Seperated but living together...

[Kiki1011]

I am relatively new here and posted my first thread under newcomers a week or so ago. If you would like to read it here is the link...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1540274&page=1#Post1540274

I thought I would post under here for some advice as well. To sum it up...H asked for D 17 days ago and I am currently about 10 weeks pregnant with our first child. I thought we were completely happy so it has completely shocked me. Then I found out about OW. He went to stay the night with her (she lives an hour away) just 24 hours after he asked me for D. When he came back he asked me to get out of the house by the weekend and if I wasn't he would pack my stuff for me. Well I knew this was an empty threat and knew he couldn't kick me out of my own house so I refused. We are now seperated but still living together. We have seperate rooms and for the most part don't see much of each other.

I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with all of this. How am I supposed to act towards him? Should I be friendly? Should I ignore him? I have been trying to follow the steps in DR and have noticed some small baby steps in H. For example, he has asked me about my day the last couple of days and even offered to get me some dinner last night if I was going to be home. I just need help on knowing how to act around him right now, especially with the baby topic. (he knows about the pregnancy, we found out I was a couple weeks before he asked for D)

Thanks!
Niki

P.S. - H took off his wedding ring the same day he asked for D, Should I not wear my rings as well?

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((Kiki))))))))

I read your other thread, and I think you've been getting some good advice, from some good people!

Just to complete the picture, are you similar in age to him? Was this prognancy expected, and hoped for, or was it a surprise (especially to him)?

I think that the little positive interaction are a good thing. Don' tmake a big deal out of them, but I think they help keep you close. I think that how you act now will help him see that you are not the cause of all the world's problems.

I think I would advise to keep wearing your rings, but don't make a big deal about it. You don't want him to see it as pressuring. But, it might help you to wear them.

Make sure you are taking good care of yourself. This is going to be a hard time, as if you didn't know!

[Kiki1011]

We are only a couple years apart in age, he is older. Pregnancy wasn't necessarily planned, but wasn't an accident. We first became pregnant on our honeymoon actually, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy at the 3rd month. I have some medical issues (cancer survivor) in which the doctor said we would most likely have to try fertility treatments in order to concieve again. We decided we didn't want to pressure ouselves so early in our marriage by going through fertility treatments to try to get pregnant so we made a deal that we would not try but also not prevent and let what ever happens happen. We just thought if it was meant to happen it would happen.

So, it happend by very slim chance and now all of a sudden my H wants out and even told me he regretted ever marrying me in the first place and that he has been thinking about leaving me since right after the wedding. I just know this is not him and that makes it hurt even more. Even his friends and family say he is not himself and they don't know what he is thinking.

Thanks,
Niki

[One Day]

Hi Niki,

On the rings front, I think you should keep them off or take them off depending on how you feel about things, but not as a way of getting a reaction out of your H. I struggled with this at the beginning and would change my mind from day-to-day. Currently I'm rings on, (but off when I see H- an experiment).

Congratulations on the baby! I'm so sorry this is happening at what should be such a happy time for you and my heart goes out to you for that. I think, as far as you can, keep baby discussions brief and upbeat (however H responds). Don't initiate baby talk unless you have to. Your H sounds confused and stressed- he's obviously dealing with some stuff in his own head right now and (sadly) he probably needs to deal with that right now. Hard on you, I know. (((((hugs)))))

And in general, I'm so glad the 180s are showing some baby steps. For a couple of success stories involving pregnancy and OW try Pipeliners_Wife, and married_three_months in the archives.

L.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Niki,
I was thinking some more, I'm an analytical sort....

Any ideas of what might have set him off? Other than the coming baby, perhaps? It sounds like things changed really quickly.

[Kiki1011]

I have no idea...well he met the OW about 8 weeks ago now, I don't know if that had a huge part in it. But, he has completely change over the last 6 weeks. He has been smoking like crazy, drinking a lot more, going out with his friends a lot more, picking fights whenever he can, etc. and even got a huge tattoo Saturday when he is not supposed to get tattoos because he has a blood disorder. I don't know where this change came from.

Everytime I ask him about things he has a different excuse of why he is doing this...first it was because he didn't want to end up like his father (cheated on his mom for 7 years with his mom's SIL) so he thought he should get out now, then it was because he thinks my mom is having an affair and I'll end up like her, then it was because he's just not happy being married and wants to be alone, then it was because of the fact that he can't trust me, yadda yadda yadda.

So, I am clueless on the matter and don't really know where or when things went wrong because I thought we were happy. Before this happend he was such a loving, kind, and very attentive person.

[Kiki1011]

Just posted this on my other thread but I thought I would put it here to buecause I need all the advice I can get on this one....

I just got home from dinner at my mother's house and H was sitting on the couch. I said Hi and asked how his day was. He looked visibly distraught and just said fine. I asked if he was ok to which he replied no that he had talked to his dad today. (he works for his father and they had yet to talk about everything...his father and him also have a bad history because his father cheated on his mom for 7 years with his mom's SIL then turned around and blamed it on my H because my H was in the hospital at the time for 3 months (he was only 7yrs old) so his mom was never home) He didn't want to talk about the talk they had but he looked as if he could cry. I know how badly his dad affects him and it hurts me to see him like this.

I told him if he changed his mind and wanted to talk to just let me know, then I came in here into my bedroom and jumped on here. I know we are supposed to be seperated but I so just want to run out there and hug him and tell him I love him and I am here for him. This is killing me doing nothing! What should I do??? Please Help!

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Kiki)))))
OK, so now you know for sure that nothing is done and decided. So, don't go to begging, pleading, and all of that! He knows that you love him, and you are there for him. I don't think this is the time to tell him. Let him think about what he is doing.

Did I just hear you say that he knows you will cheat on him, because your mom had an affair, but his father having an affair doesn't enter into it? Someday, not yet, there may come a time to remind him that what your parents, or his parents did, does not control what you guys are going to do!

I think the though of having a baby scares him. That's not too much of a surprise. Take care of yourself, and see what happens as he adjusts to this reality!

[Kiki1011]

SO he is outside right now drinking a bear and talking on the phone to OW (I heard him from my bedroom window, not snooping more of an accident)....Why can he call her and talk to her but he can't talk to his own W???? I feel like crying. I hate getting this emotional. I am the one who loves him and who has always been there for him and he runs to her????? She doesn't even know the history! UGH!!!!!!!!!

[goldeylox]

Why can he call her and talk to her but he can't talk to his own W????

((((Kiki)))) He has been abducted by aliens, and needs your help to find his way home. It is very good that you are living in the same house. He will see you upbeat, happy, confident, not clingy or worried about the R, and he will wonder. Keep up the PMA, vent here. And don't forget to take care of yourself! Peace.