Anxiously awaiting long term Patience!!

[TwinDad]

JWS,

Sounds like a pretty eventful weekend. You did extremely well. I also want to say I think you have handled this whole sitch very nobely. You even turned the R talk into something she said thank you about which probably lifted some pressure off of her.

No lets look at the actions from the weekend (what did your eyes tell you), in particular the gathering you went to.

You two had a good time there, both, a lot of her actions probably seemed very familiar from a spouse standpoint...and they probably were. The good news is she was relaxed with you in that environment. Your non-pressuring and supportive actions through the last couple months have done a lot to create that environment. Now you have to figure on the way back from the gathering she probably realized she was having a good time and probably started to question herself a little bit.

What does a WAW doe when she starts to questions herself, she errs on the side of safety which to her is further away from you. This is ok....it is almost expected to see this type of "pull-back" following any sort of positive interaction. She needed to take step back and give you a warning so as to protect you from getting your hopes up. Get used to these type of interactions....getting closer...pulling further away. Look for the baby steps (i.e. is she moving two steps closer and only one back?). This is what you want

The other thing that stepped out in your posts was her comment about her ideas never being good ideas. I have struggled with those same statements for years. My W had always felt that way even though that was never my intention. Also because of which I was considered controlling which again was not my intention.

In your career you have to process an incredible amount of information, come to decision, and execute in a very short time period. I imagine you can also explain why you made the decision you made rather quickly. In my career I got in the habit of coming to a decision and then providing the reasons for why I was deciding this way. I also applied this to my home life (it was what was familiar) It was never my intention to keep my W out of the decision making process, I felt I was just giving my thoughts and the reasons behind them hoping she would do the same and we could discuss. My W would take this as me saying I had made my mind up and she couldn't argue with any of my points......led to quite a bit of resentment.

If this sounds even remotely familiar (which from your W's expressions might be the case) then find a different way to discuss things that require an opinion. I would suggest asking her what her opinion is first and then tell her what you like about her idea (and truly try to see it....ask questions). Then add in a little bit of your perspective or concerns (even if you have to downplay it a little bit). I tried something like this and even would through in stuff like "I am not disagreeing with your opinion". It has really worked wonders in our conflict resolution and discussions like that. Let her run the show a little bit or at least take the lead. Whether you feel she is justified to feel that way or not...the fact remains she does and I am sure you don't want her to feel that way.

I think you are doing an outstanding job......look at how your sitch has progressed in the last couple of months.......very tense get togethers to more natural ones with more planned in the future......very nice baby steps