Anyone here with a WAS and no children?

[istherehope]

Hi Poet,

I saw something in your other thread about how you wanted to be missed. I am very new to all of this, so by no means an expert but maybe if I tell you about my own plans, it will be of some interest...

We're not to the point where H is threatening D, but I can see that coming if I don't tread very softly. He wanted a 6 month separation, and I came up with something that would give us 3 months, and then we re-evaluate. During this time we will have counseling. I am dying inside, but am showing him outwardly that I now think this is a good idea. H specifically said to me "I need to miss you". He also said "you need to give me lots of space." So, and I know this isn't an option for everyone, I am leaving the country for work for a couple of months. This is one of the benefits of no children I suppose. Another one as I see it is that there is less guilt involved. If your H comes back to you it is for YOU and not for the family--not saying coming back for the family isn't a valid reason, but just suggesting that there is something special about knowing that you are the sole reason for his change of heart.

I have been working, over the last 2 weeks, on not texting, not calling, not sending emails. I haven't always succeeded, but at least none of them have been obviously needy. I think that the going away for 2 months will have a positive impact on me, even if it doesn't make him miss me. In our sitch he has said he won't date anyone else, though I still do worry about an EA as he tends to have lots of female friends...

Do you have the opportunity to go away yourself for awhile and create your own distance? I see this as sort of forced GAL time. Could you maybe go away and not tell him about it--even if it is just for a week?

I'm talking to a DB coach too, so in case you find any similarities in our situations, I will tell you what she has told me:

1st call: Jody told me that I was smothering H and controlling him, and that he didn't like himself with me, because he didn't feel like a man. I also never listened (H's perspective), so I need to actively listen.

After the 1st call, I moved out. I did follow the initial advice and did not call to see how he was etc. He did not soften to me, but at least I felt I had some dignity.

2nd call: 1 day before our 1st counseling session, Jody suggested that I take the session as an opportunity to listen to H's POV, and to make sure that I didn't break down, remained calm, and did not use that as an opportunity to vent my own feelings. I did just that, and when he said he had his guard up around me, I said "I can understand why". I even said that my going away for work was a great opportunity, and that I agreed with him that if things worked out we needed a "new relationship". I screwed up a little by continually emphasizing that my end goal was to save the marriage, but I tried to lighten this by saying there were no deadlines. Jody also suggested that when we had lunch the next day, I be confident, light, and happy. I mostly pulled this off, though made a few mistakes where I mentioned future activities and asked if he had a good time (pressure).

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you in your own situation, but I'm thinking good thoughts for you, and I hope you are doing well today.

ITH