OK, quick update. Still not snooping. Trying REAL hard to DB/LTR real good.
Friday night was my son's last gymnastics meet. He took second in the all around competition, NICE. It was both great and horrible to see W. I was busy exchanging text messages with my friend Aaron. W asked if I'd like it if she was snooping through my text messages. I replied that I probably wouldn't, but, she is more than welcome to look through them. I felt confident saying that even though there are plenty of text messages that would probably piss her off, because I was virtually certain that she would not take me up on that offer. W always looks amazing and that is a serious problem. I always want to be affectionate and physical. When we were leaving the gym, I motioned for and received a quick hug which was nice. The kids were all going to spend the night with friends and I went out. I didn't say a word to W about what the kids were doing or where I was going.
I went out to the same downtown bar I went to when my friend from Australia was in town and had a fun evening.
Saturday was the memorial service for my friend killed by lightning. It was very moving. Marc was a heck of a guy and I wish that I'd had the chance to know him better. After the memorial I had a chance to have dinner with the couple that runs the e-mail list through which I knew Marc. So, that was an enjoyable time also.
I got up this morning and started getting things ready for W's birthday celebration. It was mostly for the kids. I did my best to apply no pressure. I made her favorite cake and then made burgers and strawberry banana smoothies and steamed green beans and watermelon and cantaloupe. I also had a shot of whiskey just as she arrived to help me maintain my peace during her visit. Things went well. I was calm, the kids had issues and W wanted to know what was the cause of their problems. I haven't pointed out to her that her being gone is likely a good part of the problem. In either case, she did some laundry and got some of her things as she stored her things here being between places.
I was busy ironing shirts as she was finishing up getting ready to leave. W had been packing the car for 30 minutes while I ironed. Then, she asked if I would help her carry some things to the car. She could have easily taken 2 trips. She thanked me sincerely for the lunch etc. and then stepped in and gave me a hug. I told her that it was good to see her and she replied that it was good to be seen. I broke off the hug first. I think this one is very important for me. I've always been the one doing the smothering. SO, this is the 180 for me. I wanted a kiss, but, was content with the hug as it was obvious that she wanted to give me a hug. I think that she also uses these moments to decide if my heart still belongs to her or if I've moved on. I'm not saying any more. In fact, I'm not saying much to her any more. If she asks, I'll tell a little about what's going on in my life, but, I offer nothing and I'm learning to ask nothing.
We have our MC on Thursday. I haven't the foggiest idea what to say in our session. I've gotten some good insight recently, but, I'm not sure that raising it helps. It sometimes feels like talking about her issues is counter-productive. If she brings up divorcing me, I suppose I will reply that it isn't what I want, but, I can't control what she does and I'm going to keep working on me. The one thing I have as a goal for our meeting is a commitment from her to come again next month. If I can get her to keep coming to counseling and not file in the next month, I will be happy.
I'm starting to feel comfortable with being a single-dad. The intimate personal side of things is quite the b*tch, but, the getting comfortable with caring for the kids is coming together. A couple of people have pointed out to me that W is asking for me to be as interested in the kids and caring for them as a stereotypical mother would be, all while she has next to abandoned them. It messes with my mind a bit.
Another amazing day. Don't be strangers. We all want a little love in our threads
