Im done.

[bluerain]

I hate this! I think Im burnt out. Im really trying to keep moving forward, I think that Im going to have to drop my classes this fall, I just dont think Im up to it. This will also give me a chance to get used to having to pay the mortgage and all the bills by myself. I have to figure out whats going on in my life.

I found myself getting really angry with him again. I had told myself I couldnt hate him for trying to make himself happy, even if I didnt agree with how he was going about it. I was still sad and upset, but at least I didnt have carry that anger with me. Now that hes going through whatever it is hes going through, Ive become very angry with him again. I hate that hes making me a divorcee, I hate that hes made me a weak person, I hate that hes causing me pain and loss, that he has set me back so much!

I told him that he was going to regret doing this, I told him that divorce was not the way to go about this, I promised him that it wouldnt be worth it! And now hes apologizing and crying, all I can think is "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" I want him to hurt, I want him to feel just part of what hes put me through, I want to see HIM on the floor sobbing so hard he cant move, I want him to tell ME that he just wants someone to make him feel safe again. I want him to look desperately at me for some kind of help, just a touch on the arm was all I wanted, and I want to turn away and leave him there watching me go. I want to assure him that hes going to be ok and feed him bull$hit lines about how hes strong enough to make it through this and he will move on and be happy. I want him to tell me that hes not ok!

I hate feeling like this.