Ok, wow I almost screwed up everything I have worked so hard for this last weekend. My h and I went out drinking together on Sat. night and it started off fine. But I am seeing clearer now that it is where alot of our problems get started. I often get emotions off my chest easier when I have been drinking, and that is exactely what happened.
We were talking about an uncomfortable topic and he all of a sudden snapped and acted like it was my fault we talked about it out in public. It hurt, that he just disrespected my thoughts and opinions. So we stopped the conversation all together & I apologized that we talked about it in public. Then a bunch of his new friends came in and he was just soooo nice to them all, it made me sick that he could be so mean to me but so nice to all these others that dont know the true him. I got jealous, and I said that I wish that I could light up his life like all these new friends of his. Then world war III started.
I ended up leaving, and he followed me back to his apartment where I parked my jeep. He told me to come up. We fought the entire night. All of our past issues came up again. Him leaving, me getting more money out of the sep. agreement, me getting the dog, him hating my brother, the stripper, ect.....
I cried and tried to let him know that sometimes I need to be able to let him know how I feel with out him always trying to leave me. He was telling me he didnt like how unhealthy our Rel. is and that he is ready to wipe his hands clean of it. He kept saying that I didnt love him or support him, and that I am just fooling myself by saying I want to be with him. He thinks that I just dont want to be alone. He said many very mean things as I cryed and begged him not to give up on us.
I stayed there that night, and dreamt that we would work things out for the better. When I woke up, he was willing to talk and I started with an apology for always letting my emotions get the best of me on nights that I have had too much to drink. I told him, I understood why he didnt want to continue the conv. that night before since it was unappropriate for the bar. I told him that I think I am just jealous of his new friends and the way he is building futures with them - but not much with me. I told him that I think that I should go back to counseling to get help with my hurt and pain so that I dont take it out in the wrong ways.
He listened and said to me "now your making me feel bad". I said I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am trying to tell you I understand that I was irrational last night & I am sorry.
Then he said he is willing to work on things still. THANK THE LORD!!! He said he doesnt want to give up, but it is all just so hard. I went home to give us each some time alone. He called about two hours later and said he would like to come over that night around 5. I said great & I will have dinner ready. He came over and we had a great dinner, watched movies, and ML. Things really seem o.k. now but I know there is just so much underlying tension.
I learned a lot from this experience: -I need to control my emotions when I drink. -I need to stop blaming my H for this past year, it makes him resent me. -I need to go back to C. -I need to stop labeling my H (alcoholic, MLC, Depressed, ect..) -I need to stop thinking of all of this as a MLC - He explained to me that he left because he really didnt think He wanted to ever be with me again since He thought that I didnt love him when I didnt buy the houses he wanted to buy (he bought them w/out me) -My H is changed and still changing into a new person. The old H will never be back. Nor will the type of life that we had together ever be the same. We used to do everything with a large group of both of our friends - this will not happen anymore unless if we make a new group of friends together. -I need to be so much more patient, even when I allready feel like that is my greatest virtue. Our M will not be fixed quickly like some, this will take a long time if we even get through it. -H thinks I think so poorly of him, so I need to start showing him my appreciation in words better. I do it in actions fairly well - but every bad word I ever have said remains in his head for amunition against me later. -H hates my family and I should just give up any hope of him ever wanting to do things with them ever again because he doesnt want to be around my brother.
Some how, I am seeing things differently today. I feel like for a year or more I have just seen this as all my H's fault and a MLC. However, I think it is much more than just that. It has a lot to do with him not feeling like I supported him the way a wife should. I feel like this is all been my fault now, even though I know I had my reasons at the time to not buy those houses with him. I think he realizes now that monetary things are not any reason to throw away a marriage.
Unfortunately my H has gone bankrupt and is really unhappy with his career and this will take a long time before he feels better about himself. I think that we will continue to struggle through this until he does start feeling better. Also, I need to make some changes in terms of how I talk to him and how I express my emotions. Man this is not gonna be easy. TIPPER
