Thanks for your support, lis. You should always keep the hope. It is never too late to rebuild a family.
Woke up in a good mood. Had a small, stupid fight with H. Put me "down" right away. Everything is still magnified around here. Difference this time is that I know we will talk about it later and we will "dialogue" which is always a positive thing. OM still pops in head, try to get busy when that happens. Memories are hard. Need to make new ones. I think I will see if H wants to go to Farmer's Market with me tomorrow morning.
Whatdidido, I agree with the others that it is so good to read the good things that are happening in your M now. You have came a really long way since you first came here. It is so nice to read a success story. I desperately wanted my H to go to Retro and he wasn't interested. I couldn't force him to go. He ended up getting back with the OW. I just think that if he had went with me then things would have been so different now. Luckily both you and your H are open enough to make changes and do what is needed to keep your familar together.
Wishing you much more happiness and new memories. You will have difficult times (like more stupid fights) but in the end it will be worth having your M together.
All the bst of luck! Sara S.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Yes, Sara, if only more would have chosen retro FIRST before making other decisions, so many relationships would be different. Keeping a marriage is hard work, giving up would have been very easy...for both of us, really. And, in the short term we both would have been happier than we were at the time. I agree with you: In the end, it will be worth it. I can't wait! And here's the kicker....if it isn't, I still wouldn't change a thing I am doing right now.
Hey Sweetie, haven't had a computer in a few days and it's nearly drove me nuts! How are you doing now? I was catching up on the stitch and had a question. When you were at Retrovaille, or in any of the sessions, do they tell you what to do when you have thoughts of the OM? Did they suggest being open about that when you are having your talks with your H? Or, is that just something that is suppose to gradually be overcome by us....the wife? I know it is not something that will magically disappear and will be a struggle, but I do believ it will finally fade. I was just curious if they had any advise about it.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi- Basically, they explain that Love is a choice. YOu can choose to love your H or to love the OM. THese memories and thinking I have is something that I have to choose not to dwell on. That is what I am trying to do. In Retro they don't discuss the OM, other than the fact that many couples had affairs and now went back to their marriages. I, like you, believe that the OM thoughts will finally fade. The more my H enters my heart, the more the OM will be pushed out. I don't think the OM memories will be gone completely ever because I will always have guilt about it. My priest said that is good because it is God reminding me what is wrong and right. Selfishly, I wish those thoughts would go away totally and completely but I know that because of the choice I made there are consequences and memories are one of them.
I think I know exactly what you are saying. Also, I went through a time that by talking so much about the OM on the board here, made me think back to the things I did not need to be thinking about! However, I finally got past all of that....thank God! Also, I am not fantasizing about him, now. So, that is a huge relief. It has been a very slow fade. I was surprised b/c I expected it to be faster, but as one wise lady told me, I was still a WAW in my heart and wanted to be with the OM. I had to face that truth and I didn't want to.
The part about the guilt......I understand. Only in my case, I only felt guilty about my kids and mother........my husband, I resented. Long story. But, over a period of time and especially last week.......it hit me hard........the remorse. And, as I told some others (and maybe I've already told you, if so, I apologize) but I needed to feel that remorse! I really needed to feel that, in order to heal. Guilt is one thing, but to feel "sorrowful" is another. Yes, I feel guilty, as I should feel it. There is no way around it. I don't know if men will ever understand completely.........even though there are some that try real hard to see our side of it. I may be wrong.....very wrong in what I'm about to say, but I got this from a preacher teaching about sex, marriage and affairs. He said that for a woman.......her "soul" is involved when she is "giving herself" to a man. A man can have sex with more than one woman at a time.......or several women over a period of time and it won't affect him in the same manner b/c his is not a "soulish" act. His is more physical pleasure. Everytime a woman has sex with a different man, it is like giving part of her soul to him, or it breaks down part of the make-up of her soul. (If that makes sense.) So, that is why, after so many partners, a woman is truly in "limbo" b/c she no longer can feel true love for any man. She has destroyed those brain cells or the soul structure......however you want to explain it. I can't do it like he did, but it made sense at the time he taught it. He said that was the way God made women different from men when it came to making love. She made love with her soul. So, I think we can even see this happening in our society today as far as a lot of break-down in the soulish part of the women in their R with different men.
Oh, hate to end here, but my H just came in with ice cream with hot fudge topped with peanuts! Have to go! (lol)
Talk to you later. Take care. Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are a breath of fresh air around here. Wishing you the very best. Looks like you are moving in the right direction. You are so lucky and so is you H and son.
Love takes work, a lot of hard work and commitment.
Good luck, keeping you in my prayers
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
Sandi- I totally understand the breakdown of the soul.....I wish I didn't.
Jeff- Thanks for keeping an eye on me, Jeff. I've been busy and haven't checked in on my friends as much as I should this week.
Well.........I'm sick to my stomach. I was cleaning my office and I had my old computer there and so I figured I'd try to clean it up. Anyway, long story short......I came to an old email account that I had with the OM one time when the one we used didn't work for some reason. I had forgotten about it. We had only used it one time. He had sent an email after I said goodbye for the last time, and I read it for the first time today. I shouldn't have. OM said such hurtful things: told me I was not what he thought, that I will not f**k with him anymore (referring to that I had told him I loved him, when I was separated I told him I was headed to divorce, but then chose my husband), that I took his loyalty for granted, that he hates me for what I've done........and last......this is what is killing me.........what comes around goes around.....and when it does it will be a horrible feeling for you........
More lovely parting words. He does have a way with words doesn't he? Get over it. You are lucky you are done with him, or you would have heard that garbage everytime he didn't get what he wanted in life.
Is he never married? Could this be why? There was a Sex and the City episode where I think Carrie is dating someone Charlotte used to date (or vice versa) and she asked what was wrong with him and Charlotte said, "He's a bad breaker upper." Well, the dating continued despite warning, and then they had the first fight, and Carrie got an earful of his spew. She went running back to her friend saying, "I know what you mean. I should have listened to you." He was back playing the field looking for an unsuspecting woman to be nice to for a while.
