Hopping over to piecing & short intro

[smokry]

WOW this is HUGE. Yeah, so, you snooped. He KNEW you wanted to do this budget, the first stub was just there...I'd have done the same thing. No apologies.

AND he brought in a stub that would look "accurate" unless I took the time to check it out...SO he was actually going to sit down with me lying about how much money we make and work up a budget based on false amounts!

This is not just money, it is security, your kids, your goals, and LIES...I am getting a little enraged at the thought that he's been laying "you need to earn more" on you, while doing this.

Thank you- I'm glad someone else actually "gets" this and I'm not insane!! I had some well meaning family member tell me a while back that he should be the head of the household and I should just turn all the finances over to him and let what ever would happen happen. She said maybe he needs to lose his home to really realize that he has a problem. Yeah right!! Problem with that is he takes all of us down with him and I just can't do that! Living in a cardboard box on the side of the road isn't very appealing to me! Nor is moving back in with mommy!!

How long do you think this has been going on?

The stubs went back to Feb 2003 so at least that long and probably longer. He failed to mention a little raise that he received and the fact that he is getting a montly bonus based on the amount the company earns!

How did he piss away the decent earnings you were making with your former business? Visible purchases, big toys and the like?

Oh yes...things like rv campers, waverunners, new furniture for the whole house, a boat, brand new truck and brand new conversion van- then there is the small stuff like running up 3 gas credit cards and numerous visa cards and buying cocaine (yes-another LONG story)I tried to reel him in - told him we were going DOWN but he wouldn't listen.

Is he out of the house enough to be having a drug problem you wouldn't detect? Is that a possibility given what you know of him?

After giving it some more thought...I really don't think that is it. I always knew before when he was doing that and I would know now...

You say you guys filed for bancruptsy...how long ago?

Is it possible he has some old debt he's paying off in secret?

We filed about 5 yrs ago...and no- I know he wouldn't be paying off any old debt because bills have never been a priority for him!

I imagine this post will come to late, but your best bet in my books, would be to calmly approach your H, or wait until you're relaxing, and then just tell him you found his stubs and would he like to tell you about the advances?

OOps! Too late for the calm thing...We had it out last night when he got home. I started off being calm...but when he admitted it and said he wasn't sorry about it because he was putting in the amount that we agreed upon- I lost it. By the way- I also found out that yesterday- Thurs, he got a 400.00 paycheck advance and today- Friday is payday! Now why the hell he needed to do that I don't know! He said we needed the money to fix his truck that he only told me was going to be 175.00

Through our "discussion" I came to the realization that he has been screwing off an average of $800.00 a month! Now here is what his excuse is..."well I dont' spend it all on ME- I give some to the kids for gas money, we buy beer (dude- we dont' drink THAT much beer), we buy bbq for the weekends, ect... For the life of me- I just can't see how all of that would add up to 800.00 a month!

I told him how could he get up on his soapbox and preach about honesty and how me lying about the A was so wrong when the whole time he was lying about something that is a MAJOR player in our M problems! Of course bringing up the A was NOT a good idea cause he jumped off of the subject which was finances and his lies and turned in all back on me and the A. I walked out of the room and told him I was done talking about it...that if this crap was how it was going to be then I was done. I refuse to be financially destitute and have no retirement, etc because he has a money probelm. To me this is as BIG as the A is to him!

He started backing up a little then and said we could work it out if I would keep treating him the way I have since we have watched Michelle's marriage tapes. Then he screws up again and says that he is willing to put more money in the bank if everyone else is willing to make sacrifices! I said like what and he said we need to sell the kids horses cause he is tired of buying feed! I guess we should just all give up everything we do- which isn't much so he can have his precious money in his pocket...God knows we want him to be able to buy his beer and cigarettes and have his clothes dry cleaned every damn week!

Then he said he would be willing to put more in the bank if he knew he could get out a 20.00 here and there when ever he needed it. Does he NOT realize (OK no he doesn't) that is what got him to the point where he has no credit cards, can't write checks anywhere, etc...because he would pop by the ATM sometimes twice a day and w/draw 20.00. Well it's JUST 20.00 he would say...but when you do it every damn day of the week...it adds up!

I asked him if he was willing to sacrifice some of his wants NOW in order to benefit in the future...We lost everything in the bankruptcy...all the "toys" were sold to pay bills...we now both drive 10 yr old cars that are paid for..we have NOTHING of what we had. He want's to get another camper and boat and has been saying- if YOU will get a job at public school we can afford that...and I told him last night that if he wasn't screwing off 800.00 a month we could have already bought other ones!!!

Then he said that I still needed a better job because the 800.00 a month wouldn't make a difference in us getting ahead. I said to him it doens't matter how much you make it matters how it gets spent...I mean if we can have a business rolling in lots of money and we STILL can't pay our bills it obviously (to me anyway)has to do with the MANAGEMENT of the money!

As it ended up...He agreed WE have a financial problem..of course not all DUE to him...and that WE needed to do something about it. And that he was willing to put more money in the bank if he could still have spending money.

He started his usual crap about trying to tell me he loves me but like I've told him before- that doesn't fix the problem- SHOW ME by helping me fix the problem. He started to follow me to the other room and I told him I was very angry and to PLEASE leave me alone. Normally he keeps on and we end up fighing worse...but this time he left me alone.(maybe a little DBing on his part?)even though he did make a rude comment on the way out the door.

I am going to call him later and tell him to plan on doing the budget tonight...and that we need to resolve this NOW. I'll let you know what he says...Hopefully (if this M is important to him)he will try and work this out...otherwise I am just about done!