Love is Patient

[ba065]

Yesterday was just plain weird. I did expect H to call in the morning...he was checking on whether or not we would be painting outside. He called at 8...told him it was too hot already (east side full sun...)he asked to come over to talk. When he arrived he kissed me hello...wanted to go out for breakfast...told him I didn't think so....he wanted to eat and then come back home to talk...so reluctantly I agreed. FAST FORWARD....our talk didn't go well...there were alot of accusations, back peddling, feelings being made known (by both of us)...then he complained that he was exhausted (didn't sleep all night at the Townhouse)..and he had a headache...so I figured he was leaving...but he lingered for more than an hour after the arguing....

We agreed to some boundaries. He must call before he comes over. He cannot come over if I am not there. There will be no more R talks...none...we will behave as friends...no more belittling or bashing of one another. No more bringing up past issues...they cannot be changed...we can only move forward...so absolutely no throwing the past isses in each other's faces....(this is especially important because H cannot let issues from the past go....he still complains that I didn't lose weight after the kids were born 19 years and 22 years ago....doesn't matter how I look now...just that he didn't like it 20 years ago)

After he left, I went out and did some window shopping...then came home and rearranged the family room, cleaned a couple rooms upstairs....and then H called again.....wanted to know if he could come over to wash the durango and my car and we could eat dinner together.....so being "friendly" I said sure. He came, didn't wash the cars (it looked like rain)..we ate and he left about an hour and a half later. Kissed me 3 or 4 different times and said ILY...let's just get through one day at a time.

He called at 9 just to chat for 15 minutes....he called at 10:10 to say good night, sleep well, ILY....???

He called at 6 am this morning to see how I was doing. He emailed at 10:30....

This is not at all how I thought this "trial" separation as he calls it would be. He doesn't like me to say that he walked out on me...or he deserted me...oh...and he doesn't want anyone to know yet....he wants to wait and see how things go over the next few days, or couple of weeks before we decide to tell the kids or families and friends...WTH?

I am going to be less available to him. He can't have it both ways...he needs to be a husband full time or he needs to be alone...this is what he wanted...too bad it's depressing over there and he doesn't have much to keep him occupied...too bad it's so quiet...it's quiet at our house too....too bad his cell phone gets horrible reception there....can't call MOW and have a decent conversation...too bad...

I will be his friend...I am trying to distance myself, but he doesn't seem to want me to do that. He asks what I am doing...I told him it wasn't any of his business....he suggests things that I should do in my free time...like wash the car, go shopping, go to a movie....I told him I will do what I want when I am ready...he doesn't want to report to me, so why should I have to report to him?

UGHHHHHHHH! I am so frustrated and confused!

Sorry this is so long....
BA