Hopping over to piecing & short intro

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I plan to read them- The 5 Love Languages seems to come highy recommended by everyone...but unfortunately- he won't read ANYTHING! .. He will watch video tapes or listen to audio tapes maybe I can look into that. goto ebay or half.com for the tape, I got all the recommended readings on tape.

[smokry]

goto ebay or half.com for the tape, I got all the recommended readings on tape.

Thanks! Good idea...I will do that.

Well when H got paid Friday he CASHED his check again and didn't deposit it in the bank. Of course by the time he got home and had to buy a "few" things there was already 100.00 gone from his check. Then he gave me the rest of the cash minus his 20.00 he is supposed to be keeping for the week. Of course by last night (Sunday) he had already spent the 20.00 and was asking for the bank card so he could buy cigarettes today! GRRRRR....I gave him 5.00 and told him I would buy the cigarettes myself today so he didnt' need the card. He was such a jerk...he was a JERK all night long and just kept trying to pick a fight. No DBing on his part at all! You know- there is help for drug addicts and alcoholics...is there any help groups for spend-aholics????

I'm a little bummed out over our budgdet...It is done and he did sit with me for the initial working it up part...but it's only going to work if he does what he agreed to do and I'm very skeptical about that! Also, if all our bills were caught up and we were not behind- there would not be a problem(duh)...but now I'm trying to figure out the BEST way to catch up on the past due stuff and still keep everything else current as well. (btw the past due stuff is our house and land payments...3 months past due on each.)Any great financial wizards out there who have some words of wisdom?

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smokey

Very simple, Use direct deposit or on payday, you take him to work and pick him up. You go straight to the bank and deposit the check. You give him his $20.00, and you head home, and pay bills.

I would up the allowance and let him buy cigs and beer out of that, that way he can decide toys or cigs.

For now, put away credit/debit card, use checks only, makes a paper trail.

Have bonds come out automatic, start with $25.00 a pay.

Have a lot more info on these and will follow up after I hear back from you.

[smokry]

Use direct deposit or on payday, you take him to work and pick him up. You go straight to the bank and deposit the check.

Tried that! He refuses to set up direct deposit and since it's his paycheck he has to be the one at work to sign the papers. I tried a couple of months ago and he flat out refused. He ended up saying that his company wasn't set up to do that and wouldn't do that for him. BTW- his paycheck is written on the same bank as where we have our checking account and yet he cashes it at a check cashing place! Can't take him to work and get the check either. He works 45 minutes away and drives his company truck to and from work. Checks aren't always ready at the same time every Friday either...

I would up the allowance and let him buy cigs and beer out of that, that way he can decide toys or cigs.

That's something to think about...I'm afraid though that he would spend it all and then INSIST that he get more money for beer and cigarettes!

put away credit/debit card, use checks only, makes a paper trail.

We don't buy anything on credit (thank God!). I'm the only one who uses checks (he can't write them anywhere) and I keep the debit card. I only use it to pay bills online and such. He ONLY works with cash...and it just flows through his hands!

Have bonds come out automatic, start with $25.00 a pay.

Not sure what you mean by bonds? Are you talking about setting up something like a CD or savings bond??

Have a lot more info on these and will follow up after I hear back from you.

Thanks for your suggestions...I would love to hear some more ideas. I am at a loss here...We are so far behind I don't know how we are gonna catch up. I got a letter in the mail yesterday that we now have a tax lien filed on our property for unpaid property taxes of 1900.00. Now we have to come up with that or risk losing the land (assuming we don't lose it from always making late payments!) In the past week I have applied at 6 private schools and broadened my search for a teaching position to several other school districts outside of our area. Except for a last minute resignation there are NO openings that I am certified to teach. Now what? Maybe McDonalds is hiring.... (no offense to anyone that works there!)Thing is when I worked full time before it didn't solve the problem...he just spent more money and we still weren't paying our bills on time! I don't know what to do...I am SO tired of being the only one dealing with this. I can't sleep at night (haven't in a LONG time), I have headaches all the time...all stress related but I can't get rid of the stress to make it all go away! H refuses to deal with bill collectors, refuses to make late payment arrangements, etc. He just sticks his head in the sand and pretends that it doesn't exist. I have to do EVERYTHING! I have to take all the heat when people call...I have to balance the checkbook and know we don't have enough money to pay our bills. When I bring it up to him he just gets mad and yells- what the f*** do you want me to do about it? I only make so much money...go get a job! What the hell is wrong with him!???I seriously think I am on the verge of losing my mind! The little men in white coats are going to come and take me away then I won't have to worry about bills anymore!

