I like to within reason. My H is a control freak, so I am standing up to him about that stuff. Don't know how many times now I've told him "the Ls will work it out" when he tries to manipulate me into something (and I don't let him anymore).
I don't have your exact situation, but have an H that just took my D8 and S14 out on a date with the OW on Friday night!!!! I plan on saying nothing to my H (figure it's not my job to teach him morality even if he was able to learn it which he probably isn't), but just talk to my L and the kids' C and let them handle it (and do whatever they direct me to do re: the legal/psych. wellbeing of the kids).
I think in most cases I've taken or tried to take the high road, and my H chooses the low road. What will happen? I know that I am already probably feeling better about myself and sleeping better than he is. I think in the long-run I will have a happier, better life. But maybe I'm delusional, so you might not want to hear my advice anyway! Karen
I think you must be the male version of me (say what?). I would have and did react to things pretty much the sameway until some really smart people pointed out that for so many reasons I may want to rethink how I react.
I love what Lissie, Ian & SmartCookie had to say and I'm not sure I can add anything more worthwhile to what they addressed, but something else did jump out at me and it was in regard to FIL. You aren't really sure why FIL would do what he did, but do you think that possibly he reacted to something SHE may have told her Dad? I say this because my inlaws were really up in arms about what ex was doing, until he gave them some lame ass excuses as to why. He told them some awful off the wall things. As they say "blood IS thicker than water" and in the end, they want to believe that there is more of a reason than to have to face that their kids is just plain screwed up.
((Mikey)) I would have let mum figure things out for herself, but more importantly, what's done is done. You can't change what happened, so don't beat yourself up about it. As for the cookbook, use the mediator. They aren't stupid folks. Gypsy is right, maybe you could send pix of D2 in wedding. And cookie is 100% on point with the thousands of D2's other firsts (although I'm sure you'd rather not think about her first kiss!). We're not there Mike, but we're with you all the way. You will never regret taking the high road. Peace. p.s. Aren't you playing cards tonight?
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Detach. Your anger only breeds bitterness. This woman will always be the mother of your child, your precious daughter. Normal people go insane during divorce.. emotionally, thought wise.. it is a bad time. Time heals all wounds unless you keep picking them. Stop peeling the scab off.
Send her blessings whenever you feel yourself getting riled about her actions. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Otherwise you might find yourself with a lifetime of bitterness.
You don't need to send all the photos.. just two or three. It sends a message. If you don't feel right doing it.. don't. Do you think your wife might feel as upset about not seeing your daughter in the wedding as you feel about missing the haircut?
Protect your child. But she'll still need both her parents.
just so you know..for what it's worth I had to call someone to talk to me just so I could drive back here tonight.
just so you know, I don't know which f'in way is up.
So it's take the high road no matter what?
I am human.
My mom and I had talked when the pictures were sent and suspected that this was what was happening. It does not justify me telling her.
You don't live in this.
So it's just please and thank you?? Give it back please??
So it's just let a mediator tell her, "give it back to him"? the same mediator who let her sit for 20 minutes and tell everyone how she felt, let her rewrite history, let her say I was a suck ass dad. Let her bombard my ass for 3.5 hours..
It's share the wedding pictures with her?? Just hey, be a nice guy, she's not been nice to you at all..she has been a f'in [censored] through this whole process but hey, take the high road, send her all the pictures, I'm sure she'll send some to you...
Hey just share with her, she won't steal memories from you, your D's first haircut, your D's first movie in a theater, she won't leave you out and give those memories to her B**CH mother..
You're not here. You're not living this.
That's what my life is now.
You're not here.
Mike,
Unfortunately you are going to miss alot of your D first. It is the way of D. You tried your best to save your M, you tried your best to get along with your STBX. She wants neither of these things. You have too choices here. Continue to allow her to make you miserable and let everything she does effect you or you can ignore all this petty sh** she is doing and move on.
The bad part is she is using your D as a weapon to hurt you. You said she was a good mother how can this be when she uses someone so innocent and cute to be use in such a despicable way. She is lowering her self to a point you do not want to go. Do you really want to be that type of person? I would have to say from all your post that no is the answer.
Listen to Ian, his way is not the easy way but is the righty way ever the easiest.
Take care Mike, I know I do not know what you are putting up with or what a bit** your STBX is being but you have to look out for what is best and that is your one true love, you D, think of her first and everything else will not matter.
