Thank you. I purposely did it that way. Man, I thought and thought. I could have gone either way. Just go off on her or do it in a way that was.....I don't know. Just seemed better. You see how the rest of the day went.
Before I left my folks house, I even wrote down the bullet points for myself. I didn't want to get there and let my emotions fly.
-Thank her for cleaning up the house. -Tell her about Thursday. -OM
Total set up. Soft heart, let her make a decision, and then be a strong man. Then move on. I'm sure I helped her more than I should have, but I was in control the whole time.
Feels stupid that I have to think things through first. You know, it not being instinct. Maybe over time.
Felt good. As much as I wanted to stay, and I really did, I left. The FIRST thing that came to mind was James How his wife was always inviting him over, spend the night, so on and on.
As far as D11, I had that convo with her a few months ago. I will always tell her the truth. Like I was giving her the ok to ask me. I was not going to tell her with out her asking first. I really do think she understands.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I respect your decision about your daughter. I never did tell my S10 (he's 11 now), and it was a few months before I told S14. I like what you said about if she ever asks you, you will be honest with her. If you're not already doing so, you may also want to ask her frequently "Is there anything you want to talk about?" or "anything you want to ask me?" Try to get her to stay communicative with you, and ALWAYS tell her that this is not her fault!!!
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Feels stupid that I have to think things through first. You know, it not being instinct. Maybe over time.
I don't think this is stupid at all. I think it is WISDOM. If you read Proverbs, it is full of passages about planning and doing things orderly. This time is a very EMOTIONAL time for you, and the more you can remove yourself from the emotion and the drama, and plan out your moves, the better it will be for you and your family.
You've really grown this past week, my friend. I KNOW it's painful, but God is doing a work in you, that will be good, regardless.
My complete and utter fear of rejection. I am tired of being rejected by her. It is nearly a compulsive fear I have in my everday life.
Thanks for the "short" version! I have to say that one major thing I realized after the bomb is that I have lived the last 10 or so years (maybe longer?) kind of living in fear about stuff, not doing things that scared me. I've made a conscious decision to no longer do that and if something scares me I've gotta do it: so the musical I did, TKD, etc. I think I read somewhere that most people regret things in their lives they haven't done, not things they've done. Anyway, just something I've been working on as a 180, maybe something for you to work on also? Karen
Give her information about Retrouvaille. Put it on HER. It is not YOUR rejection....let HER reject working on the marriage plain as day if that is what she will do. BUT, you need to give her the information and let her know what it could do for your family. Plan ahead. Think about the discussion, making sure it does not get to anger and fighting match. It should be matter of fact: Here is some information on Retrouvaille. It saves marriages in worst places than ours. I think it could help our family. I want to do this. Will you do this for our family? If she says "no", then you say you will leave the information, and say to give it more thought. Let her know that it was important to you to give her the information because you need to know that she is making an informed decision about breaking the family. That you want her to know that there are other choices she can make. Let her know that you know you can't make her do anything, but you can at least know that you gave her the option. And, make sure your kids are elsewhere. Please do this. You will never regret it, h4h.
Puppy, I have made it a point to ask D11 to voice how she feels. I do ask her pretty often how she feels about something. She clams up at first, puts some thought into it and then can tell me things. We have gotten so close through this.
Karen, I don't let it rule my life anymore. But its still there. Definatly something that I need to work on. I do force myself. Its just out of my comfort level. I have been doing so many things just this year alone. A big obstacle was just being able to laugh at myself. I'm a pretty funny guy, but I let life make me over serious. I love being silly. My kids enjoy being with me more because of that conscious change for myself. Even riding Theme Park rides. Never rode them. Now I love them.
wdid, I will still talk to her at some point. Right now, I'm just letting the dust settle. Let her try to come to me and WANT my friendship first. Not that I plan on giving it to her at this point. Still protecting my heart, you know. When I feel like things are calm. Like it felt after our talk yesterday. It felt good. If I never offer it, I would regret it.
I will think it out. Have to make sure to not let it turn into an R talk. Put it just like you said. Offer it. If she rejects it, then just leave the info. Let her mull it over. I might even tell her up front not to say anything right now. Just take the info. Read it over and let her let me know.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Give her information about Retrouvaille. Put it on HER. It is not YOUR rejection....let HER reject working on the marriage plain as day if that is what she will do. BUT, you need to give her the information and let her know what it could do for your family. Plan ahead. Think about the discussion, making sure it does not get to anger and fighting match. It should be matter of fact: Here is some information on Retrouvaille. It saves marriages in worst places than ours. I think it could help our family. I want to do this. Will you do this for our family? If she says "no", then you say you will leave the information, and say to give it more thought. Let her know that it was important to you to give her the information because you need to know that she is making an informed decision about breaking the family. That you want her to know that there are other choices she can make. Let her know that you know you can't make her do anything, but you can at least know that you gave her the option. And, make sure your kids are elsewhere. Please do this. You will never regret it, h4h.
Great, GREAT positioning, WDID. H4H, here is your script!
I work in sales, and they teach us that the prospect isn't rejecting US when they say no, they are rejecting the PRODUCT (or service). I don't want to trivialize something as important as your relationship with your wife, but if she continues to move away from you, she really is rejecting the MARRIAGE, not you personally.
There is a difference. It took me a long time to see it, because I am by nature a rescuer/pleaser/co-dependent/enmeshed person, but there IS a difference.
I understand. I am also in sales, and I have learned that. I have also learned that every no or rejection gets you closer to a yes or a sale.
Ok, so she's rejecting the marriage. I have tried to work the angle of forgetting the marriage. Husband and wife stuff. I told her this. I wanted to work on the relationship. On us. I had told her this after we met with the Pastor last year. Same day I gave her my ring. I told her to put the marriage, sex, husband wife stuff and put it in a box somewhere. In Jesus's box. I gave her my ring and told her to keep it. If we didn't make it, I didn't want it anymore. If I someday got it back, then I would know what that meant. Sat in church for this conversation. Last October. She got sick in November and here we are today.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Love is a decision, commitment is a decision, forgiveness is a decision, .......I could go on. If she rejects the marriage, then she CHOOSES to not love you, commit to you, forgive you, keep the family together. Working on the relationship is something she never did when you put those rings in the box. She has been stalling on making a CHOICE.
How his wife was always inviting him over, spend the night, so on and on.