ITH, I'm online from work, so if I've missed something above, please forgive me. I skimmed, but don't have time to read all of the posts.
I hate not having internet access at home.
My first big observation here is, your husband is suffering from depression. He may not appear to miss you and may appear to be happy with his choices, but his statements at the counselor's appointment make it apparent. He's depressed. He probably even feels worse than you do. He doesn't know how to show it or how to share it.
Another reason it's got to be all about working on yourself. You can't fix him, only fix you and hope he sees the way it helps you. You may have pushed it too far with the hugs and all that after lunch. Oh well. None of us is perfect. And really, when I was starting, my first couple of meetings with my ex involved teary-eyed pleas and fights. So, I'd say you're doing incredibly well.
You questioned whether voicing your hope that the marriage can be saved was a good idea during the counselor's appointment. I think you did just right. You validated him, and made it clear that door is open for you and you are committed. You're giving him his space while making it clear you want to be married to him. Nothing wrong with that.
Now for the time frame. My situation came to my attention blatantly in May of 2006. We all know that whatever the problems are, they go on for a looooong time before they're in the open. By December of 2006, my ex made a really half-a$$ed suicide attempt in the living room of my apartment. My divorce finally finished in the courtroom on January 3rd of this year. Because of her mental illness, I consider my situation to have passed smoothly, and somewhat quickly. And, that's one that ended up divorced. Look at how long JenJam, or Rob1231 (in the Piecing forum) have been here. And look at the work they still do every day. This is not a quick thing.
I think that any time frame you set for yourself is a mistake. You are looking to recreate a lifelong commitment. So, are a few years worth that investment? What's 5 compared to 50? That's why we all say to look at baby steps. Those are what you'll see for a long, long time. Any expectation that you'll find things back together in a set timeframe is going to be unreasonable.
