I know that it seems the advice is conflicting, but really it isn't. Both involve letting her be a big girl. One is just more extreme than the other. Since you have yet to master the less extreme option (limited contact), it seems rash to jump into the other.
I know it is frustrating for her to say one thing ("I am not coming home") and to do another (show up frequently unannounced). Tell ya what- don't put her in the position of having to say those words. Phil often provokes those statements from his wife.
Yes, you must do what is right for Phil. I just caution you from doing it too quickly. Slow and steady wins the race, pal.
In reading your posts it is very clear that you are not ready to sail yet. Unless you want to end up like Adam Sandler in 50 First Dates, crying uncontrollably as you leave the shore....
Take a step back, BREATHE. Don't do anything you cannot undo!!!