Better yet, what have I started doing? I'm focused on taking care of me, what I need, what is right for me. I find that writing only about MY life, not someone else's actions, calms me down, lets me face reality, wakes ME up.
I'm a big ole bunch of candles. One wick is on its way out. No wick, no fire, no matter how huge the candle is.
It may be detaching, protecting, healing, moving on or just choosing not to actively participate in hurting myself.
Send her blessings when you start getting upset. It's a balm to your inner pain. This helps YOU.. You.. YOU!!! Do something positively physical, get the Hulk thing going, vent, bless. Do you want a life based on bitterness? At this point your anger is another expression of your pain.
Try removing one of your coping techniques that hurts you. One of mine is overeating lots of sugary items. Day 4, baby... and I'm feeling better.
Stay the heck away from her. Expect crazy crap to happen. When you feel that tingle negative energy coming on, excuse yourself. Remove yourself from the situation. You already know the outcome.
Give it a try, big guy.
*hugs*
What did I do? Sent the photos you saw to the rest of the family.. my children's family. When I think in terms of the kids, answers are really very simple.
I'm so sad that you're dealing with this. I wish your wife would grow up, but, she probably won't anytime soon. I know you're angry and hurt, but I'd agree with what the others wrote... it's time to take one for the team (your little angel) and play nice with that not-so-nice woman you married. I'm sure you'd do ANYTHING for your baby girl, right? Let taking the high road be one of the things you do just for her sake. She'll thank you and respect you for it one day.
Much love to you, R
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Hello everyone. I'm better today. There was drama this morning but I diffused it pretty quick. It was lots less than yesterday so I see that as a positive. I played cards last night, got put out pretty early. My brother ended up winning the tournament and took home $240. I had a good time but drank a few too many Land sharks but after the drama yesterday I needed to get a little loose.
Moved some more stuff over to the house today and and worked on the last remaining bedroom. Hopefully it will pass BIL's inspection tomorrow and I can start painting. The guy is supposed to come and tap onto the sewer tomorrow but he was also supposed to come this past Friday and Saturday but never showed. I moved a bed over there so the master is coming along nicely. My Interior decorator (sister) and niece worked in there all day so it looks really good. The bathroom is now done with the exception of putting up a towel rack which I will do tomorrow. Bath pictures out in alternate universe later tonight!! I loaded some more stuff in the car tonight and there was a little attempt at drama and I just said, "listen, I'm trying to get out of here as fast as I can, we can either make this easy or make this hard" she then started to get on me again at which point I said, "there's really no need to go into all this any longer, I'm leaving, no use to rehash all this". I played with D for a bit, then took a shower..
And last but not least...the wedding pictures..now I know the majority would like to see me send those pictures to STBX..I'll now explain why I won't be doing this at the moment...and I'll use this analogy. Let's say you get a new dog, you're gonna housebreak the dog, so you take her outside every so often at first, if she pees outside then you reward her with a treat..now after a while the dog gets conditioned to know that if it pees outside it get a treat..it's rewarded..if you let the dog back into the house and and it squats on the rug, are you going to give it a treat?? will you reward it?? no, you'll pick the puppy up, say bad dog and take it outside...My STBX is a lot like that puppy at the moment..she's acting up, she's being mean. she's making the process harder..I'm not rewarding her with pictures right now..In the future if she exhibits good behavior then she may get a bone thrown to her....BUT RIGHT NOW..SHE DOES NOT GET REWARDED.
I know some don't agree, but we will just have to agree to disagree right now..No hard feelings..when she shows me good, nice...then she will get some pictures..
I hope everyone has a good night and week..
Ian, Lissie, Bethie, Racefan, Girl..Distressed..goldy..Karen.SC.appreciate it very much..
To all the rest I'm sorry I could not get to your threads this weekend, trying to deal with my chiitt took it's toll. Hopefully I can catch up..
IMO the way that you diffused this morning and then again this evening was done well and without emotion good on you bro...
The house sounds like it is getting to the point where you can get in there soon, I can't help but think it will ease the sitch...
When it comes down to it only you know what to do. I can see your point on your analogy and say sometimes you just have to go with what you feel right or wrong. I'm sure some would disagree, but we ain't livin where you are at right now...
Glad you got some time with your little angel for in the end that is what is important...
Maintain brother, get some rest, have a few Land Sharks and let as much of it as you can roll off your back and stay true to yourself...
Karen