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Tried that! He refuses to set up direct deposit and since it's his paycheck he has to be the one at work to sign the papers. I tried a couple of months ago and he flat out refused. Nag him about it, threaten to call his boss, companies don't want these kind of problems and they will deal with it, by the way what is the worse he could do, leave.
He ended up saying that his company wasn't set up to do that and wouldn't do that for him.
Is that true, call the payroll department and check

BTW- his paycheck is written on the same bank as where we have our checking account and yet he cashes it at a check cashing place!
He sounds like he hits the bar like the the millworkers I use to work with, they would cash their check and hit the bar with the rest of the guys and come home $100 shy.
Can't take him to work and get the check either. He works 45 minutes away and drives his company truck to and from work. Checks aren't always ready at the same time every Friday either...
Nothing says you can't drive there at quiting time and collect the check, maybe it will embarras sp him into cooperating

That's something to think about...I'm afraid though that he would spend it all and then INSIST that he get more money for beer and cigarettes! By the way is he an alcoholic?, make sure all the money is gone when he asks, whats left stash away where he can't find it. Show him via the online account that all the money is gone. You have to be clever.

Not sure what you mean by bonds? Are you talking about setting up something like a CD or savings bond?? savings bonds, E series, (can not be cashed for 6 months, which means out of sight out of mind)just start at the $25 level, if not thru his work, my bank allows me to order bonds online from the bank web page, also you can go to the US gov web site and order bonds online. Tell H they are a rain day.

We don't buy anything on credit (thank God!). I'm the only one who uses checks (he can't write them anywhere) and I keep the debit card. I only use it to pay bills online and such. He ONLY works with cash...and it just flows through his hands! all the more to make sure he has his allowance and thats it, maybe hold part back and dole out slowly

I would love to hear some more ideas. put up a corkboard, and use business size cards cut from manila folder, and on each put the bill and how much is owed, and up date each month, don't put where you can see it all the time, but some place where you pass by often, sometime guys need visual aids.

check you percentages,
fixed debt-CC 20%
Housing and utils 35%
car and insur 10%
groceries 10%
I don't rem all, bu these are the main ones

I got a letter in the mail yesterday that we now have a tax lien filed on our property for unpaid property taxes of 1900.00. Now we have to come up with that or risk losing the land (assuming we don't lose it from always making late payments!)
check up on the laws, sometimes even if it is sold you can get it back by paying whats owed and some intrest. Is this land you live on, maybe just sell the land.

In the past week I have applied at 6 private schools and broadened my search for a teaching position to several other school districts outside of our area. Except for a last minute resignation there are NO openings that I am certified to teach.
make sure you are sign up for subsitute teaching, when they hire the subs get first shot, sign up a lot of schools, so you have plenty of work

H refuses to deal with bill collectors, refuses to make late payment arrangements, etc... I have to do EVERYTHING! I have to take all the heat when people call...
first get answering machine, and let it handle the call, accept he is not going to do it, and say you will handle if he accept allowance
balance the checkbook ... make sure you use quicken and money, and if he says where go. print it out for him, my guess he will be overwhelm and give up
don't have enough money to pay our bills. develope a plan, use the cork bill board to organize what to pay, and then make sure no new are made.

When I bring it up to him he just gets mad and yells- what the f*** do you want me to do about it? I only make so much money...go get a job! What the hell is wrong with him!???
take him out of the loop, get the money, give allowance and make the rest disappear, no use agruing about it.

I seriously think I am on the verge of losing my mind! The little men in white coats are going to come and take me away then I won't have to worry about bills anymore!
accept he can't handle the bills, and when you have a plan it will be easier to handle. Continue to vent here, it helps a lot, read lostlove thread, you are not alone.

Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
are talking about your H

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Nag him about it, threaten to call his boss, companies don't want these kind of problems and they will deal with it, by the way what is the worse he could do, leave.
He ended up saying that his company wasn't set up to do that and wouldn't do that for him.
Is that true, call the payroll department and check

Part of the problem he said he had with me was that I was always nagging and bitching. Now- granted, I feel I was right in nagging and bitching because of what he was (or wasn't)doing financially but that pushed him away even more. So- I've been trying to figure out a way to do it without nagging! And- I'm sure his company would set up direct deposit...he just refuses to sign the paperwork.

Nothing says you can't drive there at quiting time and collect the check, maybe it will embarras sp him into cooperating

Wish that would work...but he gets his check at various times of the day- between 12 and 5ish...because he is a superviser in the field he can come and go pretty much as he pleases so as soon as he gets the check he is headed to the check cashing place. He really goes to great lengths to make sure he is the one who has his hands on the check.

! By the way is he an alcoholic?, make sure all the money is gone when he asks, whats left stash away where he can't find it. Show him via the online account that all the money is gone. You have to be clever.

Someone else has asked if he is an alcoholic...I don't know what all you have read of my sitch- but part of our getting back together was him absolutely not going to any more bars. He was frequenting them 4 -5 nights a week. I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic. I think he uses alcohol to self medicate from his problems but I'm not sure if he has crossed the fine line to alcoholism. He drinks every weekend and probably 2 or 3 days during the week. He does have a tendency to get drunk on weekends or special occasions and then makes a total ass out of himself. I've been thinking about opening a seperate checking account and transferring all the money into it. Then I could pay bills from that account and show him that the other account has no money in it. But- then I would have to keep the other account a secret and I'm not sure that is a good thing. I could get my 18D to be a signer so at least if something happened to me she could get the money out but I know H would be absolutey livid if he knew he wasn't a signer on the account so I would have to keep it secret. I'm not sure what lengths I'm willing to go to in this situation. I don't feel like I should HAVE to do all this stuff. I think he should do something about his problem and I'm afraid if he doesn't address it very soon that I will have to walk away.

make sure you are sign up for subsitute teaching, when they hire the subs get first shot, sign up a lot of schools, so you have plenty of work

Yep- I already renewed my application for this year. I subbed all last year- full time from Jan to May and made more money than I did teaching at the private school the year before. He still bitched about it not being enough! I feel a little more desperate now to get a full time position because if this M goes south then I will need to be able to support myself.

take him out of the loop, get the money, give allowance and make the rest disappear, no use agruing about it.

Honestly- you are absolutely right. I've just got to be able to get my hands on the money BEFORE he spends it so I can take him out of the loop. I'm hoping that he is really willing to try and will start depositing the whole check in the bank on a regular basis. Problem is I have no respect for him because he can't control this problem and seems hell bent on blaming the problem on me ( I need a better job). One of the things I told him that I needed to feel loved was to be taken care of financially and he just can't do that or won't. I have about zero tolerance for people who can't get their priorities in order and won't address problems and work on them. I feel he is weak and that makes it hard for me to feel loving and contected to him.

Now that he is out of money and was on Sunday night...he has continued to be an ass every night this week. He is pushing buttons left and right and I am having a hard time not responding the same. As a matter of fact last night we had an OLD "lets act the way we used to" fight about something really stupid. I have about zero tolerance for his bs right now. I've been following LL's thread and I gotta say I can relate to about 90% of what she is saying.

Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't get on full time this year. It would make it very easy for me to walk away...

Thanks for your ideas- I'm going to try posting the bills on a board and see how that goes...I'm also going to check the percentages and make sure we are on track that way.

Guess I'll go now and try to get out of my negative mood and look for something positive about H.

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Sandra

I have given some thought to your sith.

1. Go away for a few days, and do me things.

2. I believe H is an alcoholic , he needs to go to AA, or you go to alnon meeting to find out what you can do. One test see if he can go one week without alcohol.

Do you smoke and drink also?

[smokry]

1. Go away for a few days, and do me things

Funny you should mention that! My 18D asked me the other day if we could have a "girls" weekend and go spend a long weekend at the beach. It would be me, her, 15D and a couple of their friends. I thought it was a great idea and mentioned it to H. Of course he threw a fit and said we should ALL be able to go and what was he and 11D and 9S supposed to do? Then he brought up that I would be down there doing "god knows what with only god knows who!"...and then made the usual implications about OM. Grrr...

2. I believe H is an alcoholic , he needs to go to AA, or you go to alnon meeting to find out what you can do. One test see if he can go one week without alcohol.

We talked about it the other day and I told him he should stop drinking for a while...He said he didn't want to but could if he wanted to. Says he enjoys it...He has gone a week before without drinking, though those weeks are few and far between. Perhaps there are "levels" of alcoholism...I don't know much about it. I say that because I KNOW my brother is an alcoholic. He starts drinking as soon as he gets up in the morning to get going and drinks all day. On the weekends he drinks until he gets drunk and passes out. He has lost two jobs because he drinks on the job and has gotten 2 DUI's and lost his drivers license. My H is nothing like that but still I think he drinks too much too!

Do you smoke and drink also?

I absolutely DETEST smoke!! I can't stand to be around smokers unless they are outside. H is not allowed and never has been allowed to smoke in the house. 18D had asthma really bad when she was younger which prompted the outside only smoking rule...but I wouldn't have tolerated it in the house even without that. Up until two weeks ago- i was a weekend drinker... beverages on Friday night and Saturdays...but nothing during the week. I decided it was hindering my workout schedule so I quit two weeks ago. I workout 6 days a week and was finding I was skipping Saturdays and Sundays because I didn't feel good! Anyway- my workout buddy and I initially decided we would give it up for a month but then I had a revelation that if alcohol was stopping me from doing things that are important to me then it had no place in my life so I told her I was done for good! I told H that too and of course he doesn't believe me...Oh well, I guess he will figure it out.

We had an interesting conversation last night...actually it started out with the argument about me taking a long weekend without him but then we moved on to our finances again and I told him I was having a hard time figuring out how we were going to catch up on our past due house/land payments and I needed his help figuring it out. He got really mad (as ususal) and said he didn't know what else to tell me. Then he said (in a really loud voice) that he was NOT taking a second job. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about...then it hit me- he thought by me asking for his help in how to catch up I was insinuating that I wanted him to take a second job so we would have more money. So I said "NO dumb ass!" (yes I called him that!) I'm not telling you to take a second job I'm asking you to help me crunch some numbers because I can't figure it out!

He said- "oh" (duh) well I can probably do that- I'm pretty good at crunching numbers. (He does bids at work every day from residential homes to hotels and apt buildings).So he sat down and went through our budget and came up with the week that we would make the extra payments to catch up. Mind you my numbers were similar he just broke it down a little differently than I did. He even did it for next month too!

Now what does that say to me? That he is NOT a moron when it comes to money but that he CHOOSES not to be responsible. He also figured with only his base income (didn't include any bonuses or my income) and SAW that we should have money left over at the end of the month! I'm praying that he had some sort of revelation...Then he said- this isn't hard- maybe I should just take it all over and start paying the bills myself. (and I'm thinking "Whoa seabiscuit- let's not get ahead of ourselves here!")

So- I hang on for another day and wait and see what will happen this friday when he gets his check.

BTW- I AM going to the beach with my daughters and H will just have to deal with it. D18 has three horses that she is selling next weekend so she is going to use some of that money for the long weekend so it doesn't have to come out of our budget.

Thank you VERY MUCH for your input and suggestions...it's nice to know that I am not the only one who can see a problem here and that I'm really not crazy...(or am I? )

Have a great day!

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Then he brought up that I would be down there doing "god knows what with only god knows who!"...and then made the usual implications about OM. Grrr...
this is where you kill him with KINDNESS, you turn around and look into his eyes and say you are my only love. And be quiet and let him talk, my guess he will deflate right away.

Perhaps there are "levels" of alcoholism...I don't know much about it.
Then you should visit allon for families of acoholics, find out for sure.

went through our budget and came up with the week that we would make the extra payments to catch up. .. He even did it for next month too!
Now what does that say to me? That he is NOT a moron when it comes to money but that he CHOOSES not to be responsible.
I believe he associates budget with getting yell at.
He also figured with only his base income (didn't include any bonuses or my income) and SAW that we should have money left over at the end of the month!
Now, bring up savings bonds at his work.
I'm praying that he had some sort of revelation...Then he said- this isn't hard- maybe I should just take it all over and start paying the bills myself.
Now, how can you make this a pleasant experience for him.
(and I'm thinking "Whoa seabiscuit- let's not get ahead of ourselves here!")
Did you check percentages??? How is the bill board coming??

So- I hang on for another day and wait and see what will happen this friday when he gets his check.
On payday, send him off with good feeling, get up with him, good breakfast, and nice hug out the door. Do not mention the pay check at all. The good morning will be on his mind all day.

BTW- I AM going to the beach with my daughters ...so it doesn't have to come out of our budget. The solution is you already have the money set aside.
As the bonds come in, place them in the envelopes. Use this priority, and these amounts.
1. emergency($1000)
2. car repair($1000)
3, House/appliance($1000)
3. IRA($1000)Place in IRA after taxes paid.
4. Christmas($1000)
5 Vacation ($2000)
6 Pay strecher($500)

At first buy "I" bonds they can be cashed right away. Then after 1 year go to E bonds, they can not be cashed for 6 months. Each time you recieve bonds you place them in envelopes in this priority. After a way you will never have to touch. 1-3 because you have saved for the other things that rob a savings account.

---

Thank you VERY MUCH for your input and suggestions...it's nice to know that I am not the only one who can see a problem here and that I'm really not crazy...(or am I?
You are welcome, I came across a quote

"You can not spend you way out of debt, you can only manage you way out"

Good Luck and enjoy your weekend

[shinybear]

Hi Sandra, just replied to your post on my thread.

Few thoughts here...yes there are levels of problem drinking. In fact, some professionals believe that problem drinking is not the same as "alcoholism". Your Brother depicts the typical "alcoholic" scenario...out of control.

Your H may be more of a "problem drinker"...which is MUCH better to be sure! Problem drinkers may overindulge, use booze as a crutch to ease bad feelings, but they rarely drink enough to "pass out" or drink first thing in the morning etc. They also tend to increase their consumption during stressful times.

Now, problem drinking CAN lead to absolute dependence on alcohol just to get by, but it doesn't for EVERYONE.

Not sure where your H fits, but it SEEMS to be in the "problem drinker" category. What do you think??

Hey, good job on correcting H's ASSumption that helping with the budget meant you wanted him to work another job! Talk about mind-reading!

Shiny