some sort of schedule so I can know when to expect him and get a move on with my own life.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Sues, Living by yourself is really tough at first, but I promise it gets easier. Decorate your apartment for you and DD. Make it a chick place! Sending lots of love and hugs your way!
Oh, that sounds like a great, fun idea! Lots of pink, ruffles, flowers, stuff a guy would really hate! How fun!!! Although is that your style, Sue? Maybe D4 would love that though--I know my D8 would love that!!! Karen
Well, let's see, I think I've talked to H more in the past few days than I've talked to him in a long time.
On Sat., I took my family to the zoo. They wanted to go to the Mall of America later in the day. I ducked out of that. All the fun they were having was just a bit too much for me. H called me and asked about the plans for Sunday. He wanted to know if I was still going to go finish up at storage with him and then take D4 grocery shopping. H asked me to meet him for dinner. Yeah, I did. We just talked about "generic" things. He talked about work. He asked me if I would go look at an apartment with him on Sunday. He wanted my opinion? He had told me a while back that the plans to live with a former co-worker (guy) had fallen through. He admitted that other friends had told him not to because this gentleman (older) wasn't someone they thought H would mix well with as far as living together. Now, all the times that H has talked about this guy, he's always had very nice things to say. The gentleman has been through a difficult divorce and from H's friend's perspective, has gone through a bit of a religious transition. In other words, he's come closer to God. I think that maybe it would be a good thing for H. Maybe H was scared because he doesn't think this guy will look kindly on a married man separated from his family having an A. Oh yeah, and this guy probably knows OW too, as I think they all worked together at one point. I don't know. Anyway, H and this guy have decided that their being roommates will likely happen.
On Sunday, H came over very early. My dad stayed here to help me for a few days in getting everything finished and help with D4. As soon as the rest of my family left, we went up to storage and got everything straightened out there. I went with H over to the apartment he wanted to look at. They told him that they could have him in this week if they get all the paperwork in and approved. The apartment is about 10-15 minutes away from D4 and I. I know I'm not supposed to be caring about OW, but this apartment is further away from her than I expected H to be. I guess where he is in relation to where she lives doesn't really matter. We took D4 shopping last night. Still couldn't get H to talk to her. It was about 10:00 last night and he said.....please just let me crash here tonight.....I'll sleep in D4's room....I have a place to stay the rest of the week and then hopefully I'll be in that apartment within the week. D4 and H were laying on her bed watching a movie. My heart couldn't push out the words NO. I knew my dad wasn't happy about it, but I also know that it's my life. H didn't use his phone at all when he was with us, but I heard it buzz several times. So, I still wasn't able to get away from that for the night.
This morning it was hard to leave. I didn't know what to say to H.
I think I feel about as bad right now as I did in the midst of trying to cope with learning about his A.
I miss the H that was so helpful and giving this weekend. The guy that actually called me Hon all weekend. He used to call me Hon or Honey all the time. It flowed pretty freely this weekend.
Oh, and he told me that he has to take some sort of chemical dependency counseling/testing. He said, it's just to prove that I don't have a problem with alcohol. I shot him a look of..WHAT? He said, what is that look for. I said, H, you know that you're very, very lucky that you've never been caught. I also asked....Do you honestly think that your drinking was never a problem or caused issues for us? He said, I didn't say that.
SueS
Last edited by SueS; 08/04/0804:15 PM.
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Sometimes when they are nicer it makes it more difficult.
You are being strong for you and your D4, I applaud you.
I can't imagine how hard it was for you for him to leave, and just because you've "moved on" doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. It will for a long time.
Chin up, you are doing wonderfully!!!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Thank you for stopping by my thread...I have been following yours for awhile, just never posted.
You are so strong and have been through this whole thing. It seems that without you to stand behind he is realizing he has nothing left.
Very sad.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
