Organizing my Life

[BeingMe]

Me: 50
H: 46
Married: 22 years Together: 23 years
4 children: D28 (married with 2 children), Twins 21 (B/G), and D15
Bomb: May 2004
Piecing since May 2005
Last Thread to Lock

Another thread locked, and these are the questions and issues that pervade my life at this time:

The wisdom of persevering with the M (how long, and when is it time to quit).
My own uniqueness in the universe, and how to find my own voice.
What is my legacy to the next generation?
How do I live a gratitude-filled life, as opposed to one that is guilt-ridden?
Balancing the roles of my life .... mother, wife, grandmother, friend, co-worker, student, spiritual being, relative, neighbour, and so on.

I think most of us feel and think these things, when they hit their fifties (or thereabouts). It's how one handles it, that will make the difference. At this point, I am coasting in my M, and just trying to enjoy the summer as much as possible. I have a trip to the USA coming up the last 2 weeks of August, visiting my eldest daughter and her family (I cannot wait to see my two grand-daughters). I have just finished a 1.5 weeks job at the local university, where I am on their secretarial casual list. I work a week here, a couple of weeks there, and it suits me very well. In September, I am back at university, full-time, hoping to get my BA at last.

So, I have a full life while pondering the larger growth issues in my life, as well as, spiritual and philosophical questions.

Prof. Randy Pausch (who recently passed away) asked in his book, The Last Lecture, "what makes me unique?" And, this has made me ponder my own uniqueness, and what makes me the person I am? I also then wonder what makes me connected to my fellow humans? Certainly is something to ponder during the last waining summer month. Prof. Pausch gave a lecture from which the book is based, and he felt this was a legacy to his children, so they could see, one day, who their dad was, and how he was perceived by those in his work environment (which was a culmination of his childhood dreams). I wonder, too, what my legacy will be, and what my children and grand-children will remember about me, and what they can learn from my life.

I have often felt guilty over things in my M, and other events, and am at last starting to let that all go, and learning to forgive myself. I also feel so grateful for all the miracles. and gifts that I have in my life. Most of them revolve around my children, but there are friends that I am grateful are in my life. I am also so grateful for this bb, for the beautiful place that I live, for all that I am able to experience, even the challenging times, for that's when we learn the most. I am grateful for my H, who is a good provider, and a good dad. Despite our problems, we are still friends.

My roles in life have been evolving of late, and changing. Sometimes, I find it hard to morph in to these different roles, such as that of 'mom of adult children'. It's all a learning experience, and I think that is what life is all about.

It's all a journey, and all we can do is try and learn, and change, and love, and be authentic and truthful (with ourselves, at the very least). So, with this in mind, let me end this post with a quote:

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life. ~ Immanuel Kant (1724 - 1804)