I don"t think I will be sneaking out anymore or be in the piecing thread too much longer. I should be joining the seperated thread soon..... As you read on Tostada's thread, I am not sure of the long term viability of our relationship. There are signs when things are not going in the right direction. This past year has helped me be more vigilant and open my eyes. There are obviously many things that happen in our respective sitches that we do not go into or our posts would be too long (I have a hunch this one will be). Like I said earlier, I am not perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. When we decided to get back and give this a shot, I was 100% committted. I expected the same from my W. I am not getting that. Therefore last night, I decided that I had enough. Simply put, I told my W that my idea of a relationship is not what I have been living recently. I feel like I am doing all the work and she is just surfing along. She admitted that I was right to feel this way because although she loves me and thinks I am a very nice guy, her heart is not going boom boom. I point blank asked her where all this was going and she could not answer. Right now after a very deep 5 hours of sleep, I feel like leaving. I don't know if this is part of the piecing process. In some ways my piecing sitch resembles Lanzo's. I am just not prepared to invest all this effort if my ROI will we zero. Life is too short....I would rather live alone than live with someone else and feel alone. I am not asking for much...just that I be top two or three in my partner's life....at this moment I feel that I am even behind the cat. They are calling for a lousy weekend weather wise which will only compound my frustration I am afraid. We left off last night with let's see where this goes....this time around, I have much more resolve and will not let this linger. This does not smell good right now.
John, I wasn't quite sure what to think when I read the post above, a lot of things there I can relate to.
Then I read this from your post to Tostada
Originally Posted By: john210
I think I was hoping we would get back to where we were prior to the bomb ... that won't happen. it's a strange feeling actually. Now that I went through this once, it's like something has died. I'll try to remain positive and keep plugging away for D7's sake.
After the bomb and the aftermath the M is never the same. But I then thought of this sporting analoygy.
Imagine a sportsman with a bad knee injury, after surgery the knee is never the same, but with determination and rehabillitation, he can still walk, he can still play.
John we are still in rehabillitation don't give up yet.
I knew something was up when I read your post on Tostada's thread and a few more of yours that showed some of that negativity creeping back again...
All I can say is that separated sucks. Your D will suffer, you will suffer too once you get to the point of having some space again. It is common for couples to hit a low point after a while, 4-6 weeks I read (repeating myself I know). John, you love your wife, you didn't go through this because you had time and efforts to waste. Obviously some self preservation insticts are kicking in becasue you don't feel as cherished and love as you would wish from her. I know you can't get over the OM and that still bothers you. Before you actually decide what to do, wouldn't be worth the effort to go to one of these Retro things, or try MC or even IC yourself. You have a lot of feelings bottled up and you need to let go of some the pain to be able to stand some more for your marriage.
Please, don't give up yet. You know I care about you and I realy, honestly believe this is only a low point. Please, don't hurry into anything. K
Thanks for your support K and Lan. I took the weekend to reflect on what W and I discussed on Friday night. I also read the section in the DR book related to passion meltdown.....which is what my W is going through. I had never read this section because I / we never had this problem. Without getting into specifics, the sexual part of our relationship has always been a BIG (no pun intended) of our relationship. When I think about our LLs, I know my W likes the words, I like the physical part and the way I show my love is with acts of service. When the physical part slows down significantly and with what I have gone through, I can't help but wonder if this is viable long term. Compared to what I have read, the OM thing does not really bother me. If our sex life was back to normal OM would not even cross my mind. Like Lanzo says, I am in rehab and I need to continue to work at it. Maybe I expected results quicker or an effort from the other party that would show me her committment. Little things are important to me....offering a cup of coffee when she gets one for herself .... fixing a plate of food during a party....getting a drink.....nothing major. Last night we were at a little party at one of her new friend's homes and our D7 was baby sat. She had a hell of a time and I don't think she purposely neglected me....but i am a big boy and mingled ok. When we got home she made it perfectly clear that there would be no sex because she needed to get up early. Now what gets me is she could have decided to leave the party a half hour early.....there is the root of the problem....right now I feel like i am very low on the totem pole. I also spent time reading the thread for newcomers to piecing and now realize that what I / we are going through is "normal". In conclusion, my "strategy" for the next couple of weeks is to not pressure W at all regarding sex (this will be very difficult). Also, I will need to get back to GALing and acting as if. Like the book says, if things are not working, make some changes. I will keep you posted on developments.
Sounds like you guys are getting back to real life, no drama. I am not surprised that it causes you to reflect. This is where, under normal circumstances, we would be getting comfortable with each other. What can you do a little different to keep things fresh?
Quote:
In conclusion, my "strategy" for the next couple of weeks is to not pressure W at all regarding sex (this will be very difficult). Also, I will need to get back to GALing and acting as if. Like the book says, if things are not working, make some changes. I will keep you posted on developments.
See, you know what you need to do! Don't make me get Mike or Ian over here with 2x4s!! I would do it myself, but I do not swing as hard as they do!
Now, as Forrest says, DO WORK.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thanks SMW.....by the way I have been following your sitch and am EXTREMELY happy with recent developments! I hope thing continue to go well for you guys.